Oprah

I have to start by saying that I love tivo!  I love being able to record the shows I like without needing a tape - whenever I want to.  I love that I can watch those favorite shows over and over again without wearing out a tape and I love that I never have to watch a commercial.  There is a downside.  I'm always days or weeks behind the people who watch TV in real time.  This is definitely one of those times.

I never really watched Oprah.  Yes, I caught part of a show here and there over the last twenty five years.  Of course I heard many stories about her different shows - the things that interested most of my friends.  A friend's sister's "something borrowed" for her wedding was a pair of Oprah's earrings.  I don't think I've ever met the sister, but I loved the story of Oprah's generosity and the fact that she loaned them out.  How cool is that?  I've never really watched, but there was something I've always liked about her.

I have a knack for discovering that I like shows after they've been on for years and are about to be cancelled.  Naturally when I found out that Oprah was going off the air, I considered watching - but I never did.  However, when OWN started, I tuned in - interested in knowing what it would be all about.  The first show I fell in love with was "Ask Oprah's Allstars".  It was only on for a month at the beginning of the year.  It's premise was to help you get off to a great year.  Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Suze Orman giving advice on everything.  I love Suze Orman!!!  I'd only watched as much Dr. Phil as I had Oprah (but I like him) and I didn't know a thing about Dr. Oz.  I now love them all - but even more, I love them together.  They linked their specialties to each other and the advice they gave was priceless.  I loved it so much that after watching, I didn't delete them.  I saved them so I could take notes later.

The second show I fell in love with was "Oprah's Masters Class".  This show took different celebrities and had them give their story, their take on life.  Oprah's tag line for the show was something like, "They're masters of their lives".  People like Diane Sawyer, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Simon Cowell and Jay-Z.  Such a variety.  Every episode had so much depth.  I have pages of notes from this series as well.  I'm already looking forward to season two.

I stumbled onto a few of the "Behind the Scenes of Season 25" and was very intrigued with the way it all worked, but again, only watched bits here and there.  I did manage to tivo the very last episode of Oprah.  And although it was on who knows how long ago, I just watched it last night.  It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me sad that I missed even one of her shows, let alone twenty five years worth, but mostly it inspired me.  I can't tell you everything that touched me (I just watched it yesterday, I haven't had a chance to re-watch to take notes yet), but I loved the way she challenged her viewers to find themselves.  To follow their passion.  To find their audience - no matter how big or small.  Maybe that's why it touched me so much.  I've been on that mission for a few years now, but it's only been recently that I've been able to articulate it.  It's only been because of the difficulty that I've experienced recently that I've even gone looking for myself - understanding that I was lost in the first place. 

Realizing that I wanted to reach out through my writing just felt like a "want", but it may be that I'm just trying to find my audience.  It gave me chills to think of how many lives Oprah has touched.  And although I have no delusion that I could go that far, I am inspired to touch lives.  I've said it before - if I can help someone - make them feel better, help them to reach an a-ha moment, inspire or encourage them or even just bring a smile to their face, then I'm happy.

I know that those of you who know me think I just like the praise (and I do), but when it comes to my writing, its not the praise that touches my heart.  It's the fact that something I said helped someone else.  And I am so thankful to be able to know the difference.

I don't know that Oprah is ever going to read my blog, but on the off chance that it happens...

I would like to thank you Oprah!  I missed the last twenty five years, but I will have my eyes open for the next twenty five.  I'll be watching OWN, hoping to stumble onto more of that inspiration that you've given me just this year alone.  Thank you for being able to see the talent that can touch people's lives and thank you for your wisdom, encouragement, compassion and inspiration.  You have a new fan - because now, you've touched my life.  Thank you!

 

For Michele....

Friendship is one of my favorite blessings in this life!  Each one is unique.  Each one has a different purpose.  Each one has drawbacks and perks.  I'm sure at this point you've all seen that poem about how some friends are only in your life for a season, a reason or for life.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful friendships I've had throughout my life.  This week I've been thinking about friendships a lot.  Oddly enough, some of the thoughts have been a bit rough.  Friendships going through bumps along the way - or presumed bumps.  But I am thankful that with a good friend, when you hit a bump, you can bounce right back.  My two favorite "friends" moments of the week were these:

I started the week taking a "field trip" to the capital to see a friend's quilt on display.  There were six of us who have been friends for over ten years.  We only manage to get together a couple of times a year, yet I found myself in awe of how close we are.  In the short time we spend together, we share all of our greatest triumphs and all of our most painful moments.  As we sat around our dinner table and shared our latest news, my love for each of them was renewed (once again) and I was overwhelmed with the blessing of them.  How can it be that even though we don't see each other often - don't even talk often, I feel so close to them?  I guess that's what true friends are.  You don't need an explanation of how the friendship works - it just does.

The second moment was at my daughter's school today.  I'm as excited as she is!  Of course, I'm excited because now I can see some of my newer friends more regularly again.  I was in my glory - connecting with other moms when I spotted Michele in the hallway.  I made my way over to her and after a brief chat about which kids are in which class, she chided me about not responding to an email (which I certainly deserved because I'm horrible at it).  Then she praised me about my last blog post (which I loved, because I am - after all - me).  Here's the thing - of course, if you know me at all, you know I love the praise, but that wasn't it.  It was the sincerity with which the praise was given.  She told me how much she enjoys my blog and how much she misses is when I don't post regularly.  I don't think words (not even these words, meant especially for her) can express how much it touches me to know that someone out there truly wants to read what I have to say.  I can only hope that in some way I've done for her what she does for me when she encourages me like that.  Or that I can someday.

I could probably write forever about how important my friends are to me, but why use it all up on one post?  I'm sure there will be more to come - I'll get back to daily posts (with a little help from my friends).  So here you go, Michele.  You didn't just get one paragraph, you got four!  Thank you for encouraging me!  Thank you for touching my heart!  And thanks for making me trash!  (inside joke)

Grays Peak!

WOW!!!

To give my full experience of climbing Grays Peak, I have to start a couple of weeks ago.  Chrissy had the brilliant idea to go up to Grays Peak and do a "practice run" (or practice hike, if you'd like to be more specific).  She picked me up at 7:00 on a Friday morning and we were at the bottom of the mountain by 9:00.  We hiked up for three hours and down for two.  With breaks for eating and catching our breath the whole experience took us five and a half hours.  We spent most of our time trying to figure out which of the amazing mountains surrounding us were Grays and Torreys, how similar - and different - it was from what others had told us about the hike and basking in God's glory.

Living in Colorado, I was expecting the majesty of the mountains.  What I hadn't even thought of were all of the beautiful wildflowers - the meadows within the mountains.  The contrast was breathtaking!

We talked about the different colors, the different shades of purple, the fact that sometimes they seemed to grow straight out of a rock.  We talked of His brilliance and how blessed we are. 

Of course, we also talked about silly and trivial things as well.  And everything in between.  After a long silence, we talked about how nice it was to be able to enjoy each others company without words.

The time between this "trial run" and yesterday was filled with making plans, coordinating with my other friends (there were eight of us all together), getting excited and feeling nervous.  I stayed in Georgetown Sunday night with Stephanie,  Polli and Polli's friend Danette.  Emily, Tina, Chrissy and Carole were meeting us in the morning.  I was asleep by 8:00pm and got a good nights sleep.  We all met up in the parking lot of our hotel at 4:00am.  After the extraordinarily bumpy ride to the base and taking group pictures (none of which I currently have since they were on someone else's camera) we started our hike at 5:09am.

The beginning of a hike is always a bit rough for me.  I always think I have more energy than I really do and today it was worse with all of my excitement and seven other women to keep up with.  Of course, I knew that I couldn't begin to keep up with them, but the excitement was still overwhelming.  I was already out of breath and in need of a break.  We spent the first couple of hours in three groups, the first two groups stopping often waiting for us to catch up.  I have to admit, even though I knew it would happen, I felt a bit guilty for holding them up.  Chrissy's a pleaser, so she was practically twitching.  I made one final apology and told them all that they should not feel bad about going on without us.  They were thankful that I was done apologizing and I was thankful when they went on ahead.

Chrissy and I made it to the place we had stopped at the last time in under three hours and were very hopeful and proud of ourselves.  I'm sure this is too much information; but for those of you who have heard my Royal Gorge story, you'll be very glad to hear that I managed to pee outside without peeing all over myself.  That in and of itself made this a successful day - ha...ha!  We continued to hike for a while longer when something happened that I hadn't quite anticipated.  I was exhausted, my legs felt like sludge and for the first time  - the very first time - since this plan was formed - I didn't think I could make it.  I fought back the tears as this realization hit me and the argument in my head began.

I tried to think of the person that I know I am.  "If I can only push through, I know I can make it!"  But my brain was losing the argument.  My body was winning.  My brain was asking a million questions.  "How can I let my friends down?"  "How can I make Chrissy finish the hike by herself?"  "How am I going to explain to Emily (who had the other walkie-talkie) that I was done?"  "How long would the group on the top be waiting to take our 'group photo' before Emily could get to them to tell them I wasn't coming?"  "How am I going to tell all of my other friends that I gave up?" "How am I going to face myself in the morning?"  My body kept giving the same answer: "I just can't do it. Too exhausted!"  My brain knew that wasn't a good answer, but my body was still winning.

When I couldn't stand it anymore I finally spoke (almost whispered) the evil words that bring tears to my eyes even today, "Chris, I don't think I can do this."  She gave me the quick, "Yes you can."  As I think of it today I feel so blessed to have had her by my side during this particular breakdown.  We stopped for a few minutes as I let the tears slip out.  The silence grew as we both looked out on the beauty that God laid before us.  She finally said, "You are one of the strongest women I know."  I know that wasn't a ploy to get me moving. I know that she really believes that of me.  It touched on my mantra "I can do anything I put my mind to".  The argument in my head began again.  She finally turned to look at me and (possibly for the first time in our friendship), I couldn't stand to have her watch me cry.  I nodded and quietly said, "yeah, let's go."  And with that, my brain won the argument.

We hiked a while longer and enjoyed the different views the higher up we got.  We had heard it was about an eight hour hike and it was important to be off of the mountain by noonish - before the afternoon storms hit.  We had already pushed our time back by leaving at 5:00, hoping to be off the mountain by 1:00.  I had even decided that 2:00 would be ok.  However, later than that was worrying me.  I figured since we'll go faster down than up, that five hours up and four hours down gets us back by 2:00 (the latest we should be down, in my mind).  It was almost 10:00.  We'd been hiking for five hours and we weren't close to the top yet - well, not close enough.  Chrissy thought we were still an hour away, I thought it was more like two.  I asked her what we should do.  Again, she gave me a quick answer, "We can make it."

At this point (since I had passed my meltdown), I believed that she was right, we could make it!  My question was, should we?  Even if she was right and we were only an hour from the top, that would be six hours up, five down - that puts us off the mountain at 4:00!  I wasn't afraid of rain ('cause I was prepared), but I had heard too many people caution us against being on an open mountain with a possibility of lightening.  I told her to think about it and said a small prayer for God to guide me to make the right decision. 

At 10:15, when we paused for a break, I told her that I was going to head back down.  I called Emily on the walkie-talkies and she tried to encourage me not to give up, but I explained that it was for the time, not motivation.  She had just reached the top and they had planned on heading over to Torreys, but since I was going down they decided to come down too.  To be honest, I felt bad that they couldn't do the second peak and that Chrissy couldn't get to the top because of a decision that I was making.  I also felt completely confident in that decision and that helped.  Chrissy hiked up a little ways more while I rested a bit, then we headed down together.

I spent the first bit down apologizing profusely for her not getting to the top.  She told me not to worry about it, but I know she was disappointed.  She is better at pushing herself than I am and I'm sure that if she had been hiking with Carole, she probably would have made it.  I did (and still do) feel bad that since she stayed behind with me she didn't get to the top, but I also feel confident in my decision for myself - and that helped me get through that.  The rest of the hike down was very pleasant and we continued to be in awe of our surroundings.  We were also super proud of how far we did get!

Emily passed us on the way down and Carole eventually caught up with us.  I went on ahead to let the sisters have some time together and that ended up being a treat for me as well.  Normally I don't like to hike alone (so much so that I hardly ever do it).  However, it was nice to end the hike alone with my thoughts.

I thought about what a great group of women I was surrounded by.  Tina, Stephanie and Chrissy are three of my very best friends.  I would do anything for them and they are each a blessing in my life!  Carole and I aren't close anymore, but we were great friends once and I treasure that time together.  Emily and I have only been friends for a couple of years, but our shared birthday and now our shared love for hiking has brought us closer and I'm thankful for her.  Polli and I are just getting to know each other.  I wish I had a tape of her laugh, so I could hear it every day.  I just met Danette (but I couldn't leave her out).  She was very kind and I want to be able to hike as fast as she does someday.

I thought about my friends, Katie and Holly who hiked with me in preparation of today.  (Thanks!)  I thought of the many other friends who have encouraged me along this journey; their phone calls, emails and Facebook posts wishing me well.  I thought about my new found love of hiking.  This is probably the best part of the whole experience (physically).  Just because Grays Peak was today, it doesn't mean that I'm done.  I'll be headed back to Chautauqua later this week and I'm already looking forward to it.

As one thought melded into the next, I felt a peace fall over me.  If you had asked me a week ago (or even a day ago) how I would feel if I didn't make it to the top, I would've said, "miserable" or "devastated" or "disappointed" at the very least.  As I finished out my hike, I felt none of those - only contentment.  No, I didn't make it to the top, but I still did an eight and a half hour hike.  I still had a great day with people I love.  I still got to experience perhaps one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.  Yes, I had a melt down, but I overcame it.  Yes, I had a difficult decision to make, but I was sure of myself in that decision.  No, I didn't reach my goal, but maybe I attained something else.  Maybe this is what God needs me to hear.

I've always been a "the journey's the reward" type of girl.  But I've always achieved the goal as well.  It's easy to say the journey's the reward when you've done both.  I think this is the first time I didn't achieve the goal (a blessing within itself).  I'm always looking for more in life (as we all are at some point).  The perfect partner, better parenting skills, more knowledge, better efficiency to gain more time to do the things I like.  I could go on and on.  And I'm not saying that I won't still try to attain these things.  But sometimes, maybe we need to take a break to realize that what we have - or what we've accomplished - is enough for now.  I may not be perfect, or even close to it.  I may indeed have a lot to work on to become the person I want to be.  But for today, I'm enough.

That's what made it so easy to answer Emily when she asked me, "So, when are we going to do it again?"

"Next year."

And so the next journey begins....

My Week of Excitement

Well hello blog-land!  I haven't posted in so long that it feels foreign to me again.  I got into a bit of an emotional funk, but that isn't the point of this post today.  The point of today is that I'm pulling myself out of it and I've had a GREAT couple of weeks!

To be honest, I would love to give the play by play of the past ten days - just because they were so jam packed and so super fun.  However, I do realize that not everyone wants a detailed account of my every minute (although I can never figure out why not - haha).  What I will do is point out the highlights of my "week of excitement" (as my daughter called it).

First of all, my girls had Vacation Bible School last week.  This is only our second year doing it and I have loved it both years.  It is such a positive message, the kids love learning about Jesus and we got a CD with all of the fun songs that they sang.  Also, some of my friends' kids attend as well, so I get to see some of my buddies. 

On Monday, we went to Chick-Fil-A with one of my friends and we ran into three other friends there.  I know this doesn't sound too terribly exciting, but I'd always wanted to live in a neighborhood where you would just "run into people you know" everywhere.  Well, the only place I "run into people I know" is Chick-Fil-A.  Is it a sign that I eat there too often?  Maybe.  However, it was super fun to see my friends.  It was later that day that I realized that if they made a "Sex and the City" type of show about my life.  I wouldn't always be having lunch in some trendy, high-priced restaurant with my friends all the time - we'd be at Chick-Fil-A!

We got to go swimming twice last week - which isn't unusual for us in the summer.  However, both times this week were a bit of a treat.  On Tuesday we celebrated a friends birthday (again got to see a bunch of friends) and on Wednesday we got to go to a new pool with another friend.  Both of my girls could touch almost anywhere in the pool, so I actually got to sit with my friend and just enjoy her company.

I hiked at Chautauqua and I couldn't believe the size of the poppies as we started our hike.  They were so beautiful.  I was reminded once again of the glory of God and how blessed I am to live in such a beautiful place.  I also couldn't believe how brave I was.  There were bees buzzing, grasshopper wings flapping and crickets chirping - and I just kept hiking.  I only shivered once and I didn't freak out or run from an insect even once.  I hadn't been hiking in a while and I was proud of myself for getting back out there.  I was impressed that even though it had been almost two weeks, I wasn't exhausted (woo-hoo).  Mostly, I was thrilled to be moving and thankful that I could do it surrounded by beauty alongside a friend.

My big accomplishment for the week was that my cousin and I re-did the floor in my kitchen.  Yes, you read that right - I did it myself!  Of course I underestimated the prep work (and the cost of the tools I hadn't realized we would need), but we had fun.  My cousin is such a good guy - and he is super funny!  He's also laid back, so when I had a moment of OCD he just rolled with it.  (Love that!!!)  I knew that I wanted to do this project myself, but I didn't know how much I would enjoy it.  One of my favorite parts was sanding the floor - who knew?  I also enjoyed laying down the tiles and making it all purdy!  But my favorite part was laughing with my cousin.  Sometimes, our conversation just led to laughter, sometimes it was my singing (not that I don't have a lovely singing voice - it was the songs I chose) but my favorite was when we thought we messed something up (or when we really did mess something up).  Instead of freaking out or getting mad, we would both just start to laugh.  Gosh I love that boy!!!

I also managed to get in some scrapbooking with friends, eat at one of my new favorite places, worked a bit, got a new refrigerator, spent time hanging out with two of my fave friends and had an awesome day with my family for Father's Day.  Of course, I still have some of that emotional funk left over, but I have to tell ya' - life just doesn't get any better than this!

I Woke up to the Vastness!

It always amazes me how quickly our lives can change.  Obviously, we think about that when tragedy strikes.  But I'm just talking about the direction our lives take - positively or negatively - and how sometimes we don't even know that they've taken a turn.  I realized it today.

I'm in Evergreen at a fabulous B&B for a scrapbook retreat.  But I can't start there -I have to back up.  From April 21st until this past Tuesday, I've felt like my life was in a downward spiral.  One thing after another knocked me down.  Tuesday I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas in one hour and thirty-five minutes (and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse!).  On Wednesday, I remembered the power of the "poof".  On Thursday, I passed my driving test (whew!)  Thursday afternoon, I was having a conversation with someone (telling her all of the craziness that is currently my life) and she said, "You're doing pretty well.  Considering what you've been through, you're doing much better than I expected."  That stuck with me for the rest of the day.  I hadn't really thought about it, but she was right.  Six months ago, these events would make me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.  But I haven't even thought about doing that.  I've felt beat up and I've wondered where I'm headed, but I didn't want to hide.

Friday I packed my car with what I lovingly call my "heavy hobby".  Normally this task takes my breath away - literally.  It didn't.  I figured that I must have packed the boxes lighter than normal because I didn't even heave when I brought the big bags up the stairs.  I got to Evergreen and started to move and groove.  This is the tiring part of retreat, when I try to get everything into the house and set up as quickly as possible.  Again - no heaving.  Then I had the strangest thought: what if the boxes aren't lighter?  What if I'm just in better condition?  Wouldn't that rock?  The more I thought about it, the more I think I'm right.  This whole hiking thing is really paying off - I'm able to start a retreat without being completely exhausted.  Woo-Hoo!

(But I still hadn't noticed the change of direction.)

Luckily for me, God makes sure I understand one way or another.  This morning I woke up to.....the vastness!  I opened the shades in my room and there it was.  To most people it was nothing - absolutely nothing.  Just white.  To me, it was the "vastness".  I was immediately back at the Grand Canyon, in awe of the beauty before me.  No shades of gray - just white - with no visibility except for the trees immediately in front of me.  Again - to most people, this wouldn't be an overly significant moment, but it was for me.  You see, when I was at the Grand Canyon, I hit a turning point.  I was good and I knew that I was headed in the right direction and everything is going to be ok.  Then April 21st came and spun my life in a different direction.  Of course I noticed it, because it was on the cusp of being a tragedy (at least to me).  However, on Tuesday, when the weather was perfect and Katie was free to hike with me and we had enough time to make it to the top and my legs weren't killing me and I wasn't heaving and...and...and...

I didn't notice that my life had changed direction again.  I didn't notice until today - when I saw the vastness - then I knew.  When I came upstairs, I went out onto the balcony to take some pictures.  And as I stood in the quiet of the beauty surrounding me, I thanked God for helping me through the past few weeks and I thought, "I got this!"

"Poof" Please

Several years ago, I discovered the "power of the poof".  Before the book The Secret came out, my friend had it figured out.  If there was something that she or one of her friends really wanted to happen, she would say, "Let's put it out there."  And - poof - it would happen.  At least that's the way I remember it.  Ok, maybe it didn't happen with everything, but enough for me to notice.  Enough for me to ask, "Hey, when are you going to poof me?"  Then I read The Secret - devoured it, is more like it.  I love this premise.  I love that these philosophies date back to the Bible. 

If you haven't read it, the idea is that whatever you put out into the universe, you will get back.  If you put out positive things, positive things will happen in your life.  If you put out negative things, negative things will happen in your life.  You're supposed to say everything in the present tense.  "I own a house." vs. "I'm going to own a house."  Because "going to" is always in the elusive future and will never come to be.  I also found this very interesting: the universe doesn't hear "not" (cannot, am not or does not).  Therefore, saying "I am not in debt." doesn't really work.  All the universe hears is "I am in debt."  It's much better to say, "I am rich." or "I am financially stable."

I know that to some, this sounds crazy.  Just because you say something to the universe or pray to God doesn't mean you always get what you want.  And that's true - not always.  But I have seen it happen - in my own life - the positive way and the negative way.  For example, once I found out that I had to re-take the driving test, I kept thinking, "Wouldn't that be crazy if I failed?"  The answer to that question is no - it wouldn't be crazy.  It was devastating!!!!  And again, I'm sure naysayers are thinking, "Really?  Just because you had that thought, that's why you think you failed?"  Again, the answer is no.  I'm sure that's not the entire reason.  However, not once did I think, "No problem.  I'm gonna pass with flying colors."

On the positive side, I have noticed a considerable difference in hiking Mt. Sanitas when I start to run out of energy and I say, "I got this!  I'm good.  I'm going to make it to the top." vs. when I say, "I can't.  I'm so tired.  Half way up is good for today."  I even notice a difference when I'm vague.  When I focus on the bad in my life, life seems difficult.  When I focus on the good, I only feel blessed.  When I walk around saying, "I've turned a corner, I'm doing really well!"  I feel better than when I say, "I'm not great.  Life sort of sucks right now."

Now don't get me wrong - I'm certainly guilty of the latter (especially these past few weeks).  That's why this post came to me tonight.  I really have been "just surviving".  The first two weeks, I felt like every time I got up, something else knocked me down.  This last week, I just felt sorry for myself.  Well, tomorrow is my second driving test and I've spent the last few days telling everyone I see, "Pray for me on Thursday morning."  Tonight, I found myself thinking, I need to be poofed!  That's when I realized that I had been "poofed" - negatively - by ME!  Ugh!  I know better than that!  So - whether you call it praying, or the secret, or putting it out in the universe, or poofing - please be doing it in a positive way.  Don't sell yourself short and don't sabotage yourself with negative thoughts.

As for me, I'm off to bed to get a good night's sleep - because as of tomorrow morning, I'm a licensed driver again.  (...and my handy man's fixing the cabinet...and my new fridge is awesome...and Mike has a great job...and my retreat is super fun...)  And just in case you'd like to poof me in the morning - I thank you in advance!

Everything Happens for a Reason (right?)

That's what my grandmother used to say.  I grew up believing that and today is no different.  The only thing different is when you hear that when you're ten or 15, it sounds awesome.  It makes you think that being at that particular mall entrance when the cutest boy in the world walked through the door was "meant to be".  It sounds romantic.  When you're 39 and you feel like the world has chewed you up and spit you out for almost two weeks straight - not so romantic.  I could give you the details of the past two weeks of my life, but that would just send me to bed in tears, so I'll say this instead: read The Happiness Project!!!!

I have been amazed at how much this book has helped me in these past weeks.  One of her things - to sing in the morning - sounded cute to me.  Being a choir girl, you would guess that I would've jumped right on it.  Well, I hadn't.  Until today.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time.  I cried and cried and cried.  And this morning - I wanted to cry some more.  I was short tempered with the girls, but I was following another one of her mantras, "do what ought to be done".  As I was making Erica's lunch I started quietly singing "This little light of mine".  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I know more than the one verse, but I can sing that one verse over and over again and it always gives me a boost.  Today the boost didn't come from the song, though.  It came when Erica said from the other room, "Sing louder, mommy!"  As the tears welled up (again) I pushed through and sang louder.  I had finally sung enough and a few minutes later, I heard a little voice singing, "let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".  The tears subsided, the smile grew bigger.

And since I also love to take inspiration from movies (especially those that make you cry - the ones that Mike always asks, "why would you watch that?") I also want to add that "sometimes something bad has to happen so that something good can happen".  It's from the movie Life as a House with Kevin Kline.  I'm sure this isn't the first place this concept has been explored, but it's the most recent place I've heard it.  It definitely applies today.  Maybe opportunity can only knock if you're home.

For those of you who have been with me at these difficult moments, I want to thank you.  Thank you for being a support to me, for loving me (and for a few of you) for praying over me.  Keep those prayers comin'!  Laugh out loud.  Do what ought to be done.  And definitely - sing in the morning!