I'm in Evergreen at a fabulous B&B for a scrapbook retreat. But I can't start there -I have to back up. From April 21st until this past Tuesday, I've felt like my life was in a downward spiral. One thing after another knocked me down. Tuesday I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas in one hour and thirty-five minutes (and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse!). On Wednesday, I remembered the power of the "poof". On Thursday, I passed my driving test (whew!) Thursday afternoon, I was having a conversation with someone (telling her all of the craziness that is currently my life) and she said, "You're doing pretty well. Considering what you've been through, you're doing much better than I expected." That stuck with me for the rest of the day. I hadn't really thought about it, but she was right. Six months ago, these events would make me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head. But I haven't even thought about doing that. I've felt beat up and I've wondered where I'm headed, but I didn't want to hide.
Friday I packed my car with what I lovingly call my "heavy hobby". Normally this task takes my breath away - literally. It didn't. I figured that I must have packed the boxes lighter than normal because I didn't even heave when I brought the big bags up the stairs. I got to Evergreen and started to move and groove. This is the tiring part of retreat, when I try to get everything into the house and set up as quickly as possible. Again - no heaving. Then I had the strangest thought: what if the boxes aren't lighter? What if I'm just in better condition? Wouldn't that rock? The more I thought about it, the more I think I'm right. This whole hiking thing is really paying off - I'm able to start a retreat without being completely exhausted. Woo-Hoo!
(But I still hadn't noticed the change of direction.)
Luckily for me, God makes sure I understand one way or another. This morning I woke up to.....the vastness! I opened the shades in my room and there it was. To most people it was nothing - absolutely nothing. Just white. To me, it was the "vastness". I was immediately back at the Grand Canyon, in awe of the beauty before me. No shades of gray - just white - with no visibility except for the trees immediately in front of me. Again - to most people, this wouldn't be an overly significant moment, but it was for me. You see, when I was at the Grand Canyon, I hit a turning point. I was good and I knew that I was headed in the right direction and everything is going to be ok. Then April 21st came and spun my life in a different direction. Of course I noticed it, because it was on the cusp of being a tragedy (at least to me). However, on Tuesday, when the weather was perfect and Katie was free to hike with me and we had enough time to make it to the top and my legs weren't killing me and I wasn't heaving and...and...and...
I didn't notice that my life had changed direction again. I didn't notice until today - when I saw the vastness - then I knew. When I came upstairs, I went out onto the balcony to take some pictures. And as I stood in the quiet of the beauty surrounding me, I thanked God for helping me through the past few weeks and I thought, "I got this!"
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