Ok, ok - get your mind out of the gutter! I'm guessing that's where it is because that's where mine went the first time that was said to me - even in the very serious conversation I was having. I was at an AMAZING two day seminar and in the middle of the discussion about being taken care of vs. taking care of myself. I was working through doing the yucky things that I always pawned off on my ex as well as providing for myself. I was struggling with "I can't take care of myself." Of course I can!!! Then I was struggling with "I can take care of myself." It just wasn't strong enough. (Plus "can" is one of those futuristic words. It sounds really positive because it's the opposite of the negative, but it's still a word that could end up meaning "I can, but I'm not.") In my frustration, I got distracted by another conversation in which my friend was apprehensive of going back to school because "It's too hard." This was the missing key in my dilemma. It's not really that I can't do the yucky things, it's not that I can't provide for myself, it's just that to do those things - especially considering how long I haven't done those things - is really hard!!! So I asked the woman leading the seminar how she would word it and she said, "How about 'I do hard?'"
It was very empowering. Sure! That makes sense. I can do hard. (oops - there's that word "can" again) I was all pumped up and ready to take on the world. And if I may pat myself on the back for a minute, I have accomplished quite a bit since that seminar. However.... you knew that was coming..... it's so easy to get worn down. It's so easy to feel like there's so much on your plate that something's got to give. It's so easy to choose.... easy!
I was at the hospital yesterday with my family while my sister was having a surgery. A few of us were talking about some of the tough things each of us have been going through lately and the talk was dwindling down and the end comment was, "It's just all so hard!" And that's when the question came to me - why is that??? Why is it that it seems like everything is so crazy hard? Excuse me, not everything, all of the bad things are easy. But let's take something vague - like "doing the right thing." How often is that easy? Yes, it may be the easy "choice" because we all know right from wrong. But how often is following through on that choice easy? I don't know about you, but lately for me, it's been really difficult. And if I'm honest, I've taken the "easy" way. Of course, because I am basically a good person, eventually I realize that I can't keep taking the "easy" way and then "hard" is even harder!!!
Unfortunately, I have no good answers as to why the right things are always hard. Or how to make them easier. I'm just throwing it out there. Once, just once, I'd love to be able to say, "This is the right thing to do. And it was so easy!!!" However, until that happens - even when I don't want to - I do hard!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Who Do I Want To Be?
That's my new favorite question! There are a couple of close seconds: How do I want to show up for this situation? and How do I want to react? These questions are new for me. For most of my life, I would just blurt out whatever popped into my pretty little head. It's only in the past few years that I've recognized that I don't have to share everything! (weird, right?) I guess I have my ex to thank for that. It was through therapy because of our split that I had that realization. And for me - it's a really hard thing to do! But I've been slowly plugging along.
It's only recently, though that I've started asking myself these three questions. They came to me because of a conversation - a tiff, if you will - where I completely overreacted. As I was fuming and frustrated, I realized that the issue wasn't really a big deal. It just triggered a jolt back to a situation I didn't want to repeat. I could see that my reaction (my overreaction) was totally out of line. So I asked myself, "Is this really how I want to react?" And the big, fat answer was NO!!!
Ok, so it only took one paragraph to explain that. In my head and the heat of the moment, it took A LOT longer to get there. But I'm so thankful for this exchange because it led me to my questions. I tell my children all the time, "YOU get to decide if you're going to enjoy this experience or not." Why haven't I said that to myself? So now I do. How do I want to show up for this situation? Who do I want to be?
I want to be a woman of my word, honest, sincere. I want to be loving and kind and mindful of others. I want to be selfless, willing to sacrifice myself for those I care about and selfish, taking time to rejuvenate so I can be the best me I can. I want to be a communicator and a listener. I want to accept people for who they are without trying to change them. And just because I've been listening to waaaayyyy too much Katy Perry - I want to love unconditionally!
That's a long list! And deep stuff and I didn't even get everything....
It's not easy to be all of those things. Some of those I am, some are easy changes and some are HUGE transformations! Along the way, I know I will falter. I know there will be times I only think of myself. There will be times I will commit to something with all good intentions and for whatever reason not follow through. As much as I try not to, I will indeed try to change negative people into positive ones. The point is I went through way to much of my life just being who I am without questioning if I even like her. At times I even made changes - cutting out things I did like for someone else. Since being reminded of some of those things, I'm bringing them back!
Of course I believe that to some degree, you are who you are and you should know yourself and accept your limitations. But there are pieces (many, many pieces) that are in our control. Many people go through life not changing ever. If they like who they are and don't want to change, I definitely put them in the "accept them for who they are" pile and that's totally ok. For me - there are a lot of things that I like about myself. (My grandma didn't praise on me all those years for nothin'!) But I'm glad to be "self-aware" enough to realize that there are also things that I don't like about myself. And although it's going to be hard to make those transformations, I want to be someone who doesn't run away just because it's hard.
My happiness is the only happiness I have control over! It's worth any and all the "hard" parts. Sometimes we have to go through some unhappiness to be happy. But isn't that better than not being true to who you are? So now I ask myself on a regular basis - who do I want to be? Is this how I want to show up for this situation? And in the event that I ever blow up at you for something that you think doesn't warrant that kind of blow up - feel free to ask me, "Is that how you wanted to react?"
It's only recently, though that I've started asking myself these three questions. They came to me because of a conversation - a tiff, if you will - where I completely overreacted. As I was fuming and frustrated, I realized that the issue wasn't really a big deal. It just triggered a jolt back to a situation I didn't want to repeat. I could see that my reaction (my overreaction) was totally out of line. So I asked myself, "Is this really how I want to react?" And the big, fat answer was NO!!!
Ok, so it only took one paragraph to explain that. In my head and the heat of the moment, it took A LOT longer to get there. But I'm so thankful for this exchange because it led me to my questions. I tell my children all the time, "YOU get to decide if you're going to enjoy this experience or not." Why haven't I said that to myself? So now I do. How do I want to show up for this situation? Who do I want to be?
I want to be a woman of my word, honest, sincere. I want to be loving and kind and mindful of others. I want to be selfless, willing to sacrifice myself for those I care about and selfish, taking time to rejuvenate so I can be the best me I can. I want to be a communicator and a listener. I want to accept people for who they are without trying to change them. And just because I've been listening to waaaayyyy too much Katy Perry - I want to love unconditionally!
That's a long list! And deep stuff and I didn't even get everything....
It's not easy to be all of those things. Some of those I am, some are easy changes and some are HUGE transformations! Along the way, I know I will falter. I know there will be times I only think of myself. There will be times I will commit to something with all good intentions and for whatever reason not follow through. As much as I try not to, I will indeed try to change negative people into positive ones. The point is I went through way to much of my life just being who I am without questioning if I even like her. At times I even made changes - cutting out things I did like for someone else. Since being reminded of some of those things, I'm bringing them back!
Of course I believe that to some degree, you are who you are and you should know yourself and accept your limitations. But there are pieces (many, many pieces) that are in our control. Many people go through life not changing ever. If they like who they are and don't want to change, I definitely put them in the "accept them for who they are" pile and that's totally ok. For me - there are a lot of things that I like about myself. (My grandma didn't praise on me all those years for nothin'!) But I'm glad to be "self-aware" enough to realize that there are also things that I don't like about myself. And although it's going to be hard to make those transformations, I want to be someone who doesn't run away just because it's hard.
My happiness is the only happiness I have control over! It's worth any and all the "hard" parts. Sometimes we have to go through some unhappiness to be happy. But isn't that better than not being true to who you are? So now I ask myself on a regular basis - who do I want to be? Is this how I want to show up for this situation? And in the event that I ever blow up at you for something that you think doesn't warrant that kind of blow up - feel free to ask me, "Is that how you wanted to react?"
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