I Woke up to the Vastness!

It always amazes me how quickly our lives can change.  Obviously, we think about that when tragedy strikes.  But I'm just talking about the direction our lives take - positively or negatively - and how sometimes we don't even know that they've taken a turn.  I realized it today.

I'm in Evergreen at a fabulous B&B for a scrapbook retreat.  But I can't start there -I have to back up.  From April 21st until this past Tuesday, I've felt like my life was in a downward spiral.  One thing after another knocked me down.  Tuesday I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas in one hour and thirty-five minutes (and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse!).  On Wednesday, I remembered the power of the "poof".  On Thursday, I passed my driving test (whew!)  Thursday afternoon, I was having a conversation with someone (telling her all of the craziness that is currently my life) and she said, "You're doing pretty well.  Considering what you've been through, you're doing much better than I expected."  That stuck with me for the rest of the day.  I hadn't really thought about it, but she was right.  Six months ago, these events would make me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.  But I haven't even thought about doing that.  I've felt beat up and I've wondered where I'm headed, but I didn't want to hide.

Friday I packed my car with what I lovingly call my "heavy hobby".  Normally this task takes my breath away - literally.  It didn't.  I figured that I must have packed the boxes lighter than normal because I didn't even heave when I brought the big bags up the stairs.  I got to Evergreen and started to move and groove.  This is the tiring part of retreat, when I try to get everything into the house and set up as quickly as possible.  Again - no heaving.  Then I had the strangest thought: what if the boxes aren't lighter?  What if I'm just in better condition?  Wouldn't that rock?  The more I thought about it, the more I think I'm right.  This whole hiking thing is really paying off - I'm able to start a retreat without being completely exhausted.  Woo-Hoo!

(But I still hadn't noticed the change of direction.)

Luckily for me, God makes sure I understand one way or another.  This morning I woke up to.....the vastness!  I opened the shades in my room and there it was.  To most people it was nothing - absolutely nothing.  Just white.  To me, it was the "vastness".  I was immediately back at the Grand Canyon, in awe of the beauty before me.  No shades of gray - just white - with no visibility except for the trees immediately in front of me.  Again - to most people, this wouldn't be an overly significant moment, but it was for me.  You see, when I was at the Grand Canyon, I hit a turning point.  I was good and I knew that I was headed in the right direction and everything is going to be ok.  Then April 21st came and spun my life in a different direction.  Of course I noticed it, because it was on the cusp of being a tragedy (at least to me).  However, on Tuesday, when the weather was perfect and Katie was free to hike with me and we had enough time to make it to the top and my legs weren't killing me and I wasn't heaving and...and...and...

I didn't notice that my life had changed direction again.  I didn't notice until today - when I saw the vastness - then I knew.  When I came upstairs, I went out onto the balcony to take some pictures.  And as I stood in the quiet of the beauty surrounding me, I thanked God for helping me through the past few weeks and I thought, "I got this!"

"Poof" Please

Several years ago, I discovered the "power of the poof".  Before the book The Secret came out, my friend had it figured out.  If there was something that she or one of her friends really wanted to happen, she would say, "Let's put it out there."  And - poof - it would happen.  At least that's the way I remember it.  Ok, maybe it didn't happen with everything, but enough for me to notice.  Enough for me to ask, "Hey, when are you going to poof me?"  Then I read The Secret - devoured it, is more like it.  I love this premise.  I love that these philosophies date back to the Bible. 

If you haven't read it, the idea is that whatever you put out into the universe, you will get back.  If you put out positive things, positive things will happen in your life.  If you put out negative things, negative things will happen in your life.  You're supposed to say everything in the present tense.  "I own a house." vs. "I'm going to own a house."  Because "going to" is always in the elusive future and will never come to be.  I also found this very interesting: the universe doesn't hear "not" (cannot, am not or does not).  Therefore, saying "I am not in debt." doesn't really work.  All the universe hears is "I am in debt."  It's much better to say, "I am rich." or "I am financially stable."

I know that to some, this sounds crazy.  Just because you say something to the universe or pray to God doesn't mean you always get what you want.  And that's true - not always.  But I have seen it happen - in my own life - the positive way and the negative way.  For example, once I found out that I had to re-take the driving test, I kept thinking, "Wouldn't that be crazy if I failed?"  The answer to that question is no - it wouldn't be crazy.  It was devastating!!!!  And again, I'm sure naysayers are thinking, "Really?  Just because you had that thought, that's why you think you failed?"  Again, the answer is no.  I'm sure that's not the entire reason.  However, not once did I think, "No problem.  I'm gonna pass with flying colors."

On the positive side, I have noticed a considerable difference in hiking Mt. Sanitas when I start to run out of energy and I say, "I got this!  I'm good.  I'm going to make it to the top." vs. when I say, "I can't.  I'm so tired.  Half way up is good for today."  I even notice a difference when I'm vague.  When I focus on the bad in my life, life seems difficult.  When I focus on the good, I only feel blessed.  When I walk around saying, "I've turned a corner, I'm doing really well!"  I feel better than when I say, "I'm not great.  Life sort of sucks right now."

Now don't get me wrong - I'm certainly guilty of the latter (especially these past few weeks).  That's why this post came to me tonight.  I really have been "just surviving".  The first two weeks, I felt like every time I got up, something else knocked me down.  This last week, I just felt sorry for myself.  Well, tomorrow is my second driving test and I've spent the last few days telling everyone I see, "Pray for me on Thursday morning."  Tonight, I found myself thinking, I need to be poofed!  That's when I realized that I had been "poofed" - negatively - by ME!  Ugh!  I know better than that!  So - whether you call it praying, or the secret, or putting it out in the universe, or poofing - please be doing it in a positive way.  Don't sell yourself short and don't sabotage yourself with negative thoughts.

As for me, I'm off to bed to get a good night's sleep - because as of tomorrow morning, I'm a licensed driver again.  (...and my handy man's fixing the cabinet...and my new fridge is awesome...and Mike has a great job...and my retreat is super fun...)  And just in case you'd like to poof me in the morning - I thank you in advance!

Everything Happens for a Reason (right?)

That's what my grandmother used to say.  I grew up believing that and today is no different.  The only thing different is when you hear that when you're ten or 15, it sounds awesome.  It makes you think that being at that particular mall entrance when the cutest boy in the world walked through the door was "meant to be".  It sounds romantic.  When you're 39 and you feel like the world has chewed you up and spit you out for almost two weeks straight - not so romantic.  I could give you the details of the past two weeks of my life, but that would just send me to bed in tears, so I'll say this instead: read The Happiness Project!!!!

I have been amazed at how much this book has helped me in these past weeks.  One of her things - to sing in the morning - sounded cute to me.  Being a choir girl, you would guess that I would've jumped right on it.  Well, I hadn't.  Until today.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time.  I cried and cried and cried.  And this morning - I wanted to cry some more.  I was short tempered with the girls, but I was following another one of her mantras, "do what ought to be done".  As I was making Erica's lunch I started quietly singing "This little light of mine".  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I know more than the one verse, but I can sing that one verse over and over again and it always gives me a boost.  Today the boost didn't come from the song, though.  It came when Erica said from the other room, "Sing louder, mommy!"  As the tears welled up (again) I pushed through and sang louder.  I had finally sung enough and a few minutes later, I heard a little voice singing, "let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".  The tears subsided, the smile grew bigger.

And since I also love to take inspiration from movies (especially those that make you cry - the ones that Mike always asks, "why would you watch that?") I also want to add that "sometimes something bad has to happen so that something good can happen".  It's from the movie Life as a House with Kevin Kline.  I'm sure this isn't the first place this concept has been explored, but it's the most recent place I've heard it.  It definitely applies today.  Maybe opportunity can only knock if you're home.

For those of you who have been with me at these difficult moments, I want to thank you.  Thank you for being a support to me, for loving me (and for a few of you) for praying over me.  Keep those prayers comin'!  Laugh out loud.  Do what ought to be done.  And definitely - sing in the morning!