To give my full experience of climbing Grays Peak, I have to start a couple of weeks ago. Chrissy had the brilliant idea to go up to Grays Peak and do a "practice run" (or practice hike, if you'd like to be more specific). She picked me up at 7:00 on a Friday morning and we were at the bottom of the mountain by 9:00. We hiked up for three hours and down for two. With breaks for eating and catching our breath the whole experience took us five and a half hours. We spent most of our time trying to figure out which of the amazing mountains surrounding us were Grays and Torreys, how similar - and different - it was from what others had told us about the hike and basking in God's glory.
Living in Colorado, I was expecting the majesty of the mountains. What I hadn't even thought of were all of the beautiful wildflowers - the meadows within the mountains. The contrast was breathtaking!
We talked about the different colors, the different shades of purple, the fact that sometimes they seemed to grow straight out of a rock. We talked of His brilliance and how blessed we are.
Of course, we also talked about silly and trivial things as well. And everything in between. After a long silence, we talked about how nice it was to be able to enjoy each others company without words.
The time between this "trial run" and yesterday was filled with making plans, coordinating with my other friends (there were eight of us all together), getting excited and feeling nervous. I stayed in Georgetown Sunday night with Stephanie, Polli and Polli's friend Danette. Emily, Tina, Chrissy and Carole were meeting us in the morning. I was asleep by 8:00pm and got a good nights sleep. We all met up in the parking lot of our hotel at 4:00am. After the extraordinarily bumpy ride to the base and taking group pictures (none of which I currently have since they were on someone else's camera) we started our hike at 5:09am.
The beginning of a hike is always a bit rough for me. I always think I have more energy than I really do and today it was worse with all of my excitement and seven other women to keep up with. Of course, I knew that I couldn't begin to keep up with them, but the excitement was still overwhelming. I was already out of breath and in need of a break. We spent the first couple of hours in three groups, the first two groups stopping often waiting for us to catch up. I have to admit, even though I knew it would happen, I felt a bit guilty for holding them up. Chrissy's a pleaser, so she was practically twitching. I made one final apology and told them all that they should not feel bad about going on without us. They were thankful that I was done apologizing and I was thankful when they went on ahead.
Chrissy and I made it to the place we had stopped at the last time in under three hours and were very hopeful and proud of ourselves. I'm sure this is too much information; but for those of you who have heard my Royal Gorge story, you'll be very glad to hear that I managed to pee outside without peeing all over myself. That in and of itself made this a successful day - ha...ha! We continued to hike for a while longer when something happened that I hadn't quite anticipated. I was exhausted, my legs felt like sludge and for the first time - the very first time - since this plan was formed - I didn't think I could make it. I fought back the tears as this realization hit me and the argument in my head began.
I tried to think of the person that I know I am. "If I can only push through, I know I can make it!" But my brain was losing the argument. My body was winning. My brain was asking a million questions. "How can I let my friends down?" "How can I make Chrissy finish the hike by herself?" "How am I going to explain to Emily (who had the other walkie-talkie) that I was done?" "How long would the group on the top be waiting to take our 'group photo' before Emily could get to them to tell them I wasn't coming?" "How am I going to tell all of my other friends that I gave up?" "How am I going to face myself in the morning?" My body kept giving the same answer: "I just can't do it. Too exhausted!" My brain knew that wasn't a good answer, but my body was still winning.
When I couldn't stand it anymore I finally spoke (almost whispered) the evil words that bring tears to my eyes even today, "Chris, I don't think I can do this." She gave me the quick, "Yes you can." As I think of it today I feel so blessed to have had her by my side during this particular breakdown. We stopped for a few minutes as I let the tears slip out. The silence grew as we both looked out on the beauty that God laid before us. She finally said, "You are one of the strongest women I know." I know that wasn't a ploy to get me moving. I know that she really believes that of me. It touched on my mantra "I can do anything I put my mind to". The argument in my head began again. She finally turned to look at me and (possibly for the first time in our friendship), I couldn't stand to have her watch me cry. I nodded and quietly said, "yeah, let's go." And with that, my brain won the argument.
We hiked a while longer and enjoyed the different views the higher up we got. We had heard it was about an eight hour hike and it was important to be off of the mountain by noonish - before the afternoon storms hit. We had already pushed our time back by leaving at 5:00, hoping to be off the mountain by 1:00. I had even decided that 2:00 would be ok. However, later than that was worrying me. I figured since we'll go faster down than up, that five hours up and four hours down gets us back by 2:00 (the latest we should be down, in my mind). It was almost 10:00. We'd been hiking for five hours and we weren't close to the top yet - well, not close enough. Chrissy thought we were still an hour away, I thought it was more like two. I asked her what we should do. Again, she gave me a quick answer, "We can make it."
At this point (since I had passed my meltdown), I believed that she was right, we could make it! My question was, should we? Even if she was right and we were only an hour from the top, that would be six hours up, five down - that puts us off the mountain at 4:00! I wasn't afraid of rain ('cause I was prepared), but I had heard too many people caution us against being on an open mountain with a possibility of lightening. I told her to think about it and said a small prayer for God to guide me to make the right decision.
At 10:15, when we paused for a break, I told her that I was going to head back down. I called Emily on the walkie-talkies and she tried to encourage me not to give up, but I explained that it was for the time, not motivation. She had just reached the top and they had planned on heading over to Torreys, but since I was going down they decided to come down too. To be honest, I felt bad that they couldn't do the second peak and that Chrissy couldn't get to the top because of a decision that I was making. I also felt completely confident in that decision and that helped. Chrissy hiked up a little ways more while I rested a bit, then we headed down together.
I spent the first bit down apologizing profusely for her not getting to the top. She told me not to worry about it, but I know she was disappointed. She is better at pushing herself than I am and I'm sure that if she had been hiking with Carole, she probably would have made it. I did (and still do) feel bad that since she stayed behind with me she didn't get to the top, but I also feel confident in my decision for myself - and that helped me get through that. The rest of the hike down was very pleasant and we continued to be in awe of our surroundings. We were also super proud of how far we did get!
Emily passed us on the way down and Carole eventually caught up with us. I went on ahead to let the sisters have some time together and that ended up being a treat for me as well. Normally I don't like to hike alone (so much so that I hardly ever do it). However, it was nice to end the hike alone with my thoughts.
I thought about what a great group of women I was surrounded by. Tina, Stephanie and Chrissy are three of my very best friends. I would do anything for them and they are each a blessing in my life! Carole and I aren't close anymore, but we were great friends once and I treasure that time together. Emily and I have only been friends for a couple of years, but our shared birthday and now our shared love for hiking has brought us closer and I'm thankful for her. Polli and I are just getting to know each other. I wish I had a tape of her laugh, so I could hear it every day. I just met Danette (but I couldn't leave her out). She was very kind and I want to be able to hike as fast as she does someday.
I thought about my friends, Katie and Holly who hiked with me in preparation of today. (Thanks!) I thought of the many other friends who have encouraged me along this journey; their phone calls, emails and Facebook posts wishing me well. I thought about my new found love of hiking. This is probably the best part of the whole experience (physically). Just because Grays Peak was today, it doesn't mean that I'm done. I'll be headed back to Chautauqua later this week and I'm already looking forward to it.
As one thought melded into the next, I felt a peace fall over me. If you had asked me a week ago (or even a day ago) how I would feel if I didn't make it to the top, I would've said, "miserable" or "devastated" or "disappointed" at the very least. As I finished out my hike, I felt none of those - only contentment. No, I didn't make it to the top, but I still did an eight and a half hour hike. I still had a great day with people I love. I still got to experience perhaps one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Yes, I had a melt down, but I overcame it. Yes, I had a difficult decision to make, but I was sure of myself in that decision. No, I didn't reach my goal, but maybe I attained something else. Maybe this is what God needs me to hear.
I've always been a "the journey's the reward" type of girl. But I've always achieved the goal as well. It's easy to say the journey's the reward when you've done both. I think this is the first time I didn't achieve the goal (a blessing within itself). I'm always looking for more in life (as we all are at some point). The perfect partner, better parenting skills, more knowledge, better efficiency to gain more time to do the things I like. I could go on and on. And I'm not saying that I won't still try to attain these things. But sometimes, maybe we need to take a break to realize that what we have - or what we've accomplished - is enough for now. I may not be perfect, or even close to it. I may indeed have a lot to work on to become the person I want to be. But for today, I'm enough.
That's what made it so easy to answer Emily when she asked me, "So, when are we going to do it again?"
"Next year."
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