Coincedences, bad dreams & random thoughts

I'm at my suite retreat in the tech center today.  I came last night, but none of my roommates did.  So it's been a weird experience - being on retreat by myself.  My first freak out came when I realized that the plan was to have my sister bring me here and drop me off (which we did).  The problem is that I didn't think through that I don't have a car - duh.  Normally on a retreat, that's no big deal - I never leave the hotel.  Oops - my mom normally brings our food and she's not here.  Hello?  Dinner?  Party of one?  Well, one of my friends was supposed to come hang out with me, but that fell through.  No problem - I'll find some of the other consultants and crash their dinner plans. 

So that was the plan - but instead, I hooked up with two of my customers.  The only problem - I hardly know them.  One is a gal I know through my MOPS group - barely - and this is the first time I'm meeting the other.  Anyway, they were kind and helped me set up my room and then let me crash their dinner.  We went to Hacienda Colorado (where I had dinner from the night before - haha), but that's ok - love it!  Here's the fun part - I got to ride in a slug-bug!  My girls are going to be so jealous!!!  AND....come to find out that this new gal's daughter helped teach my girls at Bible school this summer.  Erica LOVED her.  So - what a coincedence!  (and I learned all about cotillions - my kids are gonna love this - well, Erica is)  Now, I'm glad that I'm here alone - otherwise, I would've never made these connections.  Hmmm.....so this "stepping out of your comfort zone" thing is good?

Bedtime - or at least it should've been.  But, NO, not me.  I still had to price my inventory and put the goody bags together.  I love me some procrastination!  So I was up until midnight and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  But I woke up this morning because I had a dream that there was a guy in my house.  I was the only one home and he just walked in saying he wanted to "see the house".  Then he almost punched me, but didn't.  He had a friend in the back yard and he just walked around the house while I was paralyzed with fear.  This isn't overly important (obviously) but it's a very startling way to wake up and it's already put me in a funk this morning.

So at this point, I'm sulking again that I'm here all alone - thinking about how it's a metaphor for my life - and what pops into my head is "I'm sittin' by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere".  It's a song that Andie McDowell sings in the movie Michael.  (btw - love that movie!!!)  I sang the song to myself and the line that stuck with me is "One of these days, I'm gonna find true love - and learn how to say no".  Well, of course that made me think of the reasons that she wrote that song in the movie, but it also took me on a trip down memory lane.  I thought of the guys I dated before I married Mike and the fact that most of them were idiots.  I think there was only one other guy that ever really meant anything to me.  And yet, I dated them all - never "saying no".

So, maybe this whole "being alone" thing isn't so bad.  Maybe it's where I need to be to be able to figure out what's important and what I want and what I need.  And maybe if everything always worked out (my roomies here every minute that I am, etc.) I would never have these quiet moments to question: how am I going to handle it when a question is posed to me again - love or otherwise?  Will I say yes, just because that's been the pattern of my life?  Or is there a chance - just a chance - that the reason I say yes is because it's what I want and not just because I'm afraid of saying no?