I Woke up to the Vastness!

It always amazes me how quickly our lives can change.  Obviously, we think about that when tragedy strikes.  But I'm just talking about the direction our lives take - positively or negatively - and how sometimes we don't even know that they've taken a turn.  I realized it today.

I'm in Evergreen at a fabulous B&B for a scrapbook retreat.  But I can't start there -I have to back up.  From April 21st until this past Tuesday, I've felt like my life was in a downward spiral.  One thing after another knocked me down.  Tuesday I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas in one hour and thirty-five minutes (and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse!).  On Wednesday, I remembered the power of the "poof".  On Thursday, I passed my driving test (whew!)  Thursday afternoon, I was having a conversation with someone (telling her all of the craziness that is currently my life) and she said, "You're doing pretty well.  Considering what you've been through, you're doing much better than I expected."  That stuck with me for the rest of the day.  I hadn't really thought about it, but she was right.  Six months ago, these events would make me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.  But I haven't even thought about doing that.  I've felt beat up and I've wondered where I'm headed, but I didn't want to hide.

Friday I packed my car with what I lovingly call my "heavy hobby".  Normally this task takes my breath away - literally.  It didn't.  I figured that I must have packed the boxes lighter than normal because I didn't even heave when I brought the big bags up the stairs.  I got to Evergreen and started to move and groove.  This is the tiring part of retreat, when I try to get everything into the house and set up as quickly as possible.  Again - no heaving.  Then I had the strangest thought: what if the boxes aren't lighter?  What if I'm just in better condition?  Wouldn't that rock?  The more I thought about it, the more I think I'm right.  This whole hiking thing is really paying off - I'm able to start a retreat without being completely exhausted.  Woo-Hoo!

(But I still hadn't noticed the change of direction.)

Luckily for me, God makes sure I understand one way or another.  This morning I woke up to.....the vastness!  I opened the shades in my room and there it was.  To most people it was nothing - absolutely nothing.  Just white.  To me, it was the "vastness".  I was immediately back at the Grand Canyon, in awe of the beauty before me.  No shades of gray - just white - with no visibility except for the trees immediately in front of me.  Again - to most people, this wouldn't be an overly significant moment, but it was for me.  You see, when I was at the Grand Canyon, I hit a turning point.  I was good and I knew that I was headed in the right direction and everything is going to be ok.  Then April 21st came and spun my life in a different direction.  Of course I noticed it, because it was on the cusp of being a tragedy (at least to me).  However, on Tuesday, when the weather was perfect and Katie was free to hike with me and we had enough time to make it to the top and my legs weren't killing me and I wasn't heaving and...and...and...

I didn't notice that my life had changed direction again.  I didn't notice until today - when I saw the vastness - then I knew.  When I came upstairs, I went out onto the balcony to take some pictures.  And as I stood in the quiet of the beauty surrounding me, I thanked God for helping me through the past few weeks and I thought, "I got this!"

"Poof" Please

Several years ago, I discovered the "power of the poof".  Before the book The Secret came out, my friend had it figured out.  If there was something that she or one of her friends really wanted to happen, she would say, "Let's put it out there."  And - poof - it would happen.  At least that's the way I remember it.  Ok, maybe it didn't happen with everything, but enough for me to notice.  Enough for me to ask, "Hey, when are you going to poof me?"  Then I read The Secret - devoured it, is more like it.  I love this premise.  I love that these philosophies date back to the Bible. 

If you haven't read it, the idea is that whatever you put out into the universe, you will get back.  If you put out positive things, positive things will happen in your life.  If you put out negative things, negative things will happen in your life.  You're supposed to say everything in the present tense.  "I own a house." vs. "I'm going to own a house."  Because "going to" is always in the elusive future and will never come to be.  I also found this very interesting: the universe doesn't hear "not" (cannot, am not or does not).  Therefore, saying "I am not in debt." doesn't really work.  All the universe hears is "I am in debt."  It's much better to say, "I am rich." or "I am financially stable."

I know that to some, this sounds crazy.  Just because you say something to the universe or pray to God doesn't mean you always get what you want.  And that's true - not always.  But I have seen it happen - in my own life - the positive way and the negative way.  For example, once I found out that I had to re-take the driving test, I kept thinking, "Wouldn't that be crazy if I failed?"  The answer to that question is no - it wouldn't be crazy.  It was devastating!!!!  And again, I'm sure naysayers are thinking, "Really?  Just because you had that thought, that's why you think you failed?"  Again, the answer is no.  I'm sure that's not the entire reason.  However, not once did I think, "No problem.  I'm gonna pass with flying colors."

On the positive side, I have noticed a considerable difference in hiking Mt. Sanitas when I start to run out of energy and I say, "I got this!  I'm good.  I'm going to make it to the top." vs. when I say, "I can't.  I'm so tired.  Half way up is good for today."  I even notice a difference when I'm vague.  When I focus on the bad in my life, life seems difficult.  When I focus on the good, I only feel blessed.  When I walk around saying, "I've turned a corner, I'm doing really well!"  I feel better than when I say, "I'm not great.  Life sort of sucks right now."

Now don't get me wrong - I'm certainly guilty of the latter (especially these past few weeks).  That's why this post came to me tonight.  I really have been "just surviving".  The first two weeks, I felt like every time I got up, something else knocked me down.  This last week, I just felt sorry for myself.  Well, tomorrow is my second driving test and I've spent the last few days telling everyone I see, "Pray for me on Thursday morning."  Tonight, I found myself thinking, I need to be poofed!  That's when I realized that I had been "poofed" - negatively - by ME!  Ugh!  I know better than that!  So - whether you call it praying, or the secret, or putting it out in the universe, or poofing - please be doing it in a positive way.  Don't sell yourself short and don't sabotage yourself with negative thoughts.

As for me, I'm off to bed to get a good night's sleep - because as of tomorrow morning, I'm a licensed driver again.  (...and my handy man's fixing the cabinet...and my new fridge is awesome...and Mike has a great job...and my retreat is super fun...)  And just in case you'd like to poof me in the morning - I thank you in advance!

Everything Happens for a Reason (right?)

That's what my grandmother used to say.  I grew up believing that and today is no different.  The only thing different is when you hear that when you're ten or 15, it sounds awesome.  It makes you think that being at that particular mall entrance when the cutest boy in the world walked through the door was "meant to be".  It sounds romantic.  When you're 39 and you feel like the world has chewed you up and spit you out for almost two weeks straight - not so romantic.  I could give you the details of the past two weeks of my life, but that would just send me to bed in tears, so I'll say this instead: read The Happiness Project!!!!

I have been amazed at how much this book has helped me in these past weeks.  One of her things - to sing in the morning - sounded cute to me.  Being a choir girl, you would guess that I would've jumped right on it.  Well, I hadn't.  Until today.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time.  I cried and cried and cried.  And this morning - I wanted to cry some more.  I was short tempered with the girls, but I was following another one of her mantras, "do what ought to be done".  As I was making Erica's lunch I started quietly singing "This little light of mine".  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I know more than the one verse, but I can sing that one verse over and over again and it always gives me a boost.  Today the boost didn't come from the song, though.  It came when Erica said from the other room, "Sing louder, mommy!"  As the tears welled up (again) I pushed through and sang louder.  I had finally sung enough and a few minutes later, I heard a little voice singing, "let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".  The tears subsided, the smile grew bigger.

And since I also love to take inspiration from movies (especially those that make you cry - the ones that Mike always asks, "why would you watch that?") I also want to add that "sometimes something bad has to happen so that something good can happen".  It's from the movie Life as a House with Kevin Kline.  I'm sure this isn't the first place this concept has been explored, but it's the most recent place I've heard it.  It definitely applies today.  Maybe opportunity can only knock if you're home.

For those of you who have been with me at these difficult moments, I want to thank you.  Thank you for being a support to me, for loving me (and for a few of you) for praying over me.  Keep those prayers comin'!  Laugh out loud.  Do what ought to be done.  And definitely - sing in the morning!

I Finally Found the Humor

"The power of laughter is an amazing thing!"  ---  I say this all the time and I truly believe it!  I'm most amazed when people are able to find their laughter in sad or difficult times.  I'm a firm believer that sometimes it's the only thing that gets us through these situations.  As you can guess, being a believer of this, I try to find the humor in most things.  Mostly I'm successful - on occasion, I'm not.  And sometimes, it's just delayed.

I was driving home on Easter Sunday after a long, worrisome, relieving, fun, tiring and happy weekend.  I stopped at a stoplight and instead of waiting for the light to turn green, I looked both ways and then drove through it.  I didn't do it on purpose.  Clearly the weekend had caught up to me and all I could think about was that I would be home in under five minutes.  The nice policeman behind me had a different idea.

I can't mock him - he was one of the nicest guys I've met in a while.  Of course he asked for my license, registration and insurance (I couldn't find my insurance card - great!).  Luckily for me, he was "fresh out of tickets" and was going to let me off with a warning.  He went back to his car and when he came back, he said to me, "I'm afraid we hit a little snag.  Your license has been revoked."  WHAT???  "I don't know why yet, but we're going to be here a while."

After calling in back up (because he now had to give me a ticket for driving with an invalid license), he left and I met nice cop number two.  After another long wait, he tells me that it's because of a ticket that I paid late --- in 2005!!!  Yes, it's true, my license was revoked SIX years ago and I had no idea!  He asked me to pull into the park and ride and call someone to come get me, because I'm not allowed to drive without a valid license.  And if I do, and I get caught, I'll get arrested.  Lovely!  I asked if there was any way he could just follow me home - because, again - I live FIVE minutes away.  He took a look at my girlies in the back seat and agreed - love him!

Monday morning I called the DMV and the good news is that I can go to reinstate my license as soon as I want.  The bad news is that it's not going to be cheap and I have to retake the test.  I'll be honest - this sort of freaked me out.  I mean, I haven't "reviewed" the driver's handbook since I was sixteen!  I found it online and spent the night studying.

Up to this point, I've had friends say, "That's such a great story, I want a great story."  "That's a lot of drama, but it's funny drama." and "Don't you feel good that you didn't have a meltdown?"  No, no and NO!  I kept my composure, but I just wanted to scream!  It's true that I didn't have a meltdown, but I wasn't feeling "good" about any of this.  Like I don't have enough to do - now I have to jump through hoops, pay more money and figure out how to get my kids from point A to point B?  "It's not a great story!  It's not funny!  I want someone else to fix it!!!"  (Have you noticed the lack of laughter?)

On to Tuesday.  My neighbor took me to the DMV this morning.  Time was ticking and I was getting more and more nervous about picking up Isabelle on time.  My number finally gets called.  (whew)  She takes my money and hands me the test.  I only got one wrong - woohoo!  Then she tells me the good news ..... I also have to re-take the driving test.  I have to make an appointment and the wait is 1 1/2 - 2 weeks out.  Here's the deal: if your license is invalid for more than a year, then you have to retake ALL parts of the test.

So I say to her, "So I can't drive until I take the driving test?"  And she says (in her "I've said this a million times" voice), "You do have a permit now, you can drive as long as there is a licensed driver 21 years of age or older in your vehicle.  It's like you're sixteen again."  And there it was - my inability to keep a straight face.  And just like that, I finally found the humor in this story.

I have to say, I'm glad I did.  I spent the rest of the day laughing every time I thought of it.  And today was a much more pleasant day than yesterday was.  So, if I may be preachy - try to find the funny side of your setbacks.  It's much more enjoyable than stewing about them.  And if you see me walking through the neighborhood between now and next Wednesday - it may not be just because I'm training for Grays Peak!

Motivation

I re-read my post from yesterday and couldn't help doing a follow-up.  I have to say more about "the weakest link".  One of the other things I pondered as Chrissy and I talked was why is it that all of the people that I've invited are more fit than I am?  I can't be THE most unfit person of all the people that I know.  And the answer can't just be that non-fit people don't want to climb 14ers.  I think there must be something in my psyche that finds these people motivating. 

I do know from other areas of my life that I am most likely to succeed when someone tells me that I won't.  I don't know if I just soooo like proving people wrong or if there's something awesome about doing "the impossible".  (I'm hoping it's the latter - the former just makes me sound like an awful person.)  I noticed it even in my self-speak on the hike on Wednesday.  There were a particular set of rock stairs that we were about to go up.  There were two or three landings on the way up.  Chrissy was hoping to go all the way up without stopping and I said to her, "Wait for a few, then come up.  I'll get a head start because I know I'm not going to make it all the way up."  To be perfectly honest, my thought was that I would stop at each landing.  Yet, that's not what I did.  I started climbing those steps and when I made it to the first landing, I just kept on climbing - and climbing.  I made it all the way to the third landing - where both of us stopped for a little break.

Ok, so someone telling me that I can't - be it myself or someone else - is a huge motivator for me.  The weird thing is that none of the friends that are going on this journey with me would ever say that to me.  They are all amazingly supportive women, who are not only my friends, but some of my biggest cheerleaders.  They will encourage me, root me on, praise my efforts and accomplishments and if necessary, they will go slow with me.  I am so blessed!!!!

So how does this all tie in together?  I have no idea.  These supportive friends don't exactly fit in with the "you can't do it" group.  Maybe it's just me - saying "I can't keep up with any of them." to myself - so I can prove myself wrong.  Ok.  But I'm still going to try to phrase it better!

Variations and Accomplishments

Ahhh - what a fabulous day!

After I got the girls off to school, Chrissy and I were off to our hike.  Emily couldn't meet us so early, so we were going to meet her up there.  She's so much speedier than we are, we figured she could catch up to us and we could all go back down together.  Today was interesting because we didn't push ourselves as hard.  We were actually able to carry on a conversation and we weren't heaving!  We also didn't stop as often or for as long as we had been.  My goal for today was positive thoughts and words.  I've realized that almost everyone that we've invited on this journey is more fit than I am.  I've been joking that "I'm the weakest link."  Although this is probably a true statement (least in shape, slowest, etc.) I think I should be verbalizing it differently.  Chrissy suggested "I'm NOT the weakest link" or "I WON'T BE the weakest link".  They're both good, but I'm looking for something else - I just can't figure out what.

The second thing I wanted to be more positive about was what I call a "can do" attitude.  I preach it all the time to my daughter, so it was surprising that I don't do it myself.  My problem is that I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.  Therefore when I see what seems to be a huge, steep group of rock stairs, I think, "You've GOT to be kidding me.  I can't do this.  This is crazy!  Who was the idiot that thought up this idea?"  Oh yeah - oops - that was me!  Last Saturday, I had several different times when my legs had had enough and I felt, thought and said out loud, "I don't think I can do this".  Today I was taking a different approach and although I haven't figured out the perfect words for "the weakest link", I did manage to take charge of my legs. 

There were only two times that they felt like I was hiking up quicksand, but this time instead of saying, "Holy Cow!"  I said, "I got this!  I got this!  I got this!"  Yes, I heard a little bit of George Lopez in my head.  Yes, I could hear Erica saying, "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" - like she does when she's trying to be brave.  And yes, maybe it wasn't too bad because we weren't pushing as hard.  But I gotta tell ya - it worked.  Instead of the "trudging" lasting minutes on end, it almost immediately went away.

Now in order to make good time on Grays in July, I am going to have to push myself a bit and improve my time some, but it was really nice today going a bit slower - a bit steadier.  We both enjoyed the view.  We both wondered which takes longer.  Is it true that slow and steady wins the race?  In general, I do believe that the journey is the reward.  But I also don't want to get caught in a rainstorm on Grays if we take to long.  So some days I will push and some I'll take it a bit slower.  Variety really is the spice of life!

By the way - we did meet up with Emily, but she was making such good time that she wanted to keep going and see if she could improve on her time it takes her to get to the top.  She did it!!!  Her record was 55 minutes and she got it down to 49!  Woo-Hoo!!!  You go girl!

As for the rest of my day, I'm certainly making progress.  First of all, I wasn't completely wiped out from the hike.  Yes, I'm sure if I had laid down I would've fallen asleep.  The good news is that I didn't lay down!  I kept moving.  I worked, I got some of the storage room reorganized, some of the basement cleaned up (with help) and some work done in my office.  There are so many days that I feel like I just want (or need) to crawl back in bed because I'm so tired or overwhelmed.  Then again, there are days like today.  Days when you don't lay down, you push through and at the end of the day, you can see your accomplishments and be proud of yourself for what you have done.  I need to hold onto this feeling - and tap into it when the desire to curl up in the cherry chair and do nothing!

And if you're lucky, you get to end your day with a little treat for yourself --- like watching old episodes of Happy Days, the latest Harry Potter flick and a hysterical bit on Who's Line is it Anyway with Richard Simmons.  Life is good, people.  Let's see what I can accomplish tomorrow.....

My Inspiration...

Well, I have stayed up way too late tonight and I'm going hiking in the morning, so I need my beauty sleep.  But I did promise myself that I would blog everyday, so ..... I've decided that on nights when I can barely keep my eyes open I will either post something I've written a while back or post a favorite quote.

Tonight's quote is:

Each of us can be sure that if God sends us on stony paths, He will provide us with strong shoes, and He will not send us out on any journey for which He does not equip us well.