Twenty nine years ago today my grandfather passed away. I was ten. His was the first funeral I attended. I don't have very many memories of him - just a few stand out. I used to spend weekends and summers with my grandparents. They lived in a two bedroom house in north Denver. My sisters used to sleep in twin beds in the second bedroom and I used to sleep in between my grandparents. He always complained that I kicked him all night long. My grandma would tell him he was crazy - I never kicked her. Not long after he passed away, I spent the night with my grandma. Because she was missing him, she slept on his side of the bed. The next morning she told me that I kicked her all night long.
It's no secret that I was totally spoiled by my grandparents. Every Sunday after church and breakfast we would go to Target. Most weekends my sisters and I would get something. They're older than I am, so they mostly got clothes. I still played with Barbies. There was one particular weekend that I was told I could have one thing. I just couldn't decide. There was a Barbie with super long hair and if you pushed her back, her arms moved. There was also an afghan dog (for Barbie) named Beauty. It seemed like hours that I stood in that isle trying to decide. I finally chose the Barbie (who ended up being one of my favorites of all time) and I swear on everything good in my life I was trying to be content. But I have to admit - I wasn't succeeding. I was so sad that I had to choose. We were standing in line and pretty soon, my "Pa" took off. He came back with that dog. Which I still own - along with the leash, the bowl, the bone and the newspaper it came with.
He used to call me "big girl".
Like I said, my memories aren't many - I was only ten when we lost him. But every August 26th for the last twenty nine years I've thought of him on this day. I called my grandma every year to tell her that I was thinking of him and of her and that I loved her. Since she passed away, I now think of both of my grandparents on this day. Him because I miss him and her because I miss telling her that I miss him.
In my grandma's last days, I was not only sad to be losing her, but selfishly, I was even more hurt because she wouldn't be at my wedding. One of my good friends told me that she and my Pa would be dancing at my wedding. That single thought made it bearable that she wasn't there - she so wanted to be. That thought is a bit bittersweet these days, but I have to admit - since then, that's always the way I think of them....together....dancing in Heaven.
Ok, ok - sometimes I think of them sitting at their kitchen table talking. Well, he's listening - she's talking. I didn't get my "let me tell you exactly what I think attitude" out of thin air, ya' know. However it's times like these - when I can tell you exactly what I inherited from my grandma that I really wish I had known my grandpa better. I LOVED being their little girl granddaughter! I loved being her adult granddaughter even more. I was friends with her. I got to know her. I learned from her. It's days like today when I wonder what I would've learned from him.
My memories of him are that he was a quiet man. I wonder what his opinions were, what his true beliefs were. In any given situation, I can tell you what my grandma would say. I wish I knew some of those answers of my grandpa. I do know that he loved her - a ton. I know that he loved my mom and my aunt and that he loved my sisters and I. I can only pray that he knew how much we loved him back.
I think he did.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Clarification
I had the opportunity last night to chat with some of my friends who read my blog. This is for you, ladies.
In my last post I mentioned that I hadn't accomplished much this month. It was pointed out to me last night that I couldn't be more wrong. I did climb a mountain after all - and that was huge!!! So let me clarify. When I said that, what I meant was.....I had five things I wanted to concentrate on this month within my happiness project - I only truly tackled one. It was a biggie and I'm proud of the fact that scheduling every minute of my day does seem to be helping me. However - one out of five isn't something I regularly brag about. The other four things that I did not accomplish will still be in the back of my mind, but I'm not going to focus on vitality for a third month.
This did make me think of my gratitude book (and how long it's been since I've written in it). No I haven't checked off everything for this month, but the month's not over! And....I should be focusing on the positive not the negative!!! AND.....Grays Peak was only 24 days ago - maybe I shouldn't put it out of my mind just yet. (Thanks T!) So, let's change course, shall we?
These are some of the things I've accomplished this month and things that I'm thankful for:
1 - I climbed Grays Peak! Pushing through my meltdown and knowing that "I got this" was the highlight of my day.
2 - I got some much needed me time - R&R rocks!
3 - I got to see some of the Brecken-yayas (my friends who scrapbook together for a week every year in Breckenridge).
4 - I got to see a friend's gorgeous quilt on display at the capital, along with many other amazing quilts.
5 - I met some new moms that I likes at Isabelle's kindergarten playdates before school started.
6 - I got to spend time with my family.
7 - I got to watch Erica's excitement as she started second grade.
8 - I got to watch Isabelle start kindergarten with a smile on her face (and a tear in my eye).
9 - Both of my girls love school - no tears, only smiles - yay me!
10 - I have a refrigerator that works!
11 - I got to spend a day scrapbooking (ok - mostly just talking) with three of my consultant friends.
12 - I signed both of my girls up for classes starting this fall before the deadline.
13 - I get some cool new decorations and cool new candles.
14 - I have a schedule that is helping me to get more things done in my day!
15 - I found two moms to lead Isabelle's girl scout troop, so I don't have to.
16 - A good friend had a very successful surgery.
17 - Bunco is starting again.
18 - I have a long overdue appointment and a girls night planned for Saturday night!
19 - I only have four days until I get to see my Elated Ladies.
20 - I am blessed with phenomenal friends!!!!
Whew!
I definitely have to do this more often. Time to dust off the gratitude book - I'm feeling great right now. I'm feeling so good that I want you to feel this way too. So here's my challenge to you: if you have a gratitude book, write in it. If you don't, get one. If you can't commit to an entire book, get out a piece of paper and write down what you're thankful for. Whether it's one thing or twenty - hold onto it. If you can keep that positive energy in focus, more will come your way....I promise!
In my last post I mentioned that I hadn't accomplished much this month. It was pointed out to me last night that I couldn't be more wrong. I did climb a mountain after all - and that was huge!!! So let me clarify. When I said that, what I meant was.....I had five things I wanted to concentrate on this month within my happiness project - I only truly tackled one. It was a biggie and I'm proud of the fact that scheduling every minute of my day does seem to be helping me. However - one out of five isn't something I regularly brag about. The other four things that I did not accomplish will still be in the back of my mind, but I'm not going to focus on vitality for a third month.
This did make me think of my gratitude book (and how long it's been since I've written in it). No I haven't checked off everything for this month, but the month's not over! And....I should be focusing on the positive not the negative!!! AND.....Grays Peak was only 24 days ago - maybe I shouldn't put it out of my mind just yet. (Thanks T!) So, let's change course, shall we?
These are some of the things I've accomplished this month and things that I'm thankful for:
1 - I climbed Grays Peak! Pushing through my meltdown and knowing that "I got this" was the highlight of my day.
2 - I got some much needed me time - R&R rocks!
3 - I got to see some of the Brecken-yayas (my friends who scrapbook together for a week every year in Breckenridge).
4 - I got to see a friend's gorgeous quilt on display at the capital, along with many other amazing quilts.
5 - I met some new moms that I likes at Isabelle's kindergarten playdates before school started.
6 - I got to spend time with my family.
7 - I got to watch Erica's excitement as she started second grade.
8 - I got to watch Isabelle start kindergarten with a smile on her face (and a tear in my eye).
9 - Both of my girls love school - no tears, only smiles - yay me!
10 - I have a refrigerator that works!
11 - I got to spend a day scrapbooking (ok - mostly just talking) with three of my consultant friends.
12 - I signed both of my girls up for classes starting this fall before the deadline.
13 - I get some cool new decorations and cool new candles.
14 - I have a schedule that is helping me to get more things done in my day!
15 - I found two moms to lead Isabelle's girl scout troop, so I don't have to.
16 - A good friend had a very successful surgery.
17 - Bunco is starting again.
18 - I have a long overdue appointment and a girls night planned for Saturday night!
19 - I only have four days until I get to see my Elated Ladies.
20 - I am blessed with phenomenal friends!!!!
Whew!
I definitely have to do this more often. Time to dust off the gratitude book - I'm feeling great right now. I'm feeling so good that I want you to feel this way too. So here's my challenge to you: if you have a gratitude book, write in it. If you don't, get one. If you can't commit to an entire book, get out a piece of paper and write down what you're thankful for. Whether it's one thing or twenty - hold onto it. If you can keep that positive energy in focus, more will come your way....I promise!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Carousel of Happiness
This is the second month of my Happiness Project and the second month of me working on vitality. When the option of doing the same topic for two months in a row was presented to me, initially I didn't like it. In general I like to follow the rules. Gretchen did one topic per month, so of course - that's how it should be done. However...I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to in the first month. A few of the other gals in my happiness group were repeating their first month, so I thought it was a good idea.
In general, I'm going back to my original opinion. I don't feel like I've accomplished that much this month, so I'm not going to repeat months again (until I've gone through them all - maybe some time in between will help). Having said all of that - one thing did work out in my favor. I really only worked on one aspect of my vitality this month (vs. the four or five I was going to work on): scheduling! If you know me, you know that's a big one for me and maybe it deserved it's own month. The good news is that it paid off. I have had some successful days and I definitely see the value in it. This is all the lead in to tell you the story that I want to talk about.
As part of my schedule, I'm trying to fit in fun time with my girls. Especially during the school year, it's easy for me to get bogged down in the "musts" and forget that they're still kids. I love spontaneity, so I always think that we'll do something fun on the fly - but that never works out. So now I've realized that I just have to fit it into my schedule. Last week was the first week of school and we ended the week with "Field Trip Friday"! (There will also be "Friday Fun Days" since we won't go somewhere every Friday.)
Our first field trip was to The Carousel of Happiness. I read about it on a kids site I found on Facebook - Great Ideas for Kids - Colorado. I didn't tell the girls about our field trip until the night before and I didn't tell them where we were going until we were half way there. As soon as I picked Erica up from school, we headed up to Nederland. I had never gone farther than the court house on Canyon, so I was in awe of what a beautiful drive it was. I saw many hikers and immediately started making mental notes as to where I'll be hiking next.
I'll be honest with you - if you're looking for an all day adventure, this is not the place for you. It is literally just a carousel. The cool part for me was seeing the hand carved animals and taking a trip back in time - it was originally built over a hundred years ago! The cool part for the kids was that it was a carousel. I have to admit, I was a little nervous that it wouldn't hold their attention for too long, but they were both thrilled. They rode it twice, then we went upstairs to watch from above and to play in the puppet theater. We came back down and they rode one more time - loving every minute of it.
We came home after that. It was a short trip, but it worked out since their dad was taking them golfing after he got off of work. They want to go back and they want to stop at the waterfalls we saw on the way. Erica loves school and she told me that since she got to go to school, have a field trip and golf - could this day get any better? And Isabelle told me this was the best surprise she ever had.
Now the pressure's on. I have to find something cool to do this week. Knowing that our warm days are going to be fading away soon, I want to do something outside. Maybe just the water fountains on Pearl Street (which they'll love!), but I have to admit, I really enjoyed doing something unique. Since I'm not a researcher, this will be a bit of a challenge - but I'm up to it. With smiles like these, how can I not be?
In general, I'm going back to my original opinion. I don't feel like I've accomplished that much this month, so I'm not going to repeat months again (until I've gone through them all - maybe some time in between will help). Having said all of that - one thing did work out in my favor. I really only worked on one aspect of my vitality this month (vs. the four or five I was going to work on): scheduling! If you know me, you know that's a big one for me and maybe it deserved it's own month. The good news is that it paid off. I have had some successful days and I definitely see the value in it. This is all the lead in to tell you the story that I want to talk about.
As part of my schedule, I'm trying to fit in fun time with my girls. Especially during the school year, it's easy for me to get bogged down in the "musts" and forget that they're still kids. I love spontaneity, so I always think that we'll do something fun on the fly - but that never works out. So now I've realized that I just have to fit it into my schedule. Last week was the first week of school and we ended the week with "Field Trip Friday"! (There will also be "Friday Fun Days" since we won't go somewhere every Friday.)
Our first field trip was to The Carousel of Happiness. I read about it on a kids site I found on Facebook - Great Ideas for Kids - Colorado. I didn't tell the girls about our field trip until the night before and I didn't tell them where we were going until we were half way there. As soon as I picked Erica up from school, we headed up to Nederland. I had never gone farther than the court house on Canyon, so I was in awe of what a beautiful drive it was. I saw many hikers and immediately started making mental notes as to where I'll be hiking next.
I'll be honest with you - if you're looking for an all day adventure, this is not the place for you. It is literally just a carousel. The cool part for me was seeing the hand carved animals and taking a trip back in time - it was originally built over a hundred years ago! The cool part for the kids was that it was a carousel. I have to admit, I was a little nervous that it wouldn't hold their attention for too long, but they were both thrilled. They rode it twice, then we went upstairs to watch from above and to play in the puppet theater. We came back down and they rode one more time - loving every minute of it.
We came home after that. It was a short trip, but it worked out since their dad was taking them golfing after he got off of work. They want to go back and they want to stop at the waterfalls we saw on the way. Erica loves school and she told me that since she got to go to school, have a field trip and golf - could this day get any better? And Isabelle told me this was the best surprise she ever had.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Oprah
I have to start by saying that I love tivo! I love being able to record the shows I like without needing a tape - whenever I want to. I love that I can watch those favorite shows over and over again without wearing out a tape and I love that I never have to watch a commercial. There is a downside. I'm always days or weeks behind the people who watch TV in real time. This is definitely one of those times.
I never really watched Oprah. Yes, I caught part of a show here and there over the last twenty five years. Of course I heard many stories about her different shows - the things that interested most of my friends. A friend's sister's "something borrowed" for her wedding was a pair of Oprah's earrings. I don't think I've ever met the sister, but I loved the story of Oprah's generosity and the fact that she loaned them out. How cool is that? I've never really watched, but there was something I've always liked about her.
I have a knack for discovering that I like shows after they've been on for years and are about to be cancelled. Naturally when I found out that Oprah was going off the air, I considered watching - but I never did. However, when OWN started, I tuned in - interested in knowing what it would be all about. The first show I fell in love with was "Ask Oprah's Allstars". It was only on for a month at the beginning of the year. It's premise was to help you get off to a great year. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Suze Orman giving advice on everything. I love Suze Orman!!! I'd only watched as much Dr. Phil as I had Oprah (but I like him) and I didn't know a thing about Dr. Oz. I now love them all - but even more, I love them together. They linked their specialties to each other and the advice they gave was priceless. I loved it so much that after watching, I didn't delete them. I saved them so I could take notes later.
The second show I fell in love with was "Oprah's Masters Class". This show took different celebrities and had them give their story, their take on life. Oprah's tag line for the show was something like, "They're masters of their lives". People like Diane Sawyer, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Simon Cowell and Jay-Z. Such a variety. Every episode had so much depth. I have pages of notes from this series as well. I'm already looking forward to season two.
I stumbled onto a few of the "Behind the Scenes of Season 25" and was very intrigued with the way it all worked, but again, only watched bits here and there. I did manage to tivo the very last episode of Oprah. And although it was on who knows how long ago, I just watched it last night. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me sad that I missed even one of her shows, let alone twenty five years worth, but mostly it inspired me. I can't tell you everything that touched me (I just watched it yesterday, I haven't had a chance to re-watch to take notes yet), but I loved the way she challenged her viewers to find themselves. To follow their passion. To find their audience - no matter how big or small. Maybe that's why it touched me so much. I've been on that mission for a few years now, but it's only been recently that I've been able to articulate it. It's only been because of the difficulty that I've experienced recently that I've even gone looking for myself - understanding that I was lost in the first place.
Realizing that I wanted to reach out through my writing just felt like a "want", but it may be that I'm just trying to find my audience. It gave me chills to think of how many lives Oprah has touched. And although I have no delusion that I could go that far, I am inspired to touch lives. I've said it before - if I can help someone - make them feel better, help them to reach an a-ha moment, inspire or encourage them or even just bring a smile to their face, then I'm happy.
I know that those of you who know me think I just like the praise (and I do), but when it comes to my writing, its not the praise that touches my heart. It's the fact that something I said helped someone else. And I am so thankful to be able to know the difference.
I don't know that Oprah is ever going to read my blog, but on the off chance that it happens...
I would like to thank you Oprah! I missed the last twenty five years, but I will have my eyes open for the next twenty five. I'll be watching OWN, hoping to stumble onto more of that inspiration that you've given me just this year alone. Thank you for being able to see the talent that can touch people's lives and thank you for your wisdom, encouragement, compassion and inspiration. You have a new fan - because now, you've touched my life. Thank you!
I never really watched Oprah. Yes, I caught part of a show here and there over the last twenty five years. Of course I heard many stories about her different shows - the things that interested most of my friends. A friend's sister's "something borrowed" for her wedding was a pair of Oprah's earrings. I don't think I've ever met the sister, but I loved the story of Oprah's generosity and the fact that she loaned them out. How cool is that? I've never really watched, but there was something I've always liked about her.
I have a knack for discovering that I like shows after they've been on for years and are about to be cancelled. Naturally when I found out that Oprah was going off the air, I considered watching - but I never did. However, when OWN started, I tuned in - interested in knowing what it would be all about. The first show I fell in love with was "Ask Oprah's Allstars". It was only on for a month at the beginning of the year. It's premise was to help you get off to a great year. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Suze Orman giving advice on everything. I love Suze Orman!!! I'd only watched as much Dr. Phil as I had Oprah (but I like him) and I didn't know a thing about Dr. Oz. I now love them all - but even more, I love them together. They linked their specialties to each other and the advice they gave was priceless. I loved it so much that after watching, I didn't delete them. I saved them so I could take notes later.
The second show I fell in love with was "Oprah's Masters Class". This show took different celebrities and had them give their story, their take on life. Oprah's tag line for the show was something like, "They're masters of their lives". People like Diane Sawyer, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Simon Cowell and Jay-Z. Such a variety. Every episode had so much depth. I have pages of notes from this series as well. I'm already looking forward to season two.
I stumbled onto a few of the "Behind the Scenes of Season 25" and was very intrigued with the way it all worked, but again, only watched bits here and there. I did manage to tivo the very last episode of Oprah. And although it was on who knows how long ago, I just watched it last night. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me sad that I missed even one of her shows, let alone twenty five years worth, but mostly it inspired me. I can't tell you everything that touched me (I just watched it yesterday, I haven't had a chance to re-watch to take notes yet), but I loved the way she challenged her viewers to find themselves. To follow their passion. To find their audience - no matter how big or small. Maybe that's why it touched me so much. I've been on that mission for a few years now, but it's only been recently that I've been able to articulate it. It's only been because of the difficulty that I've experienced recently that I've even gone looking for myself - understanding that I was lost in the first place.
Realizing that I wanted to reach out through my writing just felt like a "want", but it may be that I'm just trying to find my audience. It gave me chills to think of how many lives Oprah has touched. And although I have no delusion that I could go that far, I am inspired to touch lives. I've said it before - if I can help someone - make them feel better, help them to reach an a-ha moment, inspire or encourage them or even just bring a smile to their face, then I'm happy.
I know that those of you who know me think I just like the praise (and I do), but when it comes to my writing, its not the praise that touches my heart. It's the fact that something I said helped someone else. And I am so thankful to be able to know the difference.
I don't know that Oprah is ever going to read my blog, but on the off chance that it happens...
I would like to thank you Oprah! I missed the last twenty five years, but I will have my eyes open for the next twenty five. I'll be watching OWN, hoping to stumble onto more of that inspiration that you've given me just this year alone. Thank you for being able to see the talent that can touch people's lives and thank you for your wisdom, encouragement, compassion and inspiration. You have a new fan - because now, you've touched my life. Thank you!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
For Michele....
Friendship is one of my favorite blessings in this life! Each one is unique. Each one has a different purpose. Each one has drawbacks and perks. I'm sure at this point you've all seen that poem about how some friends are only in your life for a season, a reason or for life. I am thankful for all of the wonderful friendships I've had throughout my life. This week I've been thinking about friendships a lot. Oddly enough, some of the thoughts have been a bit rough. Friendships going through bumps along the way - or presumed bumps. But I am thankful that with a good friend, when you hit a bump, you can bounce right back. My two favorite "friends" moments of the week were these:
I started the week taking a "field trip" to the capital to see a friend's quilt on display. There were six of us who have been friends for over ten years. We only manage to get together a couple of times a year, yet I found myself in awe of how close we are. In the short time we spend together, we share all of our greatest triumphs and all of our most painful moments. As we sat around our dinner table and shared our latest news, my love for each of them was renewed (once again) and I was overwhelmed with the blessing of them. How can it be that even though we don't see each other often - don't even talk often, I feel so close to them? I guess that's what true friends are. You don't need an explanation of how the friendship works - it just does.
The second moment was at my daughter's school today. I'm as excited as she is! Of course, I'm excited because now I can see some of my newer friends more regularly again. I was in my glory - connecting with other moms when I spotted Michele in the hallway. I made my way over to her and after a brief chat about which kids are in which class, she chided me about not responding to an email (which I certainly deserved because I'm horrible at it). Then she praised me about my last blog post (which I loved, because I am - after all - me). Here's the thing - of course, if you know me at all, you know I love the praise, but that wasn't it. It was the sincerity with which the praise was given. She told me how much she enjoys my blog and how much she misses is when I don't post regularly. I don't think words (not even these words, meant especially for her) can express how much it touches me to know that someone out there truly wants to read what I have to say. I can only hope that in some way I've done for her what she does for me when she encourages me like that. Or that I can someday.
I could probably write forever about how important my friends are to me, but why use it all up on one post? I'm sure there will be more to come - I'll get back to daily posts (with a little help from my friends). So here you go, Michele. You didn't just get one paragraph, you got four! Thank you for encouraging me! Thank you for touching my heart! And thanks for making me trash! (inside joke)
I started the week taking a "field trip" to the capital to see a friend's quilt on display. There were six of us who have been friends for over ten years. We only manage to get together a couple of times a year, yet I found myself in awe of how close we are. In the short time we spend together, we share all of our greatest triumphs and all of our most painful moments. As we sat around our dinner table and shared our latest news, my love for each of them was renewed (once again) and I was overwhelmed with the blessing of them. How can it be that even though we don't see each other often - don't even talk often, I feel so close to them? I guess that's what true friends are. You don't need an explanation of how the friendship works - it just does.
The second moment was at my daughter's school today. I'm as excited as she is! Of course, I'm excited because now I can see some of my newer friends more regularly again. I was in my glory - connecting with other moms when I spotted Michele in the hallway. I made my way over to her and after a brief chat about which kids are in which class, she chided me about not responding to an email (which I certainly deserved because I'm horrible at it). Then she praised me about my last blog post (which I loved, because I am - after all - me). Here's the thing - of course, if you know me at all, you know I love the praise, but that wasn't it. It was the sincerity with which the praise was given. She told me how much she enjoys my blog and how much she misses is when I don't post regularly. I don't think words (not even these words, meant especially for her) can express how much it touches me to know that someone out there truly wants to read what I have to say. I can only hope that in some way I've done for her what she does for me when she encourages me like that. Or that I can someday.
I could probably write forever about how important my friends are to me, but why use it all up on one post? I'm sure there will be more to come - I'll get back to daily posts (with a little help from my friends). So here you go, Michele. You didn't just get one paragraph, you got four! Thank you for encouraging me! Thank you for touching my heart! And thanks for making me trash! (inside joke)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Grays Peak!
WOW!!!
To give my full experience of climbing Grays Peak, I have to start a couple of weeks ago. Chrissy had the brilliant idea to go up to Grays Peak and do a "practice run" (or practice hike, if you'd like to be more specific). She picked me up at 7:00 on a Friday morning and we were at the bottom of the mountain by 9:00. We hiked up for three hours and down for two. With breaks for eating and catching our breath the whole experience took us five and a half hours. We spent most of our time trying to figure out which of the amazing mountains surrounding us were Grays and Torreys, how similar - and different - it was from what others had told us about the hike and basking in God's glory.
Living in Colorado, I was expecting the majesty of the mountains. What I hadn't even thought of were all of the beautiful wildflowers - the meadows within the mountains. The contrast was breathtaking!
We talked about the different colors, the different shades of purple, the fact that sometimes they seemed to grow straight out of a rock. We talked of His brilliance and how blessed we are.
Of course, we also talked about silly and trivial things as well. And everything in between. After a long silence, we talked about how nice it was to be able to enjoy each others company without words.
The time between this "trial run" and yesterday was filled with making plans, coordinating with my other friends (there were eight of us all together), getting excited and feeling nervous. I stayed in Georgetown Sunday night with Stephanie, Polli and Polli's friend Danette. Emily, Tina, Chrissy and Carole were meeting us in the morning. I was asleep by 8:00pm and got a good nights sleep. We all met up in the parking lot of our hotel at 4:00am. After the extraordinarily bumpy ride to the base and taking group pictures (none of which I currently have since they were on someone else's camera) we started our hike at 5:09am.
The beginning of a hike is always a bit rough for me. I always think I have more energy than I really do and today it was worse with all of my excitement and seven other women to keep up with. Of course, I knew that I couldn't begin to keep up with them, but the excitement was still overwhelming. I was already out of breath and in need of a break. We spent the first couple of hours in three groups, the first two groups stopping often waiting for us to catch up. I have to admit, even though I knew it would happen, I felt a bit guilty for holding them up. Chrissy's a pleaser, so she was practically twitching. I made one final apology and told them all that they should not feel bad about going on without us. They were thankful that I was done apologizing and I was thankful when they went on ahead.
Chrissy and I made it to the place we had stopped at the last time in under three hours and were very hopeful and proud of ourselves. I'm sure this is too much information; but for those of you who have heard my Royal Gorge story, you'll be very glad to hear that I managed to pee outside without peeing all over myself. That in and of itself made this a successful day - ha...ha! We continued to hike for a while longer when something happened that I hadn't quite anticipated. I was exhausted, my legs felt like sludge and for the first time - the very first time - since this plan was formed - I didn't think I could make it. I fought back the tears as this realization hit me and the argument in my head began.
I tried to think of the person that I know I am. "If I can only push through, I know I can make it!" But my brain was losing the argument. My body was winning. My brain was asking a million questions. "How can I let my friends down?" "How can I make Chrissy finish the hike by herself?" "How am I going to explain to Emily (who had the other walkie-talkie) that I was done?" "How long would the group on the top be waiting to take our 'group photo' before Emily could get to them to tell them I wasn't coming?" "How am I going to tell all of my other friends that I gave up?" "How am I going to face myself in the morning?" My body kept giving the same answer: "I just can't do it. Too exhausted!" My brain knew that wasn't a good answer, but my body was still winning.
When I couldn't stand it anymore I finally spoke (almost whispered) the evil words that bring tears to my eyes even today, "Chris, I don't think I can do this." She gave me the quick, "Yes you can." As I think of it today I feel so blessed to have had her by my side during this particular breakdown. We stopped for a few minutes as I let the tears slip out. The silence grew as we both looked out on the beauty that God laid before us. She finally said, "You are one of the strongest women I know." I know that wasn't a ploy to get me moving. I know that she really believes that of me. It touched on my mantra "I can do anything I put my mind to". The argument in my head began again. She finally turned to look at me and (possibly for the first time in our friendship), I couldn't stand to have her watch me cry. I nodded and quietly said, "yeah, let's go." And with that, my brain won the argument.
We hiked a while longer and enjoyed the different views the higher up we got. We had heard it was about an eight hour hike and it was important to be off of the mountain by noonish - before the afternoon storms hit. We had already pushed our time back by leaving at 5:00, hoping to be off the mountain by 1:00. I had even decided that 2:00 would be ok. However, later than that was worrying me. I figured since we'll go faster down than up, that five hours up and four hours down gets us back by 2:00 (the latest we should be down, in my mind). It was almost 10:00. We'd been hiking for five hours and we weren't close to the top yet - well, not close enough. Chrissy thought we were still an hour away, I thought it was more like two. I asked her what we should do. Again, she gave me a quick answer, "We can make it."
At this point (since I had passed my meltdown), I believed that she was right, we could make it! My question was, should we? Even if she was right and we were only an hour from the top, that would be six hours up, five down - that puts us off the mountain at 4:00! I wasn't afraid of rain ('cause I was prepared), but I had heard too many people caution us against being on an open mountain with a possibility of lightening. I told her to think about it and said a small prayer for God to guide me to make the right decision.
At 10:15, when we paused for a break, I told her that I was going to head back down. I called Emily on the walkie-talkies and she tried to encourage me not to give up, but I explained that it was for the time, not motivation. She had just reached the top and they had planned on heading over to Torreys, but since I was going down they decided to come down too. To be honest, I felt bad that they couldn't do the second peak and that Chrissy couldn't get to the top because of a decision that I was making. I also felt completely confident in that decision and that helped. Chrissy hiked up a little ways more while I rested a bit, then we headed down together.
I spent the first bit down apologizing profusely for her not getting to the top. She told me not to worry about it, but I know she was disappointed. She is better at pushing herself than I am and I'm sure that if she had been hiking with Carole, she probably would have made it. I did (and still do) feel bad that since she stayed behind with me she didn't get to the top, but I also feel confident in my decision for myself - and that helped me get through that. The rest of the hike down was very pleasant and we continued to be in awe of our surroundings. We were also super proud of how far we did get!
Emily passed us on the way down and Carole eventually caught up with us. I went on ahead to let the sisters have some time together and that ended up being a treat for me as well. Normally I don't like to hike alone (so much so that I hardly ever do it). However, it was nice to end the hike alone with my thoughts.
I thought about what a great group of women I was surrounded by. Tina, Stephanie and Chrissy are three of my very best friends. I would do anything for them and they are each a blessing in my life! Carole and I aren't close anymore, but we were great friends once and I treasure that time together. Emily and I have only been friends for a couple of years, but our shared birthday and now our shared love for hiking has brought us closer and I'm thankful for her. Polli and I are just getting to know each other. I wish I had a tape of her laugh, so I could hear it every day. I just met Danette (but I couldn't leave her out). She was very kind and I want to be able to hike as fast as she does someday.
I thought about my friends, Katie and Holly who hiked with me in preparation of today. (Thanks!) I thought of the many other friends who have encouraged me along this journey; their phone calls, emails and Facebook posts wishing me well. I thought about my new found love of hiking. This is probably the best part of the whole experience (physically). Just because Grays Peak was today, it doesn't mean that I'm done. I'll be headed back to Chautauqua later this week and I'm already looking forward to it.
As one thought melded into the next, I felt a peace fall over me. If you had asked me a week ago (or even a day ago) how I would feel if I didn't make it to the top, I would've said, "miserable" or "devastated" or "disappointed" at the very least. As I finished out my hike, I felt none of those - only contentment. No, I didn't make it to the top, but I still did an eight and a half hour hike. I still had a great day with people I love. I still got to experience perhaps one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Yes, I had a melt down, but I overcame it. Yes, I had a difficult decision to make, but I was sure of myself in that decision. No, I didn't reach my goal, but maybe I attained something else. Maybe this is what God needs me to hear.
I've always been a "the journey's the reward" type of girl. But I've always achieved the goal as well. It's easy to say the journey's the reward when you've done both. I think this is the first time I didn't achieve the goal (a blessing within itself). I'm always looking for more in life (as we all are at some point). The perfect partner, better parenting skills, more knowledge, better efficiency to gain more time to do the things I like. I could go on and on. And I'm not saying that I won't still try to attain these things. But sometimes, maybe we need to take a break to realize that what we have - or what we've accomplished - is enough for now. I may not be perfect, or even close to it. I may indeed have a lot to work on to become the person I want to be. But for today, I'm enough.
That's what made it so easy to answer Emily when she asked me, "So, when are we going to do it again?"
"Next year."
And so the next journey begins....
To give my full experience of climbing Grays Peak, I have to start a couple of weeks ago. Chrissy had the brilliant idea to go up to Grays Peak and do a "practice run" (or practice hike, if you'd like to be more specific). She picked me up at 7:00 on a Friday morning and we were at the bottom of the mountain by 9:00. We hiked up for three hours and down for two. With breaks for eating and catching our breath the whole experience took us five and a half hours. We spent most of our time trying to figure out which of the amazing mountains surrounding us were Grays and Torreys, how similar - and different - it was from what others had told us about the hike and basking in God's glory.
Living in Colorado, I was expecting the majesty of the mountains. What I hadn't even thought of were all of the beautiful wildflowers - the meadows within the mountains. The contrast was breathtaking!
We talked about the different colors, the different shades of purple, the fact that sometimes they seemed to grow straight out of a rock. We talked of His brilliance and how blessed we are.
Of course, we also talked about silly and trivial things as well. And everything in between. After a long silence, we talked about how nice it was to be able to enjoy each others company without words.
The time between this "trial run" and yesterday was filled with making plans, coordinating with my other friends (there were eight of us all together), getting excited and feeling nervous. I stayed in Georgetown Sunday night with Stephanie, Polli and Polli's friend Danette. Emily, Tina, Chrissy and Carole were meeting us in the morning. I was asleep by 8:00pm and got a good nights sleep. We all met up in the parking lot of our hotel at 4:00am. After the extraordinarily bumpy ride to the base and taking group pictures (none of which I currently have since they were on someone else's camera) we started our hike at 5:09am.
The beginning of a hike is always a bit rough for me. I always think I have more energy than I really do and today it was worse with all of my excitement and seven other women to keep up with. Of course, I knew that I couldn't begin to keep up with them, but the excitement was still overwhelming. I was already out of breath and in need of a break. We spent the first couple of hours in three groups, the first two groups stopping often waiting for us to catch up. I have to admit, even though I knew it would happen, I felt a bit guilty for holding them up. Chrissy's a pleaser, so she was practically twitching. I made one final apology and told them all that they should not feel bad about going on without us. They were thankful that I was done apologizing and I was thankful when they went on ahead.
Chrissy and I made it to the place we had stopped at the last time in under three hours and were very hopeful and proud of ourselves. I'm sure this is too much information; but for those of you who have heard my Royal Gorge story, you'll be very glad to hear that I managed to pee outside without peeing all over myself. That in and of itself made this a successful day - ha...ha! We continued to hike for a while longer when something happened that I hadn't quite anticipated. I was exhausted, my legs felt like sludge and for the first time - the very first time - since this plan was formed - I didn't think I could make it. I fought back the tears as this realization hit me and the argument in my head began.
I tried to think of the person that I know I am. "If I can only push through, I know I can make it!" But my brain was losing the argument. My body was winning. My brain was asking a million questions. "How can I let my friends down?" "How can I make Chrissy finish the hike by herself?" "How am I going to explain to Emily (who had the other walkie-talkie) that I was done?" "How long would the group on the top be waiting to take our 'group photo' before Emily could get to them to tell them I wasn't coming?" "How am I going to tell all of my other friends that I gave up?" "How am I going to face myself in the morning?" My body kept giving the same answer: "I just can't do it. Too exhausted!" My brain knew that wasn't a good answer, but my body was still winning.
When I couldn't stand it anymore I finally spoke (almost whispered) the evil words that bring tears to my eyes even today, "Chris, I don't think I can do this." She gave me the quick, "Yes you can." As I think of it today I feel so blessed to have had her by my side during this particular breakdown. We stopped for a few minutes as I let the tears slip out. The silence grew as we both looked out on the beauty that God laid before us. She finally said, "You are one of the strongest women I know." I know that wasn't a ploy to get me moving. I know that she really believes that of me. It touched on my mantra "I can do anything I put my mind to". The argument in my head began again. She finally turned to look at me and (possibly for the first time in our friendship), I couldn't stand to have her watch me cry. I nodded and quietly said, "yeah, let's go." And with that, my brain won the argument.
We hiked a while longer and enjoyed the different views the higher up we got. We had heard it was about an eight hour hike and it was important to be off of the mountain by noonish - before the afternoon storms hit. We had already pushed our time back by leaving at 5:00, hoping to be off the mountain by 1:00. I had even decided that 2:00 would be ok. However, later than that was worrying me. I figured since we'll go faster down than up, that five hours up and four hours down gets us back by 2:00 (the latest we should be down, in my mind). It was almost 10:00. We'd been hiking for five hours and we weren't close to the top yet - well, not close enough. Chrissy thought we were still an hour away, I thought it was more like two. I asked her what we should do. Again, she gave me a quick answer, "We can make it."
At this point (since I had passed my meltdown), I believed that she was right, we could make it! My question was, should we? Even if she was right and we were only an hour from the top, that would be six hours up, five down - that puts us off the mountain at 4:00! I wasn't afraid of rain ('cause I was prepared), but I had heard too many people caution us against being on an open mountain with a possibility of lightening. I told her to think about it and said a small prayer for God to guide me to make the right decision.
At 10:15, when we paused for a break, I told her that I was going to head back down. I called Emily on the walkie-talkies and she tried to encourage me not to give up, but I explained that it was for the time, not motivation. She had just reached the top and they had planned on heading over to Torreys, but since I was going down they decided to come down too. To be honest, I felt bad that they couldn't do the second peak and that Chrissy couldn't get to the top because of a decision that I was making. I also felt completely confident in that decision and that helped. Chrissy hiked up a little ways more while I rested a bit, then we headed down together.
I spent the first bit down apologizing profusely for her not getting to the top. She told me not to worry about it, but I know she was disappointed. She is better at pushing herself than I am and I'm sure that if she had been hiking with Carole, she probably would have made it. I did (and still do) feel bad that since she stayed behind with me she didn't get to the top, but I also feel confident in my decision for myself - and that helped me get through that. The rest of the hike down was very pleasant and we continued to be in awe of our surroundings. We were also super proud of how far we did get!
Emily passed us on the way down and Carole eventually caught up with us. I went on ahead to let the sisters have some time together and that ended up being a treat for me as well. Normally I don't like to hike alone (so much so that I hardly ever do it). However, it was nice to end the hike alone with my thoughts.
I thought about what a great group of women I was surrounded by. Tina, Stephanie and Chrissy are three of my very best friends. I would do anything for them and they are each a blessing in my life! Carole and I aren't close anymore, but we were great friends once and I treasure that time together. Emily and I have only been friends for a couple of years, but our shared birthday and now our shared love for hiking has brought us closer and I'm thankful for her. Polli and I are just getting to know each other. I wish I had a tape of her laugh, so I could hear it every day. I just met Danette (but I couldn't leave her out). She was very kind and I want to be able to hike as fast as she does someday.
I thought about my friends, Katie and Holly who hiked with me in preparation of today. (Thanks!) I thought of the many other friends who have encouraged me along this journey; their phone calls, emails and Facebook posts wishing me well. I thought about my new found love of hiking. This is probably the best part of the whole experience (physically). Just because Grays Peak was today, it doesn't mean that I'm done. I'll be headed back to Chautauqua later this week and I'm already looking forward to it.
As one thought melded into the next, I felt a peace fall over me. If you had asked me a week ago (or even a day ago) how I would feel if I didn't make it to the top, I would've said, "miserable" or "devastated" or "disappointed" at the very least. As I finished out my hike, I felt none of those - only contentment. No, I didn't make it to the top, but I still did an eight and a half hour hike. I still had a great day with people I love. I still got to experience perhaps one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Yes, I had a melt down, but I overcame it. Yes, I had a difficult decision to make, but I was sure of myself in that decision. No, I didn't reach my goal, but maybe I attained something else. Maybe this is what God needs me to hear.
I've always been a "the journey's the reward" type of girl. But I've always achieved the goal as well. It's easy to say the journey's the reward when you've done both. I think this is the first time I didn't achieve the goal (a blessing within itself). I'm always looking for more in life (as we all are at some point). The perfect partner, better parenting skills, more knowledge, better efficiency to gain more time to do the things I like. I could go on and on. And I'm not saying that I won't still try to attain these things. But sometimes, maybe we need to take a break to realize that what we have - or what we've accomplished - is enough for now. I may not be perfect, or even close to it. I may indeed have a lot to work on to become the person I want to be. But for today, I'm enough.
That's what made it so easy to answer Emily when she asked me, "So, when are we going to do it again?"
"Next year."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)