So I'm scrolling through Facebook this morning and one of my favorite pages (In Power Sisterhood) has this posted:
"Good people are not those who lack flaws, the brave are not those who feel no fear, and the generous are not those who never feel selfish. Extraordinary people are not extraordinary because they are invulnerable to unconscious biases. They are extraordinary because they choose to do something about it." --- Shankar Vedantam
Above the quote IPS had this to say:
You are extraordinary and making incredible choices. Share the choices with our sisterhood that help you overcome your flaws and fears!
I comment on this page often, so I started to comment, but quickly realized that my "comment" could possibly be pages long. Aaaand here we are! So where to begin? Hmmm...fears....I've written about fear before and I am determined in my life to not be ruled by it. Recently, I have seen many posts or quotes about the same concept in this quote, "...the brave are not those who feel no fear..." and I love it. For a long time I thought the key to fear was to "not be afraid." That's just not true - and it's impossible! Of course there are things in life that we're going to be afraid of. But this quote nails it. It's not the absence of fear that makes someone brave, it's the willingness to face that fear, to go forward anyway, to overcome it.
Personally, this whole concept has made fear easier for me to deal with. When I thought I "shouldn't be afraid," I felt like a failure the instant I felt fearful. Because with that mentality, I was. I was already afraid - oops - fail! However, feelings are feelings, it's what you do with those feelings that make a difference. Now that I see it differently, when I get fearful I can pause (mentally freak out if necessary) and then decide if I'm going to face it or run from it. I'd be lying if I said I never ran. The important part is that sometimes I don't. And whether it's a big fear or a tiny one, no matter what the outcome is, facing it equals a win. To be honest, even sometimes when I run, it's still a win - or at least a tie! Awareness is half the battle - and if you can recognize that you're running because you're afraid (and if you know why you're afraid - even better) then it's only a matter of time before you're brave enough to not run.
The other two concepts seem new to me. Although they shouldn't. I mean, after reading them I totally agree. Obviously, everyone has flaws. Even good people. And one of those flaws can be selfishness. Even for someone who is generous. It makes sense. I had just never thought about it before. Unless of course, I'm judging them. How many times have you been completely offended by someone's selfishness? I know that for me, it's been countless times. The "good people having flaws" isn't such a tough one for me. We're all sinners and I easily recognize that we all make mistakes. (Like being judgmental - oops) But it's interesting to me that there are certain ones that strike a chord with me. It's even more interesting that only certain ones with certain people strike a chord with me. For example - selfishness in generous people. Selfishness in and of itself doesn't offend me. We've all been selfish at one point or another, and we've all been generous from time to time. It's when someone I know who is consistently generous (it doesn't matter if it's with time or money or their love -whatever) and they slip up. I've always been totally thrown by that because it's so out of character for them. But why is that such a shocker? Everyone does falter from time to time. And if they're so generous that it shocks me when they're selfish, shouldn't that say even more about them? That it's so rare?
It's also interesting to me that this specific example is in this quote - selfishness. Only because it did trigger in me the times when I was judgmental about selfishness. One of the ways I've been overcoming some of my flaws is to be mindful of others and cut them some slack. For the past 2-3 years, I've been working very hard (and trust me, sometimes this is very hard!!!) to accept people for who they are, recognizing where they are in their journey and accepting them even if they choose to stand completely still. I'm proud to say that in many areas and with many people, I have indeed been successful. But selfishness - that's one I still get judgmental about. Hmmm....they say what you don't like about others are the things you don't like about yourself. I guess that means I know what I need to work on next.
Well, those are my thoughts on the things mentioned specifically in that quote. To answer the question - what have I done to overcome my flaws and fears - the biggest thing I've done is being more mindful. Definitely of others and also of myself. I spent years just reacting. If I liked something, you knew. If I didn't like something, you knew that too. To be clear, I don't think sharing your feelings or opinions is a bad thing by a long stretch! What I do think is bad is to react to something or someone without thinking through the consequences. For me personally, although I do care whether or not I hurt someone's feelings with a response, it's more about how I want to show up. Do I want to be a negative or a positive person? If I'm compelled to tell someone I disagree with them, do I have to do it in the nastiest way? So being mindful is a big one for me.
Another big one is the choice to be positive. There are two sides to every story - sometimes even more than two. And a lot of the time, the end result of a situation wasn't the intent. If I've been hurt, I try to ask myself if I think that's what that person meant to do? Someone hurting me on purpose vs someone doing it intentionally are two very different things in my world. Yes, it's difficult to try to see the difference when you're smack dab in the middle of it, but it gets easier with practice.
I've also been doing a lot of introspective work that has helped me immensely!!! (All of those aha moments are way too much information for right now!) I show up differently in my life because of this work. I see things differently. I forgive differently.
So as I read "You are extraordinary and making incredible choices" I had a moment of a shy, "Aww, thanks." Then I had to pause for a moment. Extraordinary? Really? I mean, yeah, it's sometimes hard work, but it's so powerful that it's totally worth it! Why wouldn't I do it? Oh, wait. That's right. Not everyone does. That's sort of the point isn't it? Some people are too scared to look at themselves that closely. Some people are too selfish to let go of their emotional clutter. Some people are flawed. Again - all ok! But that's what makes those who make the effort to do something about it extraordinary!
For those of you who know me, you know I think I'm all that and a bag of chips. However, even I wouldn't - haven't ever used the word extraordinary. It took me a moment as I reread that sentence. Extraordinary? Me? And then I looked back over my journey over the past few years, let the tears spill out and I saw how far I've come. And for the first time in my life, I thought, yeah, I think so!
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