Do You Follow Your Instincts?

So the other night, I'm reading through my journal - from not that long ago - and I had written that I follow my instincts.  I got caught on that sentence for a while.  It occurred to me that I haven't been.  As a matter of fact, I tend to fight against my instincts.  Why is that?  Well, luckily I managed to distract myself before I had to think too deeply about it.  However, these things don't seem to keep their distance for too long.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, trying to build up and reaffirm that the goal is completely attainable.  I believe the exact words that were spoken were, "I just want to prove to everyone that this will work."  My response was, "Of course it will!"  But why didn't my friend know that?  It wasn't until later last night when I was replaying the conversation in my head that it hit me.  (And unfortunately, I'm not going to tell you anything you don't already know here.)  It's because we've been knocked down one too many times.  We've heard over and over, "That's not gonna work."  "You can't do that."  Or worse...we haven't been told...we've been asked,  "What about all of these obstacles?"  "How are you going to manage...?"  And the ever evil...."What if you fail?  What if...?  What if...?  What if...?" 

Sometimes those questions are worse than the "you can't" statements.  Most of us have an "I'll prove you wrong!" alter ego that pops up whenever we're challenged.  It's the questions though, that hit us the hardest - because they're left hanging there.  And whether we answer them on the spot or in the quiet darkness as we drift off to sleep at night, the multiple possibilities all manage to rear their ugly heads.  I say ugly because hardly ever do we just say, "I won't fail."  "I'll overcome the obstacles."  "I'll manage just fine."  And even if we do, those ugly possibilities still manage to seep in somewhere just present enough to scare us into not trying.

Now maybe all of those what ifs wouldn't make such an impact if we had never been knocked down.  But we all, have indeed, been knocked down a time or two.  And for some reason, those are the times we tend to focus on.  I'm just as guilty as the next guy.  However, here's what I've learned - every one of my so called failures have taught me a valuable lesson.  I have grown from each and every one.  So how can they be failures?  All they really do is help us to know better next time.

So I stopped thinking about my friend and started thinking about my own resistance against my instincts.  Personally, my demons don't tell me that I'm going to fail.  They know that I believe what I just wrote - failures are lessons, therefore they have very little negative power over me.  They tell me that my instincts don't make any sense.  I'm crazy to think this is going to work. 

Ok - so maybe I have some emotional work to do there, but here's what I know...

When I fight my instincts, I'm tense and twitchy, I feel that knot in the pit of my stomach.  I'm worried about what other people will think or say, so I try to do "what is right." Do what they would do.  When I follow my instincts, my shoulders relax.  I don't crave M&Ms and soda.  There's a comfort I feel in my skin - like my favorite pair of jeans.  And I smile.  A lot.  I'm excited and I feel it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Not to sound too cheesy, but a quote from the movie Titanic comes to mind: "It doesn't make any sense.  That's why I trust it."

I continually work on "being the person I want to be."  And I definitely believe that you have to work at it if you want to make positive changes in your life.  But I also believe that there are certain things about me that I should never forget; never let anyone make me doubt or change.  One of those things is that I don't always need to make sense.  "I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, moment to moment, day to day.  That's me."  (Pretty Woman - clearly it's a movie quote type of night.)  I don't always research, I don't always plan or schedule and for good or for bad - I don't always think.  And I have a pretty incredible life.  And THE most incredible things in it are because I trusted my instincts.  So maybe, just maybe I should trust them now.  Maybe it's time for a little experiment. 

It's time to stop fighting and start trusting myself.  It's time to be willing to risk big for the sake of pure joy.  It's time to invite people along on my journey and join them on theirs.  It's time to not just work on transforming the things I don't like about myself , but to also embrace the things that I do like about myself.  It's time to stop "figuring out" what I'm going to do with my life and start "feeling into" my divine assignment.

And if I get knocked down?

I have faith that someone will help me up. 
And then it'll be time to go again. 
As my eleven year old would say, "Yay me!"

Believing the Best in People

Believe the best in people.  It seems like a logical thing to do.  Depending on who you're talking to, of course.  I want to say that I've always done this and the truth is that I've done it long enough now, that I honestly don't remember not doing it.  However, I know there was a person inside me before my quest for happiness began and I'm pretty sure she wasn't always so focused on the good.

So in my day to day life, I have ideas for blog posts all the time.  Since I can't stop and write in those moments, I make myself a note...like "believing the best in people."  I like that I do this because not only does it bring me back to an idea that I might have otherwise forgotten, but it also ties together recurring themes in my life.  Things that come at me at different times, in different forums, from different sources.  It's also nice since I'm sort of the word police and some word choices are better than others.  For example: my latest term for "believing the best in people" is "focus on intent."

I say this to my older daughter a lot when my younger daughter is driving her crazy.  "Do you really think your sister made a mess in your room just to annoy you?  Or do you think that maybe she was playing with a bunch of toys, then got distracted by something else and didn't clean up?"  Sure there are times when her answer is, "Just to annoy me!"  But after a bit of a discussion (and maybe some questioning of the little sister) she comes around.

I say this to my friends when they're frustrated with their kids - "Do you think their intent is to make you angry by not doing their chores, or that they're just focused on what they want to do and chores are on the bottom of their list?"  When they're frustrated with their husbands or boyfriends - "Do you think his intent was was to scare you by not calling you all day, hoping you'd toggle back and forth between anger and worry, or do you think he got busy at work?"  When they're frustrated with their bosses and co-workers - "Do you think their intent was to make you feel incompetent or could it have been a new motivational technique they're trying?" And when they're frustrated with their friends - "Do you think her intent was really to convey that she thinks your issues are stupid or maybe she was so distracted with her surroundings that she didn't even fully hear you?"

I like asking these kinds of questions, because nine times out of ten the intent is not to hurt or upset or annoy.  Of course, when you're hurt, hearing these questions don't really make you feel better.  Most of the time, when you're sharing about hurt feelings, you really just want someone else to validate your feelings.  And trust me - I'm all for that!  However, if you just stop there, it's way too easy to slip into "I'm right, they're wrong" and that's a slippery slope.  Plus if you're the one who has hurt someone else without intending to, wouldn't you like them to cut you some slack?

Now back to the exact wording - I have been "focusing on intent" more, but I realize that's not completely ideal.  First of all, you can't truly know someone's intent.  You're not in their head.  Yes, you can ask them directly, but if you're too hurt (or they're embarrassed or have been hurt by you) you may or may not believe their answer.  So I'm going back to my original intent - believe the best in people!  You know your friends, your family, your spouse, your co-workers - are their actions or words that hurt you in line with the people you know them to be?  I know what you're going to say and yes, sometimes this can come back to bite me, because sometimes we do have some not-so-nice people in our lives.  Sometimes you can't think of anything thoughtful coming from a specific someone.  But that's good to know too - because then you can start to deal with acceptance and how to deal with the unpleasant people that you can't change.  (But that's a whole different post!)

But most of us have some pretty awesome people in our lives.  And all of those people have bad days.  All of us make poor choices sometimes.  All of us have said or done something that we meant one way and someone took in a different way.  So the problem with intent is that sometimes they did mean to say or do that - they just thought it would have a different effect.  They didn't intend to hurt you, but they did intend it.  My advice (as always) is to talk to them about it.  I know that no one likes confrontation - especially when you've been hurt.  We immediately think that it will cause a fight, or hurt their feelings, or what if you're wrong and they didn't mean it?

Well it may cause a fight.  My opinion is that it's worth it.  I realize that not everyone agrees with me.  A lot (a LOT) of people I know would rather saw off their own arm before confronting someone, but letting that resentment fester is a bad, bad thing - trust me!!!  And I think it's even worse if they didn't mean to hurt you, because if they think they were just being funny or it was no big deal, they might do it again - and again - and again.  It's important to let people know what your boundaries are.  You might hurt their feelings.  Just check in and tell them what your intent is.  And if you're wrong and they didn't mean it?  Well now you both know the intent and the effect of those actions. 

Here's what I know - I've said or done things that have hurt people and I have rarely, rarely meant to hurt anyone.  I tend to think that I'm a pretty open person and that my personality and intentions are no secret to anyone.  Therefore, if I've done something stupid, those close to me (and even some of those who aren't) should know that.  And if I'm honest, I know that those same people wouldn't hurt me.  So I choose to believe the best in people.  It not only keeps our relationships strong.  It not only blesses them by having us believe in their goodness, it blesses us by being positive and focusing on happiness. 

Focus on happiness - see the good in people - choose joy!!!

Age Defiant, Confident Women

Last night I saw Cyndi Lauper and Cher in concert.  Seeing Cher in concert is one of the things on my bucket list, because you know she puts on a good show and there are just certain people you should see in concert in your lifetime.  Being a child of the 80's, Cyndi Lauper was the icing on the cake.  I was amazingly excited to be there - even though my seats were in the second to last row in the upper deck.  I knew I was experiencing something really cool and I wanted to drink in every minute of it.

They didn't disappoint!  Cyndi's flaming red hair and little girl voice giving life lessons between songs; Cher's tell it like it is attitude, amazing costumes and elaborate theatrics were everything I had expected and then some.  There were however, two things that struck a chord with me that I hadn't expected. 

The first was their age.  At 60 and 68 (yes, Cher is 68 - not that her plastic surgeon knows that) these two have still got it!  Ok, yes - if you watched the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video so many times that you have the dance moves memorized, Cyndi's moves aren't quite as exaggerated as they used to be.  But as she rolled around on stage, I was mesmerized.  I watched her, thinking, she just moves to the music as she sees fit.  How cool is that?  It just looks like if she wants to dance, she dances.  I took that attitude to heart when she started to sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.  Since I was soooo far away, most of the people in my section were bobbing their heads while they stayed in their seats.  I thought about the fact that if I stand up to dance, I'll be blocking the view of the people behind me.  I'll feel weird being the only one dancing.  Then I thought, I want to dance!  How do you NOT dance to this song???  So I did.  I was indeed the only one dancing in the immediate area and at first it did feel weird - then it didn't.  It was great!

I lost track of how many costume changes Cher had, but they were all amazing, most of them sparkled, all were sexy and she rocked every one of them! (including her Believe costume from the 90's)  She not only danced with the other dancers on stage, she did it in a headdress!  And when I realized that through her second to last costume, you could see the sparkling pasties she had covering her nipples, I thought man, she's got guts!  I wanna show off my boobs when I'm 68.  Ok, I really don't.  But I didn't show off my boobs when I was younger either.  What struck me is that both of these women are doing what they've always done.  They haven't let age slow them down or change the way they do things.  That's what I was impressed with.

If I'm honest with you, I don't really think that 60 or even 68 is "old."  What I do believe is that a lot of people use those numbers (or sometimes even smaller numbers) as excuses.  That's what I want to avoid.  If at some point, I physically can't do something, then I can't.  I understand that sometimes happens.  I also understand that physical setbacks aren't always related to age.  If they were, then every old person would have the same setbacks.  Is it lifestyle that makes a difference?  Attitude?  Good genes?  Probably all of the above to some degree.  My point is this: I love that Cher came out on that stage, told us that she was going to change costumes, sing and be fabulous - and then she did!

The second thing that struck me was their confidence.  Obviously, if you're a rock star, you have a level of confidence that not everyone possesses.  But it was more than that.  It wasn't just the confidence in their performances or the production.  They were comfortable in their skins.  You couldn't put two more different people on the stage.  Yet they respected each other and stood strong within themselves.  This was the most amazing thing to witness.  I'm sure it's because I've been on this journey of mine for the past few years and in the last year or so, I've been very focused on my identity.  It was like I had been fumbling around in the dark and all of a sudden, I could see the light.  Now, I'm not saying that twenty years from now, I'm gonna whip my boobs out or dye my hair bright red, but I stared at them and thought - this is the goal!  You travel these journeys and you dig deep to figure out the truth of who you are so that you don't hide.  You don't question yourself.  You don't stay sitting down when you want to dance. 

Hopefully it's not going to take me until I'm 68 to get there.  As a matter of fact, just today I had a moment in a confrontation with someone where I could actually feel the confidence coming off of me.  So the pieces of myself that I like are already well on their way.  It's those pieces that I'm still working on, still figuring out, that are going to take some time for the confidence to swell.

Lucky for me that I tend to see things that not everyone sees.  You know, like seeing age defiance and confidence, when others only see bright red hair and glittery pasties.

The Backyardigans

I miss the Backyardigans.  There, I said it.  I do.  I miss the Backyardigans.  For those of you who haven't had small children recently, you might be asking, "The Back-yard-a-who-igans?"  And that is a very valid question.  The Backyardigans is a TV show about five friends who imagine their back yards into amazing adventures.  There are always fun songs they sing and usually some sort of good moral message.  Both of my daughters LOVED the Backyardigans and so did I.

Something happened the other day that reminded me of one of the episodes and I shared my trip down memory lane with the girls.  My ten year old responded that it reminded her of a different episode.  When I asked which one, she immediately started describing it in great detail.  Not an unusual occurrence except that I don't remember that episode.  What???  Can it be that since they don't watch the DVDs constantly over and over again, that there's an episode that I've missed? 

Now in the grand scheme of life, that's probably an ok thing.  And to be perfectly honest with you, I'll probably get over it in twenty minutes or so.  However - it was a reminder of how fleeting their childhood is.  "The days are long, but the years are short."  There used to be days - possibly entire weeks - that The Backyardigans were playing on my TV all. day. long.  (yes - I'm that parent, who allowed the TV to be on all day)  Right at this moment, though, I don't remember the last time it was on.  Months?  Years? 

At only ten and eight years old, they're already into different things.  The Backyardigans don't make the cut.  We're even out of the iCarly and Wizards of Waverly Place phase.  (I really liked those shows too.)  I guess that's why they say you should pay attention.  Enjoy them while they're young.  My grandmother used to say, "Don't wish your life away."  I may say that every now and then.  Yet, even as the words are coming out of my mouth, I don't always listen.  I find myself looking forward to not having to help with homework.  I'm jealous of my friends with teenagers who can drive themselves all over town.  There are even days when I think, "if I hear 'Mommy!!!' one more time..."

Hmmm....blogging about missing helping with homework....

Yeah, right now, I still can't picture that one.  However, I'm thinking on our annual road trip this year, I just might have to unearth those Backyardigans CDs.  I bet they'll love that!!!

(well - at least I will)

Extraordinary??? Yeah, I Think So.

So I'm scrolling through Facebook this morning and one of my favorite pages (In Power Sisterhood) has this posted:

"Good people are not those who lack flaws, the brave are not those who feel no fear, and the generous are not those who never feel selfish.  Extraordinary people are not extraordinary because they are invulnerable to unconscious biases.  They are extraordinary because they choose to do something about it." --- Shankar Vedantam

Above the quote IPS had this to say:

You are extraordinary and making incredible choices.  Share the choices with our sisterhood that help you overcome your flaws and fears!

I comment on this page often, so I started to comment, but quickly realized that my "comment" could possibly be pages long.  Aaaand here we are!  So where to begin?  Hmmm...fears....I've written about fear before and I am determined in my life to not be ruled by it.  Recently, I have seen many posts or quotes about the same concept in this quote, "...the brave are not those who feel no fear..." and I love it.  For a long time I thought the key to fear was to "not be afraid."  That's just not true - and it's impossible!  Of course there are things in life that we're going to be afraid of.  But this quote nails it.  It's not the absence of fear that makes someone brave, it's the willingness to face that fear, to go forward anyway, to overcome it. 

Personally, this whole concept has made fear easier for me to deal with.  When I thought I "shouldn't be afraid," I felt like a failure the instant I felt fearful.  Because with that mentality, I was.  I was already afraid - oops - fail!  However, feelings are feelings, it's what you do with those feelings that make a difference.  Now that I see it differently, when I get fearful I can pause (mentally freak out if necessary) and then decide if I'm going to face it or run from it.  I'd be lying if I said I never ran.  The important part is that sometimes I don't.  And whether it's a big fear or a tiny one, no matter what the outcome is, facing it equals a win.  To be honest, even sometimes when I run, it's still a win - or at least a tie!  Awareness is half the battle - and if you can recognize that you're running because you're afraid (and if you know why you're afraid - even better) then it's only a matter of time before you're brave enough to not run.

The other two concepts seem new to me.  Although they shouldn't.  I mean, after reading them I totally agree.  Obviously, everyone has flaws.  Even good people.  And one of those flaws can be selfishness.  Even for someone who is generous.  It makes sense.  I had just never thought about it before.  Unless of course, I'm judging them.  How many times have you been completely offended by someone's selfishness?  I know that for me, it's been countless times.  The "good people having flaws" isn't such a tough one for me.  We're all sinners and I easily recognize that we all make mistakes.  (Like being judgmental - oops)  But it's interesting to me that there are certain ones that strike a chord with me.  It's even more interesting that only certain ones with certain people strike a chord with me.  For example - selfishness in generous people.  Selfishness in and of itself doesn't offend me.  We've all been selfish at one point or another, and we've all been generous from time to time.  It's when someone I know who is consistently generous (it doesn't matter if it's with time or money or their love -whatever) and they slip up.  I've always been totally thrown by that because it's so out of character for them.  But why is that such a shocker?  Everyone does falter from time to time.  And if they're so generous that it shocks me when they're selfish, shouldn't that say even more about them?  That it's so rare?

It's also interesting to me that this specific example is in this quote - selfishness.  Only because it did trigger in me the times when I was judgmental about selfishness.  One of the ways I've been overcoming some of my flaws is to be mindful of others and cut them some slack. For the past 2-3 years, I've been working very hard (and trust me, sometimes this is very hard!!!) to accept people for who they are, recognizing where they are in their journey and accepting them even if they choose to stand completely still.  I'm proud to say that in many areas and with many people, I have indeed been successful.  But selfishness - that's one I still get judgmental about.  Hmmm....they say what you don't like about others are the things you don't like about yourself.  I guess that means I know what I need to work on next.

Well, those are my thoughts on the things mentioned specifically in that quote.  To answer the question - what have I done to overcome my flaws and fears - the biggest thing I've done is being more mindful.  Definitely of others and also of myself.  I spent years just reacting.  If I liked something, you knew.  If I didn't like something, you knew that too.  To be clear, I don't think sharing your feelings or opinions is a bad thing by a long stretch!  What I do think is bad is to react to something or someone without thinking through the consequences.  For me personally, although I do care whether or not I hurt someone's feelings with a response, it's more about how I want to show up.  Do I want to be a negative or a positive person?  If I'm compelled to tell someone I disagree with them, do I have to do it in the nastiest way?  So being mindful is a big one for me.

Another big one is the choice to be positive.  There are two sides to every story - sometimes even more than two.  And a lot of the time, the end result of a situation wasn't the intent.  If I've been hurt, I try to ask myself if I think that's what that person meant to do?  Someone hurting me on purpose vs someone doing it intentionally are two very different things in my world.  Yes, it's difficult to try to see the difference when you're smack dab in the middle of it, but it gets easier with practice.

I've also been doing a lot of introspective work that has helped me immensely!!!  (All of those aha moments are way too much information for right now!)  I show up differently in my life because of this work.  I see things differently.  I forgive differently.

So as I read "You are extraordinary and making incredible choices" I had a moment of a shy, "Aww, thanks."  Then I had to pause for a moment.  Extraordinary?  Really?  I mean, yeah, it's sometimes hard work, but it's so powerful that it's totally worth it!  Why wouldn't I do it?  Oh, wait.  That's right.  Not everyone does.  That's sort of the point isn't it?  Some people are too scared to look at themselves that closely.  Some people are too selfish to let go of their emotional clutter.  Some people are flawed.  Again - all ok!  But that's what makes those who make the effort to do something about it extraordinary!

For those of you who know me, you know I think I'm all that and a bag of chips.  However, even I wouldn't - haven't ever used the word extraordinary.  It took me a moment as I reread that sentence.  Extraordinary?  Me?  And then I looked back over my journey over the past few years, let the tears spill out and I saw how far I've come.  And for the first time in my life, I thought, yeah, I think so!

Grateful for Opportunities

I read an article this morning about a woman who was going through tremendous emotional growth.  Unfortunately, it came at a very busy time in her work life.  She was struggling with the fact that this growth took up time that should have been spent working on a project.  Although I'm not working and I currently have no deadlines, I definitely sympathize with her.  Recently, I have been working on some deep set issues of my own and I can easily say it is time consuming!  I decide that I'm going to "sit in the emotion" of whatever the issue is (fully thinking this will only take a little while) and two to three hours later, I emerge from my room exhausted.  Usually there has been crying, frustration and sometimes anger.  Almost always, I will have come across at least one a-ha moment and I do feel like I've grown.  However, like the woman I mentioned, I do start to think about all of the things that I "could have" accomplished in that time.

I didn't realize it until I read that article, but here's the thing that I'm most disturbed about.  Why is our emotional growth not important?  I would bet that quite a few people I know would think I was nuts if they knew how much time I've spent "sitting in emotion" in the past few months.  Here's the thing - it's so amazing!  I am constantly shocked at the number of times I react to something without even knowing why.  Most of the time, the reaction has nothing to do with the actual situation - weird - or is it?  It is amazingly empowering to look back at a reaction that I had only thirty minutes ago and figure out why my reaction was so strong.  (or so wrong)  Awareness is the first step.  If you can figure out why you do the things you do, you can change them.  Or not!  That's the beauty - it's up to you!

Wow!  To be able to choose who you want to be!  I have spent years and years saying, "That's just who I am."  It wasn't an untrue statement.  But when "who you are" is someone you don't like - change it!  That's so easy to say.  But it is crazy difficult to do.  The secret is that the most difficult part of that change is if you don't know why you're doing it in the first place, so figuring that out is key.  Only after the knowledge comes can the change begin.  Voila - growth!  And no, my house still isn't vacuumed.  It's all about the choices we make.

As for the timing - the woman being frustrated that her growth didn't come at a great time - when is there ever a good time?  When does anyone say, "I'd like to take hours, days or months to do something that is going to take away from everything else in my life?"  The answer is never!  No one ever says that.  Especially something that is difficult.  Especially something that you can't casually say to a co-worker who you're sure hasn't had a day of emotional growth in their life.  Especially something that some could mistake for selfishness or laziness.  My opinion?  The timing is always perfect!  It doesn't matter what you're going through or how busy you are.  Deep emotional issues are indeed difficult and if you're not ready to deal with them, they won't rear their little heads.  They come when you're ready.  They come when you need them.

Trust me - I don't always like going through all of the tough stuff any more than the next person.  What I do like is being a grown up.  I like not reacting to something like I did when I was 19.  I like taking pause and deciding the best way to handle something.  Yes, it's hard, but I can honestly tell you that whenever I cave to what's easy, I always wish I could turn back time and handle it differently.  That makes it worth it!

Situations and people and feelings are put in front of us as opportunities.  I couldn't begin to name all of the possibilities, but when it comes to the opportunity for growth....no matter how difficult it is....I am indeed grateful!

A Frog Outside My Window?

I've started this post three different times now - with three different topics.  I'm in one of those "I'm all over the place" modes.  I've been doing a lot of introspection, lately so the deep thoughts in my head are many.  It's Sunday night, so my to-do list for this week is in the forefront and it feels like emails and phone calls and chores are in a vicious game of rock/paper/scissors.  Of course how I really want to spend my time this week is by doing nothing unless some sort of fun!  Unfortunately, fun normally doesn't show up on my doorstep in the middle of the week unannounced, so I'm guessing a huge amount of laundry is in my future.

There's always the possibility that I'll figure out what to do with my life by the time I wake up tomorrow, so then I could do that instead.  Of course, that's why I'm here.  I have a friend whose dream has inspired me!  I want to help, I want to be a part of it, I want that excitement.  Oh, wait - I have a dream, right?  Ummm...yeah?  Oh, I remember, I wanted to try my hand at writing.  The only problem is that deep introspection, emails, phone calls and chores get in the way.  Not to mention the whole mommy thing - driving kids back and forth, practicing the piano, homework and making them feel cherished all at the same time.  It's no wonder that writing got pushed to the bottom of the list.

I decided not tonight.  I sat down and started to write.  Hmmm...that first one didn't feel quite right.  The second one - well, I have something very profound to say on that topic, but the words just weren't coming out right.  Then I heard what sounds like a frog outside of my window and I thought, "That's what I should write about."  How cool would it be to have a frog outside of my window?  I know that those who know me well are thinking that I'm not the type of girl who likes frogs - wrong!!!  I LOVE frogs.  As a matter of fact, I do much better with slimy than I do with crawly.  (I guess I have my Jr. High biology teacher to thank for that.)  So I'd be thrilled to have a little froggie out front.

The more I think about it, there isn't really a lot to say about the possibility of having a frog outside of my window.  The good news is that little croak got me going.  I have officially written a post tonight.  So here we go again, faithful friends.  Let's hope I'll be back tomorrow night.  And if it's getting too late and you're not seeing something from me - let's hope that little frogger dude croaks me into another writing mood.  Maybe next time, you'll get some profound thoughts.

I Do Hard

Ok, ok - get your mind out of the gutter!  I'm guessing that's where it is because that's where mine went the first time that was said to me - even in the very serious conversation I was having.  I was at an AMAZING two day seminar and in the middle of the discussion about being taken care of vs. taking care of myself.  I was working through doing the yucky things that I always pawned off on my ex as well as providing for myself.  I was struggling with "I can't take care of myself."  Of course I can!!!  Then I was struggling with "I can take care of myself."  It just wasn't strong enough.  (Plus "can" is one of those futuristic words.  It sounds really positive because it's the opposite of the negative, but it's still a word that could end up meaning "I can, but I'm not.")  In my frustration, I got distracted by another conversation in which my friend was apprehensive of going back to school because "It's too hard."  This was the missing key in my dilemma.  It's not really that I can't do the yucky things, it's not that I can't provide for myself, it's just that to do those things - especially considering how long I haven't done those things - is really hard!!!  So I asked the woman leading the seminar how she would word it and she said, "How about 'I do hard?'"

It was very empowering.  Sure!  That makes sense.  I can do hard.  (oops - there's that word "can" again)  I was all pumped up and ready to take on the world.  And if I may pat myself on the back for a minute, I have accomplished quite a bit since that seminar.  However.... you knew that was coming..... it's so easy to get worn down.  It's so easy to feel like there's so much on your plate that something's got to give.  It's so easy to choose.... easy!

I was at the hospital yesterday with my family while my sister was having a surgery.  A few of us were talking about some of the tough things each of us have been going through lately and the talk was dwindling down and the end comment was, "It's just all so hard!"  And that's when the question came to me - why is that???  Why is it that it seems like everything is so crazy hard?  Excuse me, not everything, all of the bad things are easy.  But let's take something vague - like "doing the right thing."  How often is that easy?  Yes, it may be the easy "choice" because we all know right from wrong.  But how often is following through on that choice easy?  I don't know about you, but lately for me, it's been really difficult.  And if I'm honest, I've taken the "easy" way.  Of course, because I am basically a good person, eventually I realize that I can't keep taking the "easy" way and then "hard" is even harder!!!

Unfortunately, I have no good answers as to why the right things are always hard.  Or how to make them easier.  I'm just throwing it out there.  Once, just once, I'd love to be able to say, "This is the right thing to do.  And it was so easy!!!"  However, until that happens - even when I don't want to - I do hard!

Who Do I Want To Be?

That's my new favorite question!  There are a couple of close seconds: How do I want to show up for this situation? and How do I want to react?  These questions are new for me.  For most of my life, I would just blurt out whatever popped into my pretty little head.  It's only in the past few years that I've recognized that I don't have to share everything!  (weird, right?)  I guess I have my ex to thank for that.  It was through therapy because of our split that I had that realization.  And for me - it's a really hard thing to do!  But I've been slowly plugging along.

It's only recently, though that I've started asking myself these three questions.  They came to me because of a conversation - a tiff, if you will - where I completely overreacted.  As I was fuming and frustrated, I realized that the issue wasn't really a big deal.  It just triggered a jolt back to a situation I didn't want to repeat.  I could see that my reaction (my overreaction) was totally out of line.  So I asked myself, "Is this really how I want to react?"  And the big, fat answer was NO!!! 

Ok, so it only took one paragraph to explain that.  In my head and the heat of the moment, it took A LOT longer to get there.  But I'm so thankful for this exchange because it led me to my questions.  I tell my children all the time, "YOU get to decide if you're going to enjoy this experience or not."  Why haven't I said that to myself?  So now I do.  How do I want to show up for this situation?  Who do I want to be?

I want to be a woman of my word, honest, sincere.  I want to be loving and kind and mindful of others.  I want to be selfless, willing to sacrifice myself for those I care about and selfish, taking time to rejuvenate so I can be the best me I can.  I want to be a communicator and a listener.  I want to accept people for who they are without trying to change them. And just because I've been listening to waaaayyyy too much Katy Perry - I want to love unconditionally!

That's a long list!  And deep stuff and I didn't even get everything....

It's not easy to be all of those things.  Some of those I am, some are easy changes and some are HUGE transformations!  Along the way, I know I will falter.  I know there will be times I only think of myself.  There will be times I will commit to something with all good intentions and for whatever reason not follow through.  As much as I try not to, I will indeed try to change negative people into positive ones.  The point is I went through way to much of my life just being who I am without questioning if I even like her.  At times I even made changes - cutting out things I did like for someone else.  Since being reminded of some of those things, I'm bringing them back! 

Of course I believe that to some degree, you are who you are and you should know yourself and accept your limitations.  But there are pieces (many, many pieces) that are in our control.  Many people go through life not changing ever.  If they like who they are and don't want to change, I definitely put them in the "accept them for who they are" pile and that's totally ok.  For me - there are a lot of things that I like about myself.  (My grandma didn't praise on me all those years for nothin'!)  But I'm glad to be "self-aware" enough to realize that there are also things that I don't like about myself.  And although it's going to be hard to make those transformations, I want to be someone who doesn't run away just because it's hard.

My happiness is the only happiness I have control over!  It's worth any and all the "hard" parts.  Sometimes we have to go through some unhappiness to be happy.  But isn't that better than not being true to who you are?  So now I ask myself on a regular basis - who do I want to be?  Is this how I want to show up for this situation?  And in the event that I ever blow up at you for something that you think doesn't warrant that kind of blow up - feel free to ask me, "Is that how you wanted to react?"

Jumbled Focus

Holy Cow!  Well, so much for blogging every day.  (sigh)  No need to grumble about it, let's just move on, shall we?

Today was the last day of school.  Woo Hoo!!!   Oh, right - the last day of school for my daughters.  I spent most of the day with the school community because our school has a tradition of everyone going to the park to have lunch.  Essentially, I was at the park from 10:15 - 12:30.  I told any mom who would listen, "You know you've volunteered too much when you're excited to not step foot into the school for three months."  If you know me, you're cracking up right now, because I was the mom who always said she wasn't going to be the crazy volunteer mom at the school every day.  Well, I am.  (Again - a huge thanks to two friends who saw something in me I hadn't seen in myself!)

In all honesty, I did overdo it a bit.  Definitely a lot all at the end of the year - hence not wanting to go back into the school.  To top it off, my kids' dad was out of the country for over two weeks.  Crazy volunteer lady + procrastination + single mom = one exhausted mama!  I spent the majority of the last month thinking, "I've just got to make it through the 23rd."  At the beginning of the week, I could hardly see straight.  (two hours of sleep will do that to you)  So I thought that when all was said and done today, it was going to be like pulling teeth to get me to think about anything school or activity related for a while.  Instead the craziest thing happened.

Once I did, indeed make it through the 23rd, everything got clearer.  It's like there were cobwebs in my head and once I got done with "the end of the year" I was able to look ahead.  All of a sudden instead of the thoughts in my brain being very loud white noise, they were very specific.

Meet with the principal to schedule the Fall Fling.  Make a list for the new auction chair volunteer to ask the previous auction chair volunteer.  Get the Fit Club DVDs finalized and delivered.  Nail down new co-leaders for the older girl scout troop.  Does there need to be a third younger girl scout troop?  Email PTA treasurer about Fall Fling funds.  Who would be interested in being in charge of the Fit Club t-shirts for next year?  The gal who saved me this year?  Will she want to do it again?  How soon can I ask her?  Wait!  Fall Fling first!!!  Connect with the chair positions who need to do tasks over the summer.  New games?  Better payment options?  Decorations?  Who are the girls' teachers going to be next year?  How can I possibly wish for a certain 4th grade teacher when I've heard ALL of them are fab?  Summer camps!  Swim team?  Schedule Texas road trip.  Spring cleaning!!!  (I did mention procrastination, didn't I?)

As you can see, this is why it's "jumbled" focus.  The cobwebs are cleared out, so I can finally think again, but I'm still all over the place.  Here's the good news: jumbled focus is better than no focus at all.  Tomorrow is officially "summer planning day," so let the lists begin!  I know the above paragraph looks like a whole lotta crazy - but two years ago, at least half of those thoughts wouldn't have even entered my head.  That's called progress, my friends.  I am renewed.  I am excited.  I am sure that I'll get this school thing all figured out by the time my children graduate!  And in the meantime, I'm breathing a sigh of relief that with the clarity comes excitement.  I thought I was going to dread starting all over again, but I'm not.

This last year was SO FUN!!!  As crazy as it sometimes was, it was fun!  And I can't wait to do it all over again.  So here's to a great summer, a million lists and jumbled focus - life is good!!!

Focus on the Moment

I have always looked to what's ahead.  I'm sure that's why when I was little my grandmother used to preach, "Don't wish your life away!"  It's easy to do though, isn't it?  When you're little, you want to grow into a teenager to be cool.  When you're  a teenager, you want to be an adult so that you can call your own shots.  Even as an adult, I always looked forward.  When I get married...  When I have a baby...  When I have another baby...  When they go to school...  When summer comes...  Of course I could go on and on.

It was quite a while ago that I realized that you can miss a lot by thinking about the future.  Of course there has to be some amount of planning and what not, but if you're always looking ahead - can you ever enjoy now?  The first year I was married was an awesome year.  We took some sort of vacation or long weekend almost every month.  We spent a lot of time with our friends and on our hobbies.  We were still in the ga-ga phase.  Life was great!

Thank goodness I took lots of pictures to remind me of that, because that was also the first year we tried to get pregnant.  It didn't happen quickly.  And although trying was fun, I spent most of that year thinking about what it was going to be like when I got pregnant and when we had another little life in our house.  I definitely enjoyed that year, but I think I would've enjoyed it more if I had been paying attention to what was going on at the moment instead of always looking to the future.

I recently read Gretchen Rubin's new book "Happier at Home" and one of her resolutions was to "experience the experience."  Obviously, this wasn't a new concept to me, but it was a great reminder.  It's so easy to think about future goals and aspirations, future vacations, or even to focus on tasks that need to get done.  Even when your adorable daughter is in the middle of telling a great story, the mind wanders.  But every moment that passes is gone forever - we can't get it back.  I don't want to think, "I wish I would've paid attention!"  Instead I want to bask in the glory of what is right in front of me, right now!

Renewed Motivation and....Jake?

Don't get excited, friends - Jake is not a new man in my life.  It's an old story that I'll get to later, but I thought I should prep you before you get the wrong idea.  Haha!

Part One:  Renewed Motivation

I am a stay at home mom and that's all I want to be.  (I say that like it's not much - all the other stay at home moms are cracking up right now!)  My husband and I separated almost four years ago and almost since the day he left I was told - either by a friend or myself - that I was probably going to have to get a job.  He's been amazing in the sense that even through this situation, he's allowed me to continue to be a stay at home mom.  Through out the past few years I've gone back and forth about re-entering the work force - mostly begrudgingly.  Much more "I'm going to have to get a job" vs. "I want to get a job."  However, last May a friend of mine told me that she did voice overs.  For the first time in a very long time, something interested me. 

I took a class - very basic, I went to her house to see her set up, I got some more information from her.  And since then I've had a couple of friends offer me opportunities within their companies.  None I was really interested in, but opportunities none-the-less.  Another friend suggested that I might do well in event planning after seeing how much I enjoyed working on a major fundraiser.  Then last week, I walked in on a conversation between two of my friends from my kids' school.  The topic: stay at home moms re-entering the work force, either because they want to or feel they have to.  What would they do?  Go back into the field they were in before kids or something completely different?  Would they use the skills they learned in college or motherhood?  Or both?  Or neither?  Where to begin?

Before I knew it, we were scheduling a meeting where we could brainstorm with and for each other.  We'll invite other moms.  We can use our talents and connections to get each other started.  They both thought the voice over idea was a great one for me.  They liked the event planning too.  What about getting back into manicuring?  Na - done with that phase of my life.  So what do I want to do?  I started thinking about the skills that I would like to use.  I love the life coach I see when I'm in Texas - I'd love to help people that way.  I love how The Happiness Project has changed my life, I'd like to incorporate that somehow.  By the time I saw Megan again on Monday, I had what felt like 400 ideas floating around in my head.  I immediately challenged her to figure out a career that would utilize them all. 

Ask and you shall receive!

Later that day she handed me a book on how to figure out what you want to do.  I didn't start reading it until tonight.  To be clear, I haven't figured out a career to utilize my 400 ideas.  I did, however make a massive list and after circling around for awhile, I found myself back at writing.  (Ok - there are some other things combined with that, but we're going to focus on writing for right now.)  Writing.  Hmmm.  Didn't I say I wanted to do that before?  As a matter of fact, didn't another friend of mine encourage me to get going by helping me set up a blog?  That was fun.  I enjoyed that.  Now, when was the last time I blogged again?  Down to my computer I came.  In 2011 I had 33 posts.  Not nearly as many as I would have liked, but hey, I was just getting started.  In 2012 I had....drum roll please....six.  SIX!  What???  What happened to 2012?  I decided immediately that this won't do, so I must blog and I must do it now.

Back to the original question: what to write about?  I know!  At some point I started a "random things to write about when I can't figure out what to write about" list.  There were a few things on the list I had already written about, so I figured I'll just write about whatever is next.  Ok - weird topic - but here we go...

Part Two:  Jake

Jake is my high school sweetheart's dad.  I think of him every now and then because I have a soft spot for him.  He was one of those dads who always seemed harsh.  Booming loud when he was angry, quiet most of the rest of the time.  I don't remember many conversations with him - I was a teenager after all - but there were some.  Most of the time, I thought I wasn't even on his radar.  Until one Christmas....I was at their house on Christmas morning opening presents from my boyfriend and his mom (super sweet lady - still miss her) and there was a good sized box with my name on it.  No clue who it was from.  I opened it up to find a beautiful blown glass unicorn.  (At the time I was very into blown glass and unicorns.)  I was blown away - it was gorgeous!  I tried to thank my boyfriend, but he said it wasn't from him.  His mom said it wasn't from her - she hadn't seen it before.  His brother and dad didn't say anything.  Quite the mystery!  It wasn't until a few days later that my boyfriend got it out of him that it was, indeed from his dad.  This quiet gesture totally changed the way I saw him.  Here I thought I was completely insignificant to him and it turns out I was mistaken.

Fast forward several years.  My high school sweetheart and I had long since broken up.  I was still friends with his cousin and we were having lunch one day when she said, "You sure made an impression on Jake."  Whoa - what?  Where did that come from?  She went on to tell me that they had recently spent some time with him and at a breakfast he retold the story of when I had gone on vacation with them and how I eat my fried eggs.

I guess it's time to admit that I have some rather odd eating habits.  What was interesting was that she was able to tell me - in detail - how I eat my eggs.  As she re-told Jake's story, I remembered that breakfast.  I was half way through my breakfast when I realized that he was done eating, yet he sat at the table staring at me.  He was completely enthralled with my bizarre routine.  That night at dinner, he told everyone all about it.  Everyone had a good laugh (including me) and we went on with the night.  Well now, years later, he's still telling that story.  I'm sure I'm not in his thoughts every day, nor is he in mine.  But it's nice to know, when someone has touched your life, that you've touched theirs as well.

I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to see Jake again, to tell him that I think about him on occasion or that his seemingly small acts made an impact, but like I said - I have a soft spot in my heart - just for him.

I don't ususally go off on political rants, but...

...but I've had it!  It's only September 6th and I already want to crawl into a hole until after the election.  It's bad enough that the TV commercials have started - ok, I have Tivo, I can fast forward.  It's bad enough that the phone calls have started - no big, I have caller ID and I know how to hang up my phone.  But now the evil has invaded my most happy places - email and Facebook!  These are the places I go to veg out, to see cute pictures and funny quotes, to figure out what in my kids' schedule that I've missed putting on my calendar and what the newest Living Social deal is.  They are not places where I want to be slapped in the face with the fact that people I like and respect, people that I adore and who know how to make me laugh, have decided to be mean and nasty.  All of a sudden, they've gone from people who post pictures of puppies and inspirational quotes to people who - at best - are posting half truths and going for the backhanded insult.  At their worst, they're posting blatant lies and being downright disrespectful.

Here's the deal (warning: run-on sentence about to begin) - if you would like to have a conversation about why you're voting for your guy and why I'm voting for my guy, about what issues are important to you vs. what issues are important to me, about why you think my guy's plan won't work and why you think your guy's plan will, about what my guy is doing right and what your guy is doing right, about where we could meet in the middle, about where your party is falling short and where mine is, about where our parties could support each other and discuss why it's so sad that they don't - then I'm all game.  I don't pretend to know everything about every issue, but I know enough to be able to have a conversation with someone without insulting you to your face.  I know enough to know that every blurb we hear about what an idiot either guy is, it's not the whole story.  Both sides cut and paste better than a preschool teacher.  Both sides say only the worst about the other and only the best about themselves.  I don't care which candidate "supports this message" - it's never the whole story.  This isn't new people, so please stop quoting these blurbs like they're Gospel.

I realize that I can't control what people post on FB and that my little rant here won't stop anyone from sending me political emails - but please, at least put something political in the subject line, so I know not to read it.  I'm already tired of being mad at my friends about politics.  However, as I typed that, I realize that I'm not mad at them about politics, or how they feel about politics.  I'm mad that they feel they should shove it down my throat.  I'm not posting about what an idiot your guy is, stop posting about mine!  I know, I know!  I'm not actually going to stop anyone from posting anything.  And I could hide them or unfriend them, but the truth is I just don't want to.  I want to go back to a time where wasting time on what I consider entertainment was just that - entertainment, fluff.  But noooo - not now.  Now I'm slapped in the face every time I turn on my computer by someone implying that I'm the idiot for having the opinion that I have.

So now the rant stops and the begging begins.  Please, please, please friends - please stop.  For the first time since I became addicted to FB, I'm considering not logging in.  Now I know that some of you might think that's a good solution, but for me, it's sad.  I love my computer - my email and FB.  I don't want to give it up, not even for two months.  Now I'm not saying that "liking" a candidate or party is bad, but please don't be so belligerent.  Please don't be insulting and crude.  Please be respectful and please, please, please - please, I beg you - please be the wonderful good-hearted people I hope you are!

I'm trying to sparkle - and I support this message!

(whew!  I'm glad that rant's over)

Summertime

Hiking, softball, gymnastics, swim lessons, birthday parties, voice over class, Las Vegas, Happiness meetings, Vacation Bible School, playdates, father/daughter dance, writing camp, Texas road trip, typing class, building a deck, landscaping a yard, doctors and dentists appointments, Donor Dash, golf clinic, vacation in Rhode Island, Diva Dash, Fall Fling planning, Relay for Life, climbing Mt. Bierstadt, school shopping, meet the teachers and the zoo!  Add in visiting my dad in the hospital, rehab and extended care, giving him his IV meds when he was at home and working out.

That about sums it up!

Time for a Dazzling Poof

I've spent the past few days telling anyone who will listen to please pray for me on Saturday morning at 9:30am.  That's when I'll begin the Diva Dash.  "What is the Diva Dash?" you may ask.  "It sounds fun, it sounds sassy!"  Those are the exact thoughts that got me into this mess.  The Diva Dash is a 5K obstacle course - climbing walls, swinging on ropes, jumping through tires, etc. - that my friends Michele and Stephanie talked me into.  I was persuaded because I've been working out and I was feeling strong and capable.  I was persuaded because they used the F word - Fun - and God forbid I miss out on any of that!  I was persuaded because Stephanie has a way of talking me into anything.  (Thank goodness she's not into drugs!)

From the moment I clicked confirm on the registration, I began dreading "this stupid Diva Dash"!  What was I thinking?  I've only been working out for two months.  And although I'm proud of myself, when I say working out, I mean 20-40 minutes on the elliptical, or the rowing machine or the bike that you're sort of reclined in.  No actual "training", no upper body work - was there a picture of a woman wading through waist deep water on the website?  Again I ask - what was I thinking???

Well, I attended a meeting that Michele and Stephanie were at tonight.  As we walked to our cars, working out carpooling and our name (Dazzling Divas), I started laying the ground work.  "If I don't like an obstacle, I'm going around it!"  "I am NOT going through water!"  And so did they.  "Oh, okay, Roxy." Stephanie says in her sweet melodic voice.  "We'll see." says Michele with a smirk and a sideways glance.  I got into my car still throwing out threats.  "If I have to go through water, I won't be on this committee with you next year!"  They both grin and wave.

I was only in my car a minute or two before the thought hit me.  Of course this race is going to suck!  I've been calling it "stupid" since I signed up.  I've been telling everyone how scared I am and how nervous I am and "what was I thinking - I can't do this!"

Aha!  Negative Poofing!  As much as my mocking started as a joke, I have completely managed to freak myself out about "this stupid dash."  Well I only have about 36 hours left, but it's time for a turnaround.  It's time for a positive poof.  No - it's time for a dazzling poof!  So shall I begin again?

To anyone out there reading my blog: please pray for my friends and I on Saturday morning.  We're doing the Diva Dash.  It's a super fun obstacle 5k race.  I'll admit, I'm a little intimidated - but I'm with two of my friends who I always laugh with.  The three of us are going to be doing crazy fun things together for the next twelve years - at least! - and this is only the beginning.  So please pray for a safe race, for facing our fears, stretching outside our comfort zones and side-splitting laughter. 

And to Michele and Steph - thanks for "roping me in" again.  I'm sure the memories we make on Saturday will be ones we cherish for a very long time to come.  I can't wait!!!

My Dad's Smile

Well I am feeling great right now!  And no, it's not the glass of wine I had.  (Thanks again, Steph!)  It's that this has been an amazing day!!!  The last couple of weeks - and especially the last couple of days - have been up and down with a lot of stress.  My dad has been in and out of the hospital with one thing after another.  I am normally a pretty positive person - thanks mostly to The Secret and The Happiness Project - but even when you're positive about an outcome, sometimes the "going through it" part is difficult.

There are so many pieces that I try to fit together in these situations.  First and foremost, I try to stay positive.  Not just for myself, but for all involved.  Next, I try to be supportive - doing whatever I can to make the people I love more comfortable.  I try to be understanding.  We're all stressed out - trying to keep our focus on my dad while trying to make sense out of how it effects each of us individually.  Of course, we're all tightly wound in these circumstances, so when someone loses it, I try to not take it personally and forgive.  In addition to all of that, I try to cut myself some slack when I fall short and figure out how to rejuvenate when I'm depleted. 

Sometimes that's a tall order to fill.  Today however, all of the pieces fit into place.  Now I don't mean to diminish the stress of the situation.  My dad did have surgery.  There are always the possibilities of complications or things not working out the way we hope they will.  So of course there was stress and worry.  However, I kept my positive attitude.  I was sure that he would come through the surgery and that it would be successful.  It was!  Emotionally, we all came together and made each other laugh and kept each other going through the "waiting, waiting, waiting" period.  But today I lucked out.  One of my friends blessed our family by bringing us breakfast and coffee (as well as lunch yesterday) so no worries about who was going to get which kind of food and when.  No decisions had to be made.  No one had to worry that while they were out getting food, the doctor might come - food was already there - woohoo!

She also blessed us with a beautiful prayer. It was not only touching, but it brought me back to being thankful for all that I have been blessed with already. I lucked out again in that no one went off the deep end today.  I can't speak for anyone else, so maybe someone was on the edge.  But outwardly, we all held it together and were able to keep each other laughing.  I had a lovely dinner with the women of my family and I am thankful for each one of them.  (Thanks for letting your mom stay out late, cuz!)

When we got the results of the surgery, it was mostly good news - only one small worry left - but my dad did great!  The doctors - who I like to refer to as "the best of the best" and "Dr. Hottie" did a wonderful job and are very focused on the big picture - keeping my dad and his appendages in tact.  I feel like he has the very best care he could get.  The staff is great and we have not one complaint about them or the facility (knock on wood).

However --- all of this pales in comparison to one little thing - my dad's smile!  When we first got to see him after the surgery, he was still pretty drugged and yet still in a bit of pain.  No one likes to see someone they love in pain, so seeing him cringe at the cramp in his leg was unpleasant to say the least.  It wasn't long before they started to get his pain managed and he started to wake up a bit.  I understand that normally in these situations, most people take comfort in talking to their loved one or hearing a certain phrase or a certain tone in their voice.  And of course all of that is good for me too.  But here was the best part of my day.....

One of my sisters was sitting behind him, one was at his side and my mom and I were facing him.  My sister sitting behind him made a comment and he responded to her.  I immediately laughed out loud.  Both of my sisters and my mom asked, "What did he say?"  (he has a very loud vent in his room which makes it very difficult to hear him speak)  And my answer was this, "I have no idea, but by the smile on his face, he thinks he's being funny!" 

There are so many things I love about my dad.  But I have to say that his desire to laugh is on the top of my list.  It's the thing that gives me the most confidence that he's ok.  Of course, he's not smiling or laughing all of the time.  He's going through a lot, has been in a lot of pain and I know the worry gets to him.  But he still wants to laugh.  He still wants to make us laugh.  And watching him smile as the four of "his girls" fought over who was his favorite and who got to give him the last kiss goodbye for the night was the best gift he could give me today. 

With Father's Day being tomorrow, I can't imagine what I could possibly give him that's better than that.  A new pair of slippers just won't cut it.  So I guess when I visit him tomorrow, I'll do my best to give him what he still desires - a good laugh.  And then we'll both get a gift - because if I'm successful, I'll get to see that smile!

Distraction: Who Am I?

*Sigh!*

The last couple of weeks have been very up and down for me.  My dad has been in and out of the hospital (currently in) and we've been very busy.  I spent the day at the hospital and I will do the same tomorrow.  There's definitely a part of me that wants to detail everything that's been going on with him, his health and his care.  However; there's also a part of me that just wants to think about something else for a bit.  So.....selfishness and my "it's all about me" attitude wins out and I'm going to blog about my personal little distraction.

Back to my Happiness Project!  I realize that this is only my second post of the month, but I have scrapbooked (digitally) three or four times and I went on a hike on Tuesday.  What I'm still so jazzed about is riding the success of last month!  I've been to the gym four times this month - which doesn't sound super impressive compared to last month, but I was out of town for four days, so it's a little impressive.  While I was out of town, I walked - a ton! - and I already mentioned my hike this week.  So the exercise is still going well.  But here's the amazing part.....

As I said, I was at the hospital all day today and I have to be back early in the morning.  Here's the strange part: at some point today, I thought, "maybe I'll work out in the morning before I come back."  So I checked the website and my gym doesn't open until 7:00am on Saturdays.  Bummer - I have to be at the hospital by 8:00, so that won't work.  Then I realized that it's open until 10:00 tonight.  Here's the stranger part: I thought, "I could go when I get home tonight."  Wait for it..... here's the strangest part: I actually went!!! 

Who am I???

I am not that girl!  You know - that girl that I make fun of and call a "freak" because she goes to the gym at 9 o'clock at night!  Well, hold onto your hats, my friends, because apparently I am that girl.  I got home, packed my gym bag and headed to the gym.  And just to put the icing on the cake - I got to see one of my friends there - woohoo!  I got in a workout, I soaked in the hot tub, took a shower and I feel great!  Physically, my body is relaxed, my mind is clear and I'm focused.  Mentally, I'm super proud - albeit surprised - that I went to the gym instead of plopping down in front of the TV. 

Of course, my dad is still on my mind, but I feel like I've cleared my head and can think even more positively for him and be a better support for my mom.  Someone should tell people about the positive effects of working out (haha).  And just to brag a bit more ('cause I'm on a roll) I'm on day eight without soda!  I was averaging about one every five days, but currently I'm at eight.  My dad's hospital stay will be a good test of my soda craving since it's definitely a comfort food for me.  But I didn't have one yesterday or today, so I'm feeling good about it.  And even if I do - it's one soda and I'll start again.  Again - who am I?

I'm a girl on a mission!  And I only have nine minutes to get to bed only one hour late, so I'm done for tonight.  Please send good thoughts and prayers my dad's way and hopefully soon I'll be able to give a good report from both of us!

Let's Try This Again

I sit here wondering what the best way to start is.  It's been so long that I think that some sort of explanation is in order - although I'm not sure it is.  Maybe I should set up my new plan about my intention to blog more regularly.  Maybe I should start with a "let's bring you up to date on me" post.  Then it occurred to me - just start typing!  So you'll probably get a bit of all of the above (although not a complete "bring you up to date" - that would take hours upon hours, which I don't have).

I guess what I really want to start with is that I'm still doing The Happiness Project and I still love it!  I've had some months that were better than others.  Not that I didn't like the focus of certain months, just that I wasn't as dedicated.  I realized (you're going to be shocked) that if I actually write down what I'm going to focus on, I do a much better job.  I have two Happiness groups going and sometimes life it too crazy and I pick my subject for the month too last minute and make up my goals for the month on the fly.  That doesn't seem to work too well for me.  However, the months that I take the time to re-read the chapter that I'm working on, write down my goals and maybe make a scrapbook page to signify that month, I do amazingly well.

Last month was a complete success!  I revisited the first chapter about vitality.  I had gotten out of the habit of going to bed on time and that had been the only thing that had really stuck.  The biggest problem I find with bedtime this time is my schedule with my kids was so crazy (last month of school) that they were going to bed later and I really need a bit of downtime between their bedtime and mine.  I did ok, but I'm worried about summer since their bedtime is later.  None-the-less, I made huge improvements in this area - getting to bed between 10:30 & 11:00 (my goal is 10:00) vs. between 11:30 & 1:00.

My next task was giving up soda.  I'm not a diet soda kind of girl but I know how bad the real thing is for me.  I've kicked the habit a couple of times before, but this time it just wasn't working out.  So instead of my all or nothing approach (which usually works for me) I decided to take baby steps.  Just go one day without it.  Then the next week, go two days.  I'm happy to report that currently, I've only had a soda every five days.  I'm trying not to say that I'll never have one again (then I'll want it too badly) but the longer I can go in between, the better I'm feeling.

The biggest thing I accomplished, however - is that I joined a gym near my house.  First of all what you need to know is that I would never say I'm a gym girl.  Next what you need to know is that this particular gym is outrageously priced (in my opinion) and I'm not overjoyed with paying that amount of money "just to work out."  So here's why I did.  I had asked one of my friends if she thought the price is too much.  Her answer was, "If you go, no amount of money is too much for your health."  Ok - good answer.  So that helps out with the money part.  Plus, I decided that I would give myself three months.  If I didn't use it enough for me to justify the price, I would stop (nice thing about this gym - no contract).  That's the first part. 

The second part is that everyone I know goes to this gym!  Ok - there might be one or two of my friends who don't go there, but almost everyone else.  Being the social person that I am, my thought process is that if I can go with a friend, I'm more likely to go.  Even if I can't schedule something with a friend, there's a good possibility that I'll run into someone I know - which will make for a pleasant experience while I'm there.

Lastly, the child care is active-based.  My kiddos won't just be plopped in front of a movie - they'll be moving.  One of my goals is to get fitness ingrained in my children's lives so they're not struggling with it at 40 like I am.  Plus, if my friends are there - so are their friends.  Built in play-date.  Yay me!

Well, I am happy to report that I started May 3rd and in the month of May I went to the gym eleven times.  I did some sort of other exercise (hiking and such) eight days in May.  Of the eleven days at the gym, I worked out by myself only three times - so the whole friend thing is a huge plus.  Again, summertime worries me a bit.  Don't get me wrong, my kids love, love, love the gym.  However, in May I did go several times while they were at school.  I hope they love it as much when they're going multiple times per week.

I also had a garage sale and was able to purge some stuff and I've finally (with help from a friend) put some bigger items on Craigslist.  Of course, my goal it to continue with the workouts and the reduced soda intake.  In a month or two, I think I'll do vitality again and focus more on healthy food, but for now it's time to move on.

This month I'm working on my passions.  Hence - this post.  One of the things Gretchen has said recently (or maybe it's not recently - but I just read it) is if you're having trouble getting something done, do it every day.  At first, I thought that was a silly thing to try.  If I can't get it done weekly, how on Earth am I going to get it done daily?  Well, I've been doing it with the picking up of dog poo and it seems to be working out (if you know me, you know how huge that is) so I'm going to try it with my passions as well.  That doesn't necessarily mean I'll blog everyday, since scrapbooking and hiking are also on my list of passions.  But it won't be months again before I post something.  I'm also wanting to research what else I might be passionate about.  I have a ton of things I'd like to try, so I'm going to pick one or two of them and see if anything sticks.

And as I pause to re-read what I've written, it turns out that the "just start typing" thing was a good idea.  I didn't focus on any of the things that I was originally thinking - not in detail anyway.  But this was just what I needed: to focus on my happiness, to write it down.  I think that means for June - I'm off to a great start!!!

Living in the Moment

I am in the middle of my "crazy, fun" season.  October through February is a crazy busy time for me.  For a good chunk of it, I feel completely overwhelmed.  However - it's all fun stuff, so I never complain about it.  Ok - "never" is strong.  I do most of it to myself, so I don't feel that it's right to complain.  Unfortunately, I've noticed myself complaining a lot these past couple of weeks.  Tonight I figured out why.

I haven't been "living in the moment."  Obviously, with the holidays upon us and all of the festivities and all of the extras that I have to do, there is a fair amount of time that needs to be spent on looking towards the future for planning purposes.  There also needs to be some time looking back (how did we arrange the nutcrackers last year?).  But the most important part of all that planning and all of the traditions is to enjoy them while they're happening.

This year - just in case I'm not usually busy enough - I volunteered in both of my girls' classes for their Halloween parties and I was slotted to help with their girl scouts service project collecting food for needy families for Thanksgiving.  Add to that all of the extras that the schools do to make school fun (never forget to send the stuffed animal on the day they get to bring stuffed animals to school - never!) and I am in complete overwhelm overload!  Now in my defense, I've been complaining nicely.  I haven't used a sour tone or bad words.  It's been "jokingly" complaining.

Well, tonight I decided it had been too long since I blogged, so I was looking through some writing ideas and I came across "My Creaking Body".  This was an idea I had when I hadn't hiked for a month and I noticed my body "creaking" more often than it had been - literally!  My knees cracked, by back strained, I grunted every time I got out of a chair.  I wanted to write about how much I had come to love hiking and how it was benefiting me.  But when I sat down to try to write I realized that I've only hiked once in the past month and today, my body isn't creaking.  Hmmm...I thought - why is that?  What did I do today?

Today was the service project with my daughters' girl scouts troops.  Two things hit me next.  One was that I'm definitely onto something with getting exercise vs. creaking.  We hit the streets today - going door to door asking for donations.  Granted, it wasn't strenuous exercise by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't sitting and I was outside.  The other was something that one of the other moms said towards the end of the event.  She said, "This is so fun."

I'll admit, at the time she said it, I thought, "yeah, whatever - you're a better mom than I am."  But as I was pondering why that particular thought popped into my head is when it hit me that I'm not "living in the moment."  She was right - it was fun.  The kids all had a great time.  They raced house to house to see who got to ring the bell, they got excited when someone gave more than just one can and they even got one of the dads to pull each of them in the wagon.  They got to decorate the bags for delivery, eat cookies and drink hot chocolate.  It was even fun for me - I got to see some of my friends, meet a few new moms and see the joy in my children's faces as they enjoyed a beautiful day outside. 

But I had been too caught up in what I had to do to help the event.  Too caught up in the fact that I had to help at all.  To be honest, I was still reeling from having to help in their classrooms on Halloween.  So here's my "a-ha moment" for the day - or more appropriately, my "a-ha reminder moment" - enjoy it!  Live in the moment.  Treasure these moments that are going to pass all too quickly.  And I'm not just talking about the "they're only small once" moments (although those are certainly important).  I'm talking about all the moments.  If you - ok, if I - have said yes to doing something, enjoy it.  We've all made plans with friends or family out of obligation or even for fun and thought, I could be doing something else that's a better use of my time.  And maybe that's true.  But the point is, you've made the plans - you can grumble through them, or you can enjoy them.  The choice is yours.  No one is going to make you have a bad time and no one is responsible for you having a good time - only you.

What I'm most thankful for today is that this "a-ha reminder" came to me at the beginning of the season.  I'm sure there will still be some amount of stress involved in the planning of events big and small.  The good news is that as the time of the event gets closer, I'm going to remind myself to live in the moment - and be thankful for the busyness that keeps my body from creaking!

Thank you, Pastor

Three weeks ago, the pastor at my church announced that because of medical reasons, he would be stepping down.  As he was making the announcement, the tears started to roll and only stopped periodically for the rest of the day.  I've spent the past few weeks trying not to think about it because every time I do, it makes me so sad.  Well, today is his last day leading us in worship, so I guess it's time to think about it.

I grew up with religion, so this isn't the first time I've had to go through a change in a church.  It is, however, the first time that I've been so sad about it.  I was raised Catholic and was never close to any of the priests.  Two and a half years ago, on a recommendation from a friend, I signed my girls up for vacation bible school at a Lutheran church.  The pastor only spoke to me two times that week - but I could tell you what he said to me in both conversations.  I liked him from the moment I met him.

We went to services that Sunday because the kids from VBS were going to sing the songs they had learned that week.  As we walked out, several people introduced themselves to us.  It felt so warm and welcoming.  I realize that some of my friends would have hated that.  They'd prefer to slide in and slide out unnoticed.  I used to prefer that too - but this was so much better.  The pastor invited me back and the next week, since Mike had the girls, I went by myself.

The pastor's sermon seemed like it was written for me.  Furthermore, he was so engaging!  I've sat through my share of sermons when I had to work hard to concentrate to pay attention.  Not so with him.  The other thing that seemed amazing to me (although this is how it should be) was that he seemed to be passionate about what he was preaching.  It wasn't just something he was reading or had memorized, like he had said it so many times it had become monotone - he truly believed!  And wanted to share his passion with us - with me!

As I walked out to my car, I paused in the courtyard for a moment, took a deep breath and thought, "I'm home!"

I had stopped going to church a few years back and had tried several times to find a new church.  None of them - not even the church I grew up in - had this feeling for me.  It was amazing, like God was just waiting there for me - waiting for me to come home.

Over the next few months I had several conversations with the pastor.  He explained the differences between being Catholic and being Lutheran, he gave me insight on the history of the church and he answered my questions.  I loved those conversations!  First of all, I grew up learning rules and do's and don'ts, but I had never learned about the history.  I heard the readings at church on Sunday, but had never read the Bible myself.  I actually started reading it a couple of years ago, but he really helped me to see the Word.  It's like the light went on when I truly got the concept of grace, when it clicked that we're all sinners and forgiven through Jesus. 

I could go on and on with my many "a-ha moments", but one of the best parts was him - my pastor.  He didn't meet with me because he had to or because it was just part of his job.  He didn't answer my questions with mundane, rehearsed answers.  He talked with me, he was patient when I didn't understand, and he taught me with examples that were relevant to my life.  I commented to him once that he was the draw for me to come to that church and he replied, "You never choose a church for the pastor." 

Now that he is stepping down, I realize that he is right - and sometimes wrong.  He's right in that the pastor is not the reason you should choose a church because he could leave that church on any given day for any given reason.  However, he's also wrong because I know that he's the reason I came back to that church after VBS.  His willingness to explain the differences to me, to answer my questions, to engage my children in services, to invite me to Bible study and my girls to Sunday school, to teach me the meaning of forgiveness and share his love of God with me - he's the reason I went back.

He's not the reason I'll stay.  That church truly is my home!  I felt it.  I know it.  I treasure it.  I love the people there and I will be forever thankful that he was there inviting me to stay.  I might have found it anyway.  But I might have left after VBS Sunday and not come back.  I'm sure he'd say that he's not the reason, that God's the reason I finally found my way home.  And he's right.  God had him in the right place at the right time to help me find my way.

So thank you Pastor!  Thank you for being such an important part of my journey!  I will be praying for your healing and your happiness and thanking God every day for having blessed me with your friendship. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; May the Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you Peace.