Believe the best in people. It seems like a logical thing to do. Depending on who you're talking to, of course. I want to say that I've always done this and the truth is that I've done it long enough now, that I honestly don't remember not doing it. However, I know there was a person inside me before my quest for happiness began and I'm pretty sure she wasn't always so focused on the good.
So in my day to day life, I have ideas for blog posts all the time. Since I can't stop and write in those moments, I make myself a note...like "believing the best in people." I like that I do this because not only does it bring me back to an idea that I might have otherwise forgotten, but it also ties together recurring themes in my life. Things that come at me at different times, in different forums, from different sources. It's also nice since I'm sort of the word police and some word choices are better than others. For example: my latest term for "believing the best in people" is "focus on intent."
I say this to my older daughter a lot when my younger daughter is driving her crazy. "Do you really think your sister made a mess in your room just to annoy you? Or do you think that maybe she was playing with a bunch of toys, then got distracted by something else and didn't clean up?" Sure there are times when her answer is, "Just to annoy me!" But after a bit of a discussion (and maybe some questioning of the little sister) she comes around.
I say this to my friends when they're frustrated with their kids - "Do you think their intent is to make you angry by not doing their chores, or that they're just focused on what they want to do and chores are on the bottom of their list?" When they're frustrated with their husbands or boyfriends - "Do you think his intent was was to scare you by not calling you all day, hoping you'd toggle back and forth between anger and worry, or do you think he got busy at work?" When they're frustrated with their bosses and co-workers - "Do you think their intent was to make you feel incompetent or could it have been a new motivational technique they're trying?" And when they're frustrated with their friends - "Do you think her intent was really to convey that she thinks your issues are stupid or maybe she was so distracted with her surroundings that she didn't even fully hear you?"
I like asking these kinds of questions, because nine times out of ten the intent is not to hurt or upset or annoy. Of course, when you're hurt, hearing these questions don't really make you feel better. Most of the time, when you're sharing about hurt feelings, you really just want someone else to validate your feelings. And trust me - I'm all for that! However, if you just stop there, it's way too easy to slip into "I'm right, they're wrong" and that's a slippery slope. Plus if you're the one who has hurt someone else without intending to, wouldn't you like them to cut you some slack?
Now back to the exact wording - I have been "focusing on intent" more, but I realize that's not completely ideal. First of all, you can't truly know someone's intent. You're not in their head. Yes, you can ask them directly, but if you're too hurt (or they're embarrassed or have been hurt by you) you may or may not believe their answer. So I'm going back to my original intent - believe the best in people! You know your friends, your family, your spouse, your co-workers - are their actions or words that hurt you in line with the people you know them to be? I know what you're going to say and yes, sometimes this can come back to bite me, because sometimes we do have some not-so-nice people in our lives. Sometimes you can't think of anything thoughtful coming from a specific someone. But that's good to know too - because then you can start to deal with acceptance and how to deal with the unpleasant people that you can't change. (But that's a whole different post!)
But most of us have some pretty awesome people in our lives. And all of those people have bad days. All of us make poor choices sometimes. All of us have said or done something that we meant one way and someone took in a different way. So the problem with intent is that sometimes they did mean to say or do that - they just thought it would have a different effect. They didn't intend to hurt you, but they did intend it. My advice (as always) is to talk to them about it. I know that no one likes confrontation - especially when you've been hurt. We immediately think that it will cause a fight, or hurt their feelings, or what if you're wrong and they didn't mean it?
Well it may cause a fight. My opinion is that it's worth it. I realize that not everyone agrees with me. A lot (a LOT) of people I know would rather saw off their own arm before confronting someone, but letting that resentment fester is a bad, bad thing - trust me!!! And I think it's even worse if they didn't mean to hurt you, because if they think they were just being funny or it was no big deal, they might do it again - and again - and again. It's important to let people know what your boundaries are. You might hurt their feelings. Just check in and tell them what your intent is. And if you're wrong and they didn't mean it? Well now you both know the intent and the effect of those actions.
Here's what I know - I've said or done things that have hurt people and I have rarely, rarely meant to hurt anyone. I tend to think that I'm a pretty open person and that my personality and intentions are no secret to anyone. Therefore, if I've done something stupid, those close to me (and even some of those who aren't) should know that. And if I'm honest, I know that those same people wouldn't hurt me. So I choose to believe the best in people. It not only keeps our relationships strong. It not only blesses them by having us believe in their goodness, it blesses us by being positive and focusing on happiness.
Focus on happiness - see the good in people - choose joy!!!
