So the other night, I'm reading through my journal - from not that long ago - and I had written that I follow my instincts. I got caught on that sentence for a while. It occurred to me that I haven't been. As a matter of fact, I tend to fight against my instincts. Why is that? Well, luckily I managed to distract myself before I had to think too deeply about it. However, these things don't seem to keep their distance for too long.
I was talking to a friend yesterday, trying to build up and reaffirm that the goal is completely attainable. I believe the exact words that were spoken were, "I just want to prove to everyone that this will work." My response was, "Of course it will!" But why didn't my friend know that? It wasn't until later last night when I was replaying the conversation in my head that it hit me. (And unfortunately, I'm not going to tell you anything you don't already know here.) It's because we've been knocked down one too many times. We've heard over and over, "That's not gonna work." "You can't do that." Or worse...we haven't been told...we've been asked, "What about all of these obstacles?" "How are you going to manage...?" And the ever evil...."What if you fail? What if...? What if...? What if...?"
Sometimes those questions are worse than the "you can't" statements. Most of us have an "I'll prove you wrong!" alter ego that pops up whenever we're challenged. It's the questions though, that hit us the hardest - because they're left hanging there. And whether we answer them on the spot or in the quiet darkness as we drift off to sleep at night, the multiple possibilities all manage to rear their ugly heads. I say ugly because hardly ever do we just say, "I won't fail." "I'll overcome the obstacles." "I'll manage just fine." And even if we do, those ugly possibilities still manage to seep in somewhere just present enough to scare us into not trying.
Now maybe all of those what ifs wouldn't make such an impact if we had never been knocked down. But we all, have indeed, been knocked down a time or two. And for some reason, those are the times we tend to focus on. I'm just as guilty as the next guy. However, here's what I've learned - every one of my so called failures have taught me a valuable lesson. I have grown from each and every one. So how can they be failures? All they really do is help us to know better next time.
So I stopped thinking about my friend and started thinking about my own resistance against my instincts. Personally, my demons don't tell me that I'm going to fail. They know that I believe what I just wrote - failures are lessons, therefore they have very little negative power over me. They tell me that my instincts don't make any sense. I'm crazy to think this is going to work.
Ok - so maybe I have some emotional work to do there, but here's what I know...
When I fight my instincts, I'm tense and twitchy, I feel that knot in the pit of my stomach. I'm worried about what other people will think or say, so I try to do "what is right." Do what they would do. When I follow my instincts, my shoulders relax. I don't crave M&Ms and soda. There's a comfort I feel in my skin - like my favorite pair of jeans. And I smile. A lot. I'm excited and I feel it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Not to sound too cheesy, but a quote from the movie Titanic comes to mind: "It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it."
I continually work on "being the person I want to be." And I definitely believe that you have to work at it if you want to make positive changes in your life. But I also believe that there are certain things about me that I should never forget; never let anyone make me doubt or change. One of those things is that I don't always need to make sense. "I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, moment to moment, day to day. That's me." (Pretty Woman - clearly it's a movie quote type of night.) I don't always research, I don't always plan or schedule and for good or for bad - I don't always think. And I have a pretty incredible life. And THE most incredible things in it are because I trusted my instincts. So maybe, just maybe I should trust them now. Maybe it's time for a little experiment.
It's time to stop fighting and start trusting myself. It's time to be willing to risk big for the sake of pure joy. It's time to invite people along on my journey and join them on theirs. It's time to not just work on transforming the things I don't like about myself , but to also embrace the things that I do like about myself. It's time to stop "figuring out" what I'm going to do with my life and start "feeling into" my divine assignment.
And if I get knocked down?
I have faith that someone will help me up.
And then it'll be time to go again.
As my eleven year old would say, "Yay me!"
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