I was talking to a friend the other day about high school cliques and the conversation has stuck with me. Obviously, it made me start thinking back to my own high school days. I wasn't part of the "IN" crowd. Fortunately, I wasn't hated by them either (to my knowledge) so my life wasn't horrible. The truth is that I'm one of those weirdos who actually liked high school. Even more strange, I enjoyed Jr. high as well. I'm pretty sure a portion of my gratitude for that should indeed go to my clique. Again, I wasn't "popular," but I was popular within my clique. There were definitely times I thought of myself as their leader. Of course, as I'm writing this - knowing that some of "my clique" will be reading it - I'm wondering if that was just in my head and I'm offending them. Wouldn't that be awful to get into one of those "who do you think you are?" fights all these years later? I would feel terrible!
Do you see what just happened there? That's the downfall of cliques. You just barely start to reminisce and you're right back in it - wondering what they're going to think, if they'll be mad or hurt, if they'll understand - ugh! No wonder most people hate high school. Once you're out and truly start to live, you realize how silly it is to limit yourself to one group of people. Or at least I did.
I went to beauty school and by the end of that year, I was working in a high end salon in Cherry Creek. I also became more involved with my church. At this point, I was spending my days with highly creative people who had experienced more of the wild side of life than I had ever imagined (the stylists, manicurists and receptionists) as well as highly polished people who had good educations, great jobs, high social status and made more money than I had ever imagined (the clients). I spent some evenings at Bible studies, having craft nights or scrapbooking and some evenings country dancing, dating or hanging out downtown. I saw a ton of movies and didn't have time for TV.
As the first couple of years of my 20s passed, my days and my nights were merging. I was having dinners and scrapbooking with clients and my high school friends were getting their hair and nails done at my salon. The "party crowd" I worked with took me out for my 21st birthday and didn't disappoint. All of these people became my friends and I was aware of how blessed I was to have figured out that I can have more than three or four friends - and they don't all have to be in the same "clique".
In my mind this must happen to everyone. We grow up and merge into many different versions of ourselves. The first time I considered that this might not happen for everyone is also one of the great compliments of my life. It was the end of one of my bridal showers (by this point, I had also thrown my fiance's friends into the mix - adding computer geeks and softball players) when one of my high school friends came up to me and said, "You amaze me." "Why?" I asked. (Ok - if I'm being honest, she's always been one of my biggest fans, so I love having these conversations with her - but I didn't see this one coming.) "You have such a variety of friends." I didn't understand what she meant. I looked around and everyone looked normal to me. She must've noticed the confused expression on my face because she went on to explain, "You have rednecks and jocks and college graduates and dropouts, pretty friends and plain friends, some people are dressed in designer clothes and some shopped at Kmart and you get along with all of them. How do you do it?" It seemed so natural to me, so I just answered, "I don't know. It's just worked out."
I went on with my life like that - with my many groups of friends - treasuring each one. I was thrilled when my oldest daughter started school and I was able to add "school moms" to the list. Just when I think I've been blessed with so many wonderful women already that there just can't be any more out there, I meet someone else who I connect with. Yay! I'm loving this! But wait! My oldest daughter is in the second grade now and I'm noticing it more and more. The cliques are back! Not the kids - the moms! Yikes! How did this happen?
They're different now - not cheerleaders, stoners and geeks - they're more.....well.....I don't even know how to distinguish them. There are minute differences. Some of my friends say the difference is which size house you live in, some say it's how often you work out. Some say it's how involved you are in school or if you work or stay home with your kids. Again, the differences are hard for me to see, but I can feel them. I feel it when I walk up and see two or three little groups formed and I don't feel comfortable joining any of them. I also feel it when I walk up and see "my clique" (or at least someone from one of my cliques). A smile touches my heart when I know I have a place to walk up to confidently and know I'll be included into the conversation.
See? High school all over again. I wonder - are we all just repeating the same cycle? I wonder because once again - I don't think I'm part of the "IN" crowd. I do however love the clique(s) I am in. And I think they love me. So the big question to me is - does it really matter?
For me it doesn't. I don't really care who's in what clique. I know who my friends are and - just as in high school - their opinions are the only ones that matter to me. Here's the problem, though: in high school, if we didn't care about what someone thought of us or if we didn't want to be friends with them, we could just blow them off and forget about them. Sometimes, we could just ignore them and sometimes it would become an out and out feud, but who cared, right? Well now - our children care. These women are our kids' friend's moms. Even if our kids aren't friends today, we still have a decade more to go. That's a decade of being on committees together, of chance friendships or dating, at the minimum - seeing them every day at drop off or pick up. So now what?
Now my answer is three of the commandments I try to live by. 1 - Be polite. I always feel worse when I am rude or mean (even when it seems deserved). I tend to go with the "kill 'em with kindness" angle if someone is being hurtful to me. 2 - Cut them some slack. This one is sooooo hard, but it has changed my life. Once I started doing this, my world became a more peaceful place. If someone is cutting me off in traffic - maybe they're super late to an important meeting. If someone is criticizing me, they probably don't feel worthy of praise. If they're not being a good friend, maybe it's because they need one. 3 - Let it go. The truth is that I am going to have to deal with some of these women for the next decade, so whatever idiotic thing they just said to set my teeth on edge - just let it go. (Ok - maybe vent to a real friend for a bit first - but then let it go) These are the people who aren't worth my time or energy. I know who my friends are and they're the ones who deserve my attention. Any time wasted on negative thoughts would be better spent saying or doing something nice for a true friend.
I went back further into my memories - to try to figure out when I was first aware of "cliques". I'm pretty sure it was when I were still in grade school. So I guess it makes sense that I've come full circle. And now I'm curious at something else. Is this really an immature, childish thing - to have cliques? Or did we learn it from our moms? Maybe it's worse for our kids in middle school because they've had five years of observation to perfect it. Maybe....
Oh goodness.....that's a post for another day.
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