Living in the Moment

I am in the middle of my "crazy, fun" season.  October through February is a crazy busy time for me.  For a good chunk of it, I feel completely overwhelmed.  However - it's all fun stuff, so I never complain about it.  Ok - "never" is strong.  I do most of it to myself, so I don't feel that it's right to complain.  Unfortunately, I've noticed myself complaining a lot these past couple of weeks.  Tonight I figured out why.

I haven't been "living in the moment."  Obviously, with the holidays upon us and all of the festivities and all of the extras that I have to do, there is a fair amount of time that needs to be spent on looking towards the future for planning purposes.  There also needs to be some time looking back (how did we arrange the nutcrackers last year?).  But the most important part of all that planning and all of the traditions is to enjoy them while they're happening.

This year - just in case I'm not usually busy enough - I volunteered in both of my girls' classes for their Halloween parties and I was slotted to help with their girl scouts service project collecting food for needy families for Thanksgiving.  Add to that all of the extras that the schools do to make school fun (never forget to send the stuffed animal on the day they get to bring stuffed animals to school - never!) and I am in complete overwhelm overload!  Now in my defense, I've been complaining nicely.  I haven't used a sour tone or bad words.  It's been "jokingly" complaining.

Well, tonight I decided it had been too long since I blogged, so I was looking through some writing ideas and I came across "My Creaking Body".  This was an idea I had when I hadn't hiked for a month and I noticed my body "creaking" more often than it had been - literally!  My knees cracked, by back strained, I grunted every time I got out of a chair.  I wanted to write about how much I had come to love hiking and how it was benefiting me.  But when I sat down to try to write I realized that I've only hiked once in the past month and today, my body isn't creaking.  Hmmm...I thought - why is that?  What did I do today?

Today was the service project with my daughters' girl scouts troops.  Two things hit me next.  One was that I'm definitely onto something with getting exercise vs. creaking.  We hit the streets today - going door to door asking for donations.  Granted, it wasn't strenuous exercise by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't sitting and I was outside.  The other was something that one of the other moms said towards the end of the event.  She said, "This is so fun."

I'll admit, at the time she said it, I thought, "yeah, whatever - you're a better mom than I am."  But as I was pondering why that particular thought popped into my head is when it hit me that I'm not "living in the moment."  She was right - it was fun.  The kids all had a great time.  They raced house to house to see who got to ring the bell, they got excited when someone gave more than just one can and they even got one of the dads to pull each of them in the wagon.  They got to decorate the bags for delivery, eat cookies and drink hot chocolate.  It was even fun for me - I got to see some of my friends, meet a few new moms and see the joy in my children's faces as they enjoyed a beautiful day outside. 

But I had been too caught up in what I had to do to help the event.  Too caught up in the fact that I had to help at all.  To be honest, I was still reeling from having to help in their classrooms on Halloween.  So here's my "a-ha moment" for the day - or more appropriately, my "a-ha reminder moment" - enjoy it!  Live in the moment.  Treasure these moments that are going to pass all too quickly.  And I'm not just talking about the "they're only small once" moments (although those are certainly important).  I'm talking about all the moments.  If you - ok, if I - have said yes to doing something, enjoy it.  We've all made plans with friends or family out of obligation or even for fun and thought, I could be doing something else that's a better use of my time.  And maybe that's true.  But the point is, you've made the plans - you can grumble through them, or you can enjoy them.  The choice is yours.  No one is going to make you have a bad time and no one is responsible for you having a good time - only you.

What I'm most thankful for today is that this "a-ha reminder" came to me at the beginning of the season.  I'm sure there will still be some amount of stress involved in the planning of events big and small.  The good news is that as the time of the event gets closer, I'm going to remind myself to live in the moment - and be thankful for the busyness that keeps my body from creaking!

Thank you, Pastor

Three weeks ago, the pastor at my church announced that because of medical reasons, he would be stepping down.  As he was making the announcement, the tears started to roll and only stopped periodically for the rest of the day.  I've spent the past few weeks trying not to think about it because every time I do, it makes me so sad.  Well, today is his last day leading us in worship, so I guess it's time to think about it.

I grew up with religion, so this isn't the first time I've had to go through a change in a church.  It is, however, the first time that I've been so sad about it.  I was raised Catholic and was never close to any of the priests.  Two and a half years ago, on a recommendation from a friend, I signed my girls up for vacation bible school at a Lutheran church.  The pastor only spoke to me two times that week - but I could tell you what he said to me in both conversations.  I liked him from the moment I met him.

We went to services that Sunday because the kids from VBS were going to sing the songs they had learned that week.  As we walked out, several people introduced themselves to us.  It felt so warm and welcoming.  I realize that some of my friends would have hated that.  They'd prefer to slide in and slide out unnoticed.  I used to prefer that too - but this was so much better.  The pastor invited me back and the next week, since Mike had the girls, I went by myself.

The pastor's sermon seemed like it was written for me.  Furthermore, he was so engaging!  I've sat through my share of sermons when I had to work hard to concentrate to pay attention.  Not so with him.  The other thing that seemed amazing to me (although this is how it should be) was that he seemed to be passionate about what he was preaching.  It wasn't just something he was reading or had memorized, like he had said it so many times it had become monotone - he truly believed!  And wanted to share his passion with us - with me!

As I walked out to my car, I paused in the courtyard for a moment, took a deep breath and thought, "I'm home!"

I had stopped going to church a few years back and had tried several times to find a new church.  None of them - not even the church I grew up in - had this feeling for me.  It was amazing, like God was just waiting there for me - waiting for me to come home.

Over the next few months I had several conversations with the pastor.  He explained the differences between being Catholic and being Lutheran, he gave me insight on the history of the church and he answered my questions.  I loved those conversations!  First of all, I grew up learning rules and do's and don'ts, but I had never learned about the history.  I heard the readings at church on Sunday, but had never read the Bible myself.  I actually started reading it a couple of years ago, but he really helped me to see the Word.  It's like the light went on when I truly got the concept of grace, when it clicked that we're all sinners and forgiven through Jesus. 

I could go on and on with my many "a-ha moments", but one of the best parts was him - my pastor.  He didn't meet with me because he had to or because it was just part of his job.  He didn't answer my questions with mundane, rehearsed answers.  He talked with me, he was patient when I didn't understand, and he taught me with examples that were relevant to my life.  I commented to him once that he was the draw for me to come to that church and he replied, "You never choose a church for the pastor." 

Now that he is stepping down, I realize that he is right - and sometimes wrong.  He's right in that the pastor is not the reason you should choose a church because he could leave that church on any given day for any given reason.  However, he's also wrong because I know that he's the reason I came back to that church after VBS.  His willingness to explain the differences to me, to answer my questions, to engage my children in services, to invite me to Bible study and my girls to Sunday school, to teach me the meaning of forgiveness and share his love of God with me - he's the reason I went back.

He's not the reason I'll stay.  That church truly is my home!  I felt it.  I know it.  I treasure it.  I love the people there and I will be forever thankful that he was there inviting me to stay.  I might have found it anyway.  But I might have left after VBS Sunday and not come back.  I'm sure he'd say that he's not the reason, that God's the reason I finally found my way home.  And he's right.  God had him in the right place at the right time to help me find my way.

So thank you Pastor!  Thank you for being such an important part of my journey!  I will be praying for your healing and your happiness and thanking God every day for having blessed me with your friendship. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; May the Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you Peace.

High School Cliques - Again?

I was talking to a friend the other day about high school cliques and the conversation has stuck with me.  Obviously, it made me start thinking back to my own high school days.  I wasn't part of the "IN" crowd.  Fortunately, I wasn't hated by them either (to my knowledge) so my life wasn't horrible.  The truth is that I'm one of those weirdos who actually liked high school.  Even more strange, I enjoyed Jr. high as well.  I'm pretty sure a portion of my gratitude for that should indeed go to my clique.  Again, I wasn't "popular," but I was popular within my clique.  There were definitely times I thought of myself as their leader.  Of course, as I'm writing this - knowing that some of "my clique" will be reading it - I'm wondering if that was just in my head and I'm offending them.  Wouldn't that be awful to get into one of those "who do you think you are?" fights all these years later?  I would feel terrible!

Do you see what just happened there?  That's the downfall of cliques.  You just barely start to reminisce and you're right back in it - wondering what they're going to think, if they'll be mad or hurt, if they'll understand - ugh!  No wonder most people hate high school.  Once you're out and truly start to live, you realize how silly it is to limit yourself to one group of people. Or at least I did.

I went to beauty school and by the end of that year, I was working in a high end salon in Cherry Creek.  I also became more involved with my church.  At this point, I was spending my days with highly creative people who had experienced more of the wild side of life than I had ever imagined (the stylists, manicurists and receptionists) as well as highly polished people who had good educations, great jobs, high social status and made more money than I had ever imagined (the clients).  I spent some evenings at Bible studies, having craft nights or scrapbooking and some evenings country dancing, dating or hanging out downtown.  I saw a ton of movies and didn't have time for TV.

As the first couple of years of my 20s passed, my days and my nights were merging.  I was having dinners and scrapbooking with clients and my high school friends were getting their hair and nails done at my salon.  The "party crowd" I worked with took me out for my 21st birthday and didn't disappoint.  All of these people became my friends and I was aware of how blessed I was to have figured out that I can have more than three or four friends - and they don't all have to be in the same "clique".

In my mind this must happen to everyone.  We grow up and merge into many different versions of ourselves.  The first time I considered that this might not happen for everyone is also one of the great compliments of my life.  It was the end of one of my bridal showers (by this point, I had also thrown my fiance's friends into the mix - adding computer geeks and softball players) when one of my high school friends came up to me and said, "You amaze me."  "Why?" I asked.  (Ok - if I'm being honest, she's always been one of my biggest fans, so I love having these conversations with her - but I didn't see this one coming.)  "You have such a variety of friends."  I didn't understand what she meant.  I looked around and everyone looked normal to me.  She must've noticed the confused expression on my face because she went on to explain, "You have rednecks and jocks and college graduates and dropouts, pretty friends and plain friends, some people are dressed in designer clothes and some shopped at Kmart and you get along with all of them.  How do you do it?"  It seemed so natural to me, so I just answered, "I don't know.  It's just worked out."

I went on with my life like that  - with my many groups of friends - treasuring each one.  I was thrilled when my oldest daughter started school and I was able to add "school moms" to the list.  Just when I think I've been blessed with so many wonderful women already that there just can't be any more out there, I meet someone else who I connect with.  Yay!  I'm loving this!  But wait!  My oldest daughter is in the second grade now and I'm noticing it more and more.  The cliques are back!  Not the kids - the moms!  Yikes!  How did this happen?

They're different now - not cheerleaders, stoners and geeks - they're more.....well.....I don't even know how to distinguish them.  There are minute differences.  Some of my friends say the difference is which size house you live in, some say it's how often you work out.  Some say it's how involved you are in school or if you work or stay home with your kids.  Again, the differences are hard for me to see, but I can feel them.  I feel it when I walk up and see two or three little groups formed and I don't feel comfortable joining any of them.  I also feel it when I walk up and see "my clique" (or at least someone from one of my cliques).  A smile touches my heart when I know I have a place to walk up to confidently and know I'll be included into the conversation.

See?  High school all over again.  I wonder - are we all just repeating the same cycle?  I wonder because once again - I don't think I'm part of the "IN" crowd.  I do however love the clique(s) I am in.  And I think they love me.  So the big question to me is - does it really matter?

For me it doesn't.  I don't really care who's in what clique.  I know who my friends are and - just as in high school - their opinions are the only ones that matter to me.  Here's the problem, though: in high school, if we didn't care about what someone thought of us or if we didn't want to be friends with them, we could just blow them off and forget about them.  Sometimes, we could just ignore them and sometimes it would become an out and out feud, but who cared, right?  Well now - our children care.  These women are our kids' friend's moms.  Even if our kids aren't friends today, we still have a decade more to go.  That's a decade of being on committees together, of chance friendships or dating, at the minimum - seeing them every day at drop off or pick up.  So now what?

Now my answer is three of the commandments I try to live by.  1 - Be polite.  I always feel worse when I am rude or mean (even when it seems deserved).  I tend to go with the "kill 'em with kindness" angle if someone is being hurtful to me.  2 - Cut them some slack.  This one is sooooo hard, but it has changed my life.  Once I started doing this, my world became a more peaceful place.  If someone is cutting me off in traffic - maybe they're super late to an important meeting.  If someone is criticizing me, they probably don't feel worthy of praise.  If they're not being a good friend, maybe it's because they need one.  3 - Let it go.  The truth is that I am going to have to deal with some of these women for the next decade, so whatever idiotic thing they just said to set my teeth on edge - just let it go.  (Ok - maybe vent to a real friend for a bit first - but then let it go)  These are the people who aren't worth my time or energy.  I know who my friends are and they're the ones who deserve my attention.  Any time wasted on negative thoughts would be better spent saying or doing something nice for a true friend.

I went back further into my memories - to try to figure out when I was first aware of "cliques".  I'm pretty sure it was when I were still in grade school.  So I guess it makes sense that I've come full circle.  And now I'm curious at something else.  Is this really an immature, childish thing - to have cliques?  Or did we learn it from our moms?  Maybe it's worse for our kids in middle school because they've had five years of observation to perfect it.  Maybe....

Oh goodness.....that's a post for another day.

Renewal in the Fall

I love this time of year!  Jeans, sweatshirts, falling yellow and orange leaves and football!  My absolute favorite things to wear are shorts and a sweatshirt.  It's like two seasons collide - awesome!  It's the time of year when the weather is finally cool enough that you don't need the air conditioning on, but it's not cold enough for the heat either.  Snuggling under the covers with a good book seems like the best idea you've ever had!  It's the time of year I try to find reasons to be outside.  The ucky bugs that I don't like are disappearing and the leaves are crunching under my feet - plus it's like the world around me has been repainted.  The various shades of green start to fade while the yellows, oranges and reds get more and more vibrant every day.  Football starts (which I love) and for the first time in years, I feel like I actually have a bit of time to enjoy watching it. 

Of course, Mother Nature and the NFL aren't the only reasons I love the fall.  It always feels like the perfect time to get a fresh start.  Many people feel that way at the beginning of the year (and I feel it then too), and of course in the springtime, but for me - it's the fall.  Maybe it's because when I was growing up, I loved school so much.  With the "beginning of the year" always being in September, it always felt like the possibilities were endless.  A new teacher, new friends, new things to learn - it was always exciting and fun.  I loved shopping for new school clothes and even new school supplies.  New, new, new!  Everything seemed new - or at least different.  Even the friends that I kept year to year had grown and changed somehow over the summer.  Loving school as I did - I always felt it was my time to thrive.  You know, before the dullness set in.  Before the work got hard, before the cliques were in place, before you were fighting with your boyfriend - when you were just looking for a boyfriend and you still knew it all.  Fun, fun, fun.

I know not everyone felt that way about school, but I did - then.

As a mom of a kindergartener and a second grader, I now feel much more overwhelmed.  There is soooo much paperwork.  And homework.  And activities (ok - I did that one to myself, but still).  I do NOT remember this much homework in the second grade.  I do NOT remember the girls being this catty at this age.  I'm sure I didn't learn to read in kindergarten.  It's week four and I've already lost my daughter's homework twice - you read that right - me!  Obviously, I'm not meant to be a second grader again! 

Having said all that - I still love the fall.  And yes, I still feel like it's a time to get a fresh start.  (I obviously need a new system for homework!)  I'm still - as always - working on making my office more functional.  I'm working on perfecting my scheduling - wanting to get as much done as I can while still managing to be "fun mommy" sometimes, not wanting to completely neglect my family or friends in the process.  I don't have everything in place, but therein lies the beauty of fall.  Where many people may be looking at their lives wondering where the year went and what on Earth they did manage to accomplish - I look at my life and think: I still have more than three months to finish up my goals for the year.  It's time to start fresh, so if there's something I've totally missed, now is the time!!!

I guess I have to add that to the reasons I love fall - hope.  I never look at it like everything's dying.  It always seems like time to start anew.  With my Happiness Project firmly in place, my schedule being a work in progress and a large group of friends to support me along the way - I think I'm doing ok.  Better than ok - I've climbed two mountains this year - what's better than that???  I'll tell you what's better - the fact that there are still even more possibilities!  And since it's the "beginning of the year" - I'm just getting started!

Ok, ok - I got it!

On August 1st, I attempted to climb to the top of Grays Peak - my first 14er.  I didn't make it to the top, but I made it up very high and had an amazing experience.  The coolest part was my satisfaction with what I had accomplished.  I didn't feel disappointed at all - just proud of myself.  I had a little "a-ha" moment with God at the end of the hike.  Reinforcement of my belief that the journey is the reward and even though I didn't achieve my goal, my effort was huge and what I did achieve was good enough. 

I'd been riding that high for about three weeks when I had an off day and on a whim decided that I didn't just want to reach the top of Grays Peak - I needed to reach the top of Grays Peak!  And it was something that I needed to do all on my own!  I love the women who went with me on my first attempt and I wouldn't change it for anything, but this was something different.  This was something I needed to do!

Of course, that didn't last long - I'm a little freaked out about hiking alone, so I quickly started to try to figure out who I could coerce into going with me - again.  Unfortunately, as far as my schedule went, my only two options were Saturday or Monday - Labor Day weekend.  Hmmm...holiday weekend on short notice - maybe I should just attempt it on my own.  Then my friend Ann called.  (We haven't hiked together, but we'd like to.)  We were talking about other things and she mentioned that she needs to make some plans to do things to keep herself busy.  Inspiration hit me.  She didn't have any plans on Monday and when I asked her if she wanted to climb a 14er with me, she practically jumped through the phone!

By the time we reconnected she had checked out the weather and the trip reports on Grays Peak and was making her list of what to bring.  Unfortunately something weird was going on with the road up to Grays and we'd have to hike up the road for an additional mile and a half just to get to the base of the mountain.  We quickly readjusted to climb Mt. Bierstadt.  Originally my heart was set on Grays, but hey - a 14er is a 14er.  Emily and Carole had said that it was easier than Grays, so I got a little more excited.  Mt. Bierstadt summit, here I come!!!

Of course, I hadn't forgotten everything I had learned, so I started prepping Ann, "Even if we don't make it to the top, we'll still have a good hike.  Let's just have fun."  She responded, "We can do this!"  (yay - motivation for me)  I was getting excited to meet my goal and to spend time with Ann, but I also kept warning myself that it would be "enough" to try.  I got everything prepared the night before and got to bed at a reasonable hour.  I woke up at 3:00am, got ready, finished packing my backpack and drove the four minutes to Ann's house. 

(Here's a bit of information for you - I've only been to Ann's house like three times - in the daylight - just so you know.)

So I get to Ann's house and....it's completely dark.  Not one light on in the house.  Hmmm.  So I call Ann's cell (no land line).  No answer.  Hmmm.  I call again.  Still nothing.  Hmmm.  Ok, so I'm guessing that she overslept - I'll just go pound on the door.  This is the right house, right?  Yeah, I'm on the right street.  Right?  All of a sudden, doubt washed over me.  If I'm wrong, and this isn't the right house, I'm pounding on the door of a stranger at 4:00 in the morning.  Yikes!  I called her cell again.  Still no answer.  Hmmm.  I just couldn't do it.  This whole thing took about fifteen minutes and the longer I sat there, the more sure I was that it was her house, but I still couldn't do it.  Just in case I was wrong.

For a nano-second I thought about heading up by myself, but I couldn't do that to Ann.  She had been so excited and she would be so disappointed.  So I called one more time and left a message that I was going back home.  I read a book for a bit - intending to call her every half hour, hoping that eventually it would wake her.  However, sleepiness won out and I climbed back into bed.  As I laid there, I thought about my conversation with God at the end of my last hike and I could almost hear Him chuckle.  "Didn't you hear me?  Didn't you get what I was trying to tell you?"  His voice was light, like I was enjoying a conversation with a friend.  He wasn't mad, it was more like, "Hell-o?"  I smiled at the next thought that came to me.  "You're not going to the top today either."  With that I fell asleep.

I woke up to the phone ringing at 6:30.  Ann did set her alarm clock, she just forgot to turn it on.  She still wanted to go up, so I got up and picked her up just after 7:00.  We got Starbucks and were on our way.  At this point, neither of us had any expectation of making it to the top and the great part is that we were both ok with that.  We laughed about how I probably looked like a stalker sitting outside her house.  She was disappointed that she overslept, but we were both determined to have a great day.  We started out at the base of Mt. Bierstadt at 9:19.

Since neither of us were in a hurry, we hiked at a slowly.  Whenever one of us broke a sweat we slowed down.  It was a leisurely pace and we enjoyed the beauty around us and each others company.  We're both going through some changes right now, so sometimes our conversations got pretty deep.  Sometimes we were silly.  We laughed and we cried.  I was reminded again about how sometimes being on a mountain with someone isn't about hiking.  I took lots of pictures and she spun around singing, "The hills are alive - with the sound of mu-sic..."

As for the beauty of the mountain, I have to say once again that I am ashamed that I live so close and this is the first time I've been here.  The mountains were just stunning.  I could see Grays Peak and Torryes Peak and it was pretty cool to be able to pick them out - to be able to say, "I climbed that!"  It was different because there weren't any of the pretty flowers that were in the meadow at Grays.  Of course, that could just be that we missed them.  It was also so much more open, not nearly as much foliage.  You could see people on the trail almost all the way up the mountain.  The path was much, much easier.  I have complete confidence that I could've made it to the top, if we had left on time.  It wasn't nearly as steep as Grays or as rocky - much less mental stress as to where you were stepping.  The Sawtooth is between Mt. Beirstadt and Mt. Evans.  It was breathtaking.

We stopped at about the half way point, had lunch and headed back down.  An extra fun tidbit for me - as we were coming down a small group of high school kids were behind us and they were singing "Under the Sea" from the Little Mermaid.  My friends and I (dorks that we were) watched that movie over and over in high school and knew all the songs by heart.  I immediately flashed back and those memories put a smile on my face.

The only thing I didn't like about this hike is that to get back to the beginning of the trail you have to climb UP.  Ugh!  When you're on the last leg of a hike and feeling like you're almost there, it's just mean to make you climb again.  I'll be honest, I grumbled more than a bit and Ann was nice enough to not get frustrated with me.  We finally make it back to the car.  The entire hike took about seven hours.

We went to a Christmas store in Georgetown and had dinner at Euro, causing us to miss most of the holiday traffic on the way home.  What a great day!!!

To bring us back full circle, I re-read my Grays blog and again I have to thank God for being so patient with me.  One of the things that I love is that He keeps giving me opportunities to understand what I'm supposed to be learning.  And there's one thing that I mentioned in my Grays blog, but I didn't focus on it: contentment.  Yes, I think I was supposed to get the things that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, but there was something I had missed.  The way I felt at the end of hiking Grays was content.  My life is good!  Sometimes even great.  When I had that weak day, when I decided that I HAD to get to the top - I wasn't content.

I'm in a good place and I need to enjoy where I am - like I enjoyed yesterday.  There was no rush, no goal to attain, no disappointment in myself.  Am I going to stop trying to improve in certain areas of my life?  No.  But I need to be content with the accomplishments I have made.  Ok, ok - I got it!

Papa

Twenty nine years ago today my grandfather passed away.  I was ten.  His was the first funeral I attended.  I don't have very many memories of him - just a few stand out.  I used to spend weekends and summers with my grandparents.  They lived in a two bedroom house in north Denver.  My sisters used to sleep in twin beds in the second bedroom and I used to sleep in between my grandparents.  He always complained that I kicked him all night long.  My grandma would tell him he was crazy - I never kicked her.  Not long after he passed away, I spent the night with my grandma.  Because she was missing him, she slept on his side of the bed.  The next morning she told me that I kicked her all night long.

It's no secret that I was totally spoiled by my grandparents.  Every Sunday after church and breakfast we would go to Target.  Most weekends my sisters and I would get something.  They're older than I am, so they mostly got clothes.  I still played with Barbies.  There was one particular weekend that I was told I could have one thing.  I just couldn't decide.  There was a Barbie with super long hair and if you pushed her back, her arms moved.  There was also an afghan dog (for Barbie) named Beauty.  It seemed like hours that I stood in that isle trying to decide.  I finally chose the Barbie (who ended up being one of my favorites of all time) and I swear on everything good in my life I was trying to be content.  But I have to admit - I wasn't succeeding.  I was so sad that I had to choose.  We were standing in line and pretty soon, my "Pa" took off.  He came back with that dog.  Which I still own - along with the leash, the bowl, the bone and the newspaper it came with.

He used to call me "big girl".

Like I said, my memories aren't many - I was only ten when we lost him.  But every August 26th for the last twenty nine years I've thought of him on this day.  I called my grandma every year to tell her that I was thinking of him and of her and that I loved her.  Since she passed away, I now think of both of my grandparents on this day.  Him because I miss him and her because I miss telling her that I miss him.

In my grandma's last days, I was not only sad to be losing her, but selfishly, I was even more hurt because she wouldn't be at my wedding.  One of my good friends told me that she and my Pa would be dancing at my wedding.  That single thought made it bearable that she wasn't there - she so wanted to be.  That thought is a bit bittersweet these days, but I have to admit - since then, that's always the way I think of them....together....dancing in Heaven.

Ok, ok - sometimes I think of them sitting at their kitchen table talking.  Well, he's listening - she's talking.  I didn't get my "let me tell you exactly what I think attitude" out of thin air, ya' know.  However it's times like these - when I can tell you exactly what I inherited from my grandma that I really wish I had known my grandpa better.  I LOVED being their little girl granddaughter!  I loved being her adult granddaughter even more.  I was friends with her.  I got to know her.  I learned from her.  It's days like today when I wonder what I would've learned from him.

My memories of him are that he was a quiet man.  I wonder what his opinions were, what his true beliefs were.  In any given situation, I can tell you what my grandma would say.  I wish I knew some of those answers of my grandpa.  I do know that he loved her - a ton.  I know that he loved my mom and my aunt and that he loved my sisters and I.  I can only pray that he knew how much we loved him back.

I think he did.

Clarification

I had the opportunity last night to chat with some of my friends who read my blog.  This is for you, ladies.

In my last post I mentioned that I hadn't accomplished much this month.  It was pointed out to me last night that I couldn't be more wrong.  I did climb a mountain after all - and that was huge!!!  So let me clarify.  When I said that, what I meant was.....I had five things I wanted to concentrate on this month within my happiness project - I only truly tackled one.  It was a biggie and I'm proud of the fact that scheduling every minute of my day does seem to be helping me.  However - one out of five isn't something I regularly brag about.  The other four things that I did not accomplish will still be in the back of my mind, but I'm not going to focus on vitality for a third month.

This did make me think of my gratitude book (and how long it's been since I've written in it).  No I haven't checked off everything for this month, but the month's not over!  And....I should be focusing on the positive not the negative!!!  AND.....Grays Peak was only 24 days ago - maybe I shouldn't put it out of my mind just yet.  (Thanks T!)  So, let's change course, shall we?

These are some of the things I've accomplished this month and things that I'm thankful for:

1 - I climbed Grays Peak!  Pushing through my meltdown and knowing that "I got this" was the highlight of my day.
2 - I got some much needed me time - R&R rocks!
3 - I got to see some of the Brecken-yayas (my friends who scrapbook together for a week every year in Breckenridge).
4 - I got to see a friend's gorgeous quilt on display at the capital, along with many other amazing quilts.
5 - I met some new moms that I likes at Isabelle's kindergarten playdates before school started.
6 - I got to spend time with my family.
7 - I got to watch Erica's excitement as she started second grade.
8 - I got to watch Isabelle start kindergarten with a smile on her face (and a tear in my eye).
9 - Both of my girls love school - no tears, only smiles - yay me!
10 - I have a refrigerator that works!
11 - I got to spend a day scrapbooking (ok - mostly just talking) with three of my consultant friends.
12 - I signed both of my girls up for classes starting this fall before the deadline.
13 - I get some cool new decorations and cool new candles.
14 - I have a schedule that is helping me to get more things done in my day!
15 - I found two moms to lead Isabelle's girl scout troop, so I don't have to.
16 - A good friend had a very successful surgery.
17 - Bunco is starting again.
18 - I have a long overdue appointment and a girls night planned for Saturday night!
19 - I only have four days until I get to see my Elated Ladies.
20 - I am blessed with phenomenal friends!!!!

Whew!

I definitely have to do this more often.  Time to dust off the gratitude book - I'm feeling great right now.  I'm feeling so good that I want you to feel this way too.  So here's my challenge to you: if you have a gratitude book, write in it.  If you don't, get one.  If you can't commit to an entire book, get out a piece of paper and write down what you're thankful for.  Whether it's one thing or twenty - hold onto it.  If you can keep that positive energy in focus, more will come your way....I promise!

The Carousel of Happiness

This is the second month of my Happiness Project and the second month of me working on vitality.  When the option of doing the same topic for two months in a row was presented to me, initially I didn't like it.  In general I like to follow the rules.  Gretchen did one topic per month, so of course - that's how it should be done.  However...I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to in the first month.  A few of the other gals in my happiness group were repeating their first month, so I thought it was a good idea.

In general, I'm going back to my original opinion.  I don't feel like I've accomplished that much this month, so I'm not going to repeat months again (until I've gone through them all - maybe some time in between will help).  Having said all of that - one thing did work out in my favor.  I really only worked on one aspect of my vitality this month (vs. the four or five I was going to work on): scheduling!  If you know me, you know that's a big one for me and maybe it deserved it's own month.  The good news is that it paid off.  I have had some successful days and I definitely see the value in it.  This is all the lead in to tell you the story that I want to talk about.

As part of my schedule, I'm trying to fit in fun time with my girls.  Especially during the school year, it's easy for me to get bogged down in the "musts" and forget that they're still kids.  I love spontaneity, so I always think that we'll do something fun on the fly - but that never works out.  So now I've realized that I just have to fit it into my schedule.  Last week was the first week of school and we ended the week with "Field Trip Friday"!  (There will also be "Friday Fun Days" since we won't go somewhere every Friday.)

Our first field trip was to The Carousel of Happiness.  I read about it on a kids site I found on Facebook - Great Ideas for Kids - Colorado.  I didn't tell the girls about our field trip until the night before and I didn't tell them where we were going until we were half way there.  As soon as I picked Erica up from school, we headed up to Nederland.  I had never gone farther than the court house on Canyon, so I was in awe of what a beautiful drive it was.  I saw many hikers and immediately started making mental notes as to where I'll be hiking next.

I'll be honest with you - if you're looking for an all day adventure, this is not the place for you.  It is literally just a carousel.  The cool part for me was seeing the hand carved animals and taking a trip back in time - it was originally built over a hundred years ago!  The cool part for the kids was that it was a carousel.  I have to admit, I was a little nervous that it wouldn't hold their attention for too long, but they were both thrilled.  They rode it twice, then we went upstairs to watch from above and to play in the puppet theater.  We came back down and they rode one more time - loving every minute of it.

We came home after that.  It was a short trip, but it worked out since their dad was taking them golfing after he got off of work.  They want to go back and they want to stop at the waterfalls we saw on the way.  Erica loves school and she told me that since she got to go to school, have a field trip and golf - could this day get any better?  And Isabelle told me this was the best surprise she ever had. 

Now the pressure's on.  I have to find something cool to do this week.  Knowing that our warm days are going to be fading away soon, I want to do something outside.  Maybe just the water fountains on Pearl Street (which they'll love!), but I have to admit, I really enjoyed doing something unique.  Since I'm not a researcher, this will be a bit of a challenge - but I'm up to it.  With smiles like these, how can I not be?

Oprah

I have to start by saying that I love tivo!  I love being able to record the shows I like without needing a tape - whenever I want to.  I love that I can watch those favorite shows over and over again without wearing out a tape and I love that I never have to watch a commercial.  There is a downside.  I'm always days or weeks behind the people who watch TV in real time.  This is definitely one of those times.

I never really watched Oprah.  Yes, I caught part of a show here and there over the last twenty five years.  Of course I heard many stories about her different shows - the things that interested most of my friends.  A friend's sister's "something borrowed" for her wedding was a pair of Oprah's earrings.  I don't think I've ever met the sister, but I loved the story of Oprah's generosity and the fact that she loaned them out.  How cool is that?  I've never really watched, but there was something I've always liked about her.

I have a knack for discovering that I like shows after they've been on for years and are about to be cancelled.  Naturally when I found out that Oprah was going off the air, I considered watching - but I never did.  However, when OWN started, I tuned in - interested in knowing what it would be all about.  The first show I fell in love with was "Ask Oprah's Allstars".  It was only on for a month at the beginning of the year.  It's premise was to help you get off to a great year.  Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and Suze Orman giving advice on everything.  I love Suze Orman!!!  I'd only watched as much Dr. Phil as I had Oprah (but I like him) and I didn't know a thing about Dr. Oz.  I now love them all - but even more, I love them together.  They linked their specialties to each other and the advice they gave was priceless.  I loved it so much that after watching, I didn't delete them.  I saved them so I could take notes later.

The second show I fell in love with was "Oprah's Masters Class".  This show took different celebrities and had them give their story, their take on life.  Oprah's tag line for the show was something like, "They're masters of their lives".  People like Diane Sawyer, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Simon Cowell and Jay-Z.  Such a variety.  Every episode had so much depth.  I have pages of notes from this series as well.  I'm already looking forward to season two.

I stumbled onto a few of the "Behind the Scenes of Season 25" and was very intrigued with the way it all worked, but again, only watched bits here and there.  I did manage to tivo the very last episode of Oprah.  And although it was on who knows how long ago, I just watched it last night.  It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me sad that I missed even one of her shows, let alone twenty five years worth, but mostly it inspired me.  I can't tell you everything that touched me (I just watched it yesterday, I haven't had a chance to re-watch to take notes yet), but I loved the way she challenged her viewers to find themselves.  To follow their passion.  To find their audience - no matter how big or small.  Maybe that's why it touched me so much.  I've been on that mission for a few years now, but it's only been recently that I've been able to articulate it.  It's only been because of the difficulty that I've experienced recently that I've even gone looking for myself - understanding that I was lost in the first place. 

Realizing that I wanted to reach out through my writing just felt like a "want", but it may be that I'm just trying to find my audience.  It gave me chills to think of how many lives Oprah has touched.  And although I have no delusion that I could go that far, I am inspired to touch lives.  I've said it before - if I can help someone - make them feel better, help them to reach an a-ha moment, inspire or encourage them or even just bring a smile to their face, then I'm happy.

I know that those of you who know me think I just like the praise (and I do), but when it comes to my writing, its not the praise that touches my heart.  It's the fact that something I said helped someone else.  And I am so thankful to be able to know the difference.

I don't know that Oprah is ever going to read my blog, but on the off chance that it happens...

I would like to thank you Oprah!  I missed the last twenty five years, but I will have my eyes open for the next twenty five.  I'll be watching OWN, hoping to stumble onto more of that inspiration that you've given me just this year alone.  Thank you for being able to see the talent that can touch people's lives and thank you for your wisdom, encouragement, compassion and inspiration.  You have a new fan - because now, you've touched my life.  Thank you!

 

For Michele....

Friendship is one of my favorite blessings in this life!  Each one is unique.  Each one has a different purpose.  Each one has drawbacks and perks.  I'm sure at this point you've all seen that poem about how some friends are only in your life for a season, a reason or for life.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful friendships I've had throughout my life.  This week I've been thinking about friendships a lot.  Oddly enough, some of the thoughts have been a bit rough.  Friendships going through bumps along the way - or presumed bumps.  But I am thankful that with a good friend, when you hit a bump, you can bounce right back.  My two favorite "friends" moments of the week were these:

I started the week taking a "field trip" to the capital to see a friend's quilt on display.  There were six of us who have been friends for over ten years.  We only manage to get together a couple of times a year, yet I found myself in awe of how close we are.  In the short time we spend together, we share all of our greatest triumphs and all of our most painful moments.  As we sat around our dinner table and shared our latest news, my love for each of them was renewed (once again) and I was overwhelmed with the blessing of them.  How can it be that even though we don't see each other often - don't even talk often, I feel so close to them?  I guess that's what true friends are.  You don't need an explanation of how the friendship works - it just does.

The second moment was at my daughter's school today.  I'm as excited as she is!  Of course, I'm excited because now I can see some of my newer friends more regularly again.  I was in my glory - connecting with other moms when I spotted Michele in the hallway.  I made my way over to her and after a brief chat about which kids are in which class, she chided me about not responding to an email (which I certainly deserved because I'm horrible at it).  Then she praised me about my last blog post (which I loved, because I am - after all - me).  Here's the thing - of course, if you know me at all, you know I love the praise, but that wasn't it.  It was the sincerity with which the praise was given.  She told me how much she enjoys my blog and how much she misses is when I don't post regularly.  I don't think words (not even these words, meant especially for her) can express how much it touches me to know that someone out there truly wants to read what I have to say.  I can only hope that in some way I've done for her what she does for me when she encourages me like that.  Or that I can someday.

I could probably write forever about how important my friends are to me, but why use it all up on one post?  I'm sure there will be more to come - I'll get back to daily posts (with a little help from my friends).  So here you go, Michele.  You didn't just get one paragraph, you got four!  Thank you for encouraging me!  Thank you for touching my heart!  And thanks for making me trash!  (inside joke)

Grays Peak!

WOW!!!

To give my full experience of climbing Grays Peak, I have to start a couple of weeks ago.  Chrissy had the brilliant idea to go up to Grays Peak and do a "practice run" (or practice hike, if you'd like to be more specific).  She picked me up at 7:00 on a Friday morning and we were at the bottom of the mountain by 9:00.  We hiked up for three hours and down for two.  With breaks for eating and catching our breath the whole experience took us five and a half hours.  We spent most of our time trying to figure out which of the amazing mountains surrounding us were Grays and Torreys, how similar - and different - it was from what others had told us about the hike and basking in God's glory.

Living in Colorado, I was expecting the majesty of the mountains.  What I hadn't even thought of were all of the beautiful wildflowers - the meadows within the mountains.  The contrast was breathtaking!

We talked about the different colors, the different shades of purple, the fact that sometimes they seemed to grow straight out of a rock.  We talked of His brilliance and how blessed we are. 

Of course, we also talked about silly and trivial things as well.  And everything in between.  After a long silence, we talked about how nice it was to be able to enjoy each others company without words.

The time between this "trial run" and yesterday was filled with making plans, coordinating with my other friends (there were eight of us all together), getting excited and feeling nervous.  I stayed in Georgetown Sunday night with Stephanie,  Polli and Polli's friend Danette.  Emily, Tina, Chrissy and Carole were meeting us in the morning.  I was asleep by 8:00pm and got a good nights sleep.  We all met up in the parking lot of our hotel at 4:00am.  After the extraordinarily bumpy ride to the base and taking group pictures (none of which I currently have since they were on someone else's camera) we started our hike at 5:09am.

The beginning of a hike is always a bit rough for me.  I always think I have more energy than I really do and today it was worse with all of my excitement and seven other women to keep up with.  Of course, I knew that I couldn't begin to keep up with them, but the excitement was still overwhelming.  I was already out of breath and in need of a break.  We spent the first couple of hours in three groups, the first two groups stopping often waiting for us to catch up.  I have to admit, even though I knew it would happen, I felt a bit guilty for holding them up.  Chrissy's a pleaser, so she was practically twitching.  I made one final apology and told them all that they should not feel bad about going on without us.  They were thankful that I was done apologizing and I was thankful when they went on ahead.

Chrissy and I made it to the place we had stopped at the last time in under three hours and were very hopeful and proud of ourselves.  I'm sure this is too much information; but for those of you who have heard my Royal Gorge story, you'll be very glad to hear that I managed to pee outside without peeing all over myself.  That in and of itself made this a successful day - ha...ha!  We continued to hike for a while longer when something happened that I hadn't quite anticipated.  I was exhausted, my legs felt like sludge and for the first time  - the very first time - since this plan was formed - I didn't think I could make it.  I fought back the tears as this realization hit me and the argument in my head began.

I tried to think of the person that I know I am.  "If I can only push through, I know I can make it!"  But my brain was losing the argument.  My body was winning.  My brain was asking a million questions.  "How can I let my friends down?"  "How can I make Chrissy finish the hike by herself?"  "How am I going to explain to Emily (who had the other walkie-talkie) that I was done?"  "How long would the group on the top be waiting to take our 'group photo' before Emily could get to them to tell them I wasn't coming?"  "How am I going to tell all of my other friends that I gave up?" "How am I going to face myself in the morning?"  My body kept giving the same answer: "I just can't do it. Too exhausted!"  My brain knew that wasn't a good answer, but my body was still winning.

When I couldn't stand it anymore I finally spoke (almost whispered) the evil words that bring tears to my eyes even today, "Chris, I don't think I can do this."  She gave me the quick, "Yes you can."  As I think of it today I feel so blessed to have had her by my side during this particular breakdown.  We stopped for a few minutes as I let the tears slip out.  The silence grew as we both looked out on the beauty that God laid before us.  She finally said, "You are one of the strongest women I know."  I know that wasn't a ploy to get me moving. I know that she really believes that of me.  It touched on my mantra "I can do anything I put my mind to".  The argument in my head began again.  She finally turned to look at me and (possibly for the first time in our friendship), I couldn't stand to have her watch me cry.  I nodded and quietly said, "yeah, let's go."  And with that, my brain won the argument.

We hiked a while longer and enjoyed the different views the higher up we got.  We had heard it was about an eight hour hike and it was important to be off of the mountain by noonish - before the afternoon storms hit.  We had already pushed our time back by leaving at 5:00, hoping to be off the mountain by 1:00.  I had even decided that 2:00 would be ok.  However, later than that was worrying me.  I figured since we'll go faster down than up, that five hours up and four hours down gets us back by 2:00 (the latest we should be down, in my mind).  It was almost 10:00.  We'd been hiking for five hours and we weren't close to the top yet - well, not close enough.  Chrissy thought we were still an hour away, I thought it was more like two.  I asked her what we should do.  Again, she gave me a quick answer, "We can make it."

At this point (since I had passed my meltdown), I believed that she was right, we could make it!  My question was, should we?  Even if she was right and we were only an hour from the top, that would be six hours up, five down - that puts us off the mountain at 4:00!  I wasn't afraid of rain ('cause I was prepared), but I had heard too many people caution us against being on an open mountain with a possibility of lightening.  I told her to think about it and said a small prayer for God to guide me to make the right decision. 

At 10:15, when we paused for a break, I told her that I was going to head back down.  I called Emily on the walkie-talkies and she tried to encourage me not to give up, but I explained that it was for the time, not motivation.  She had just reached the top and they had planned on heading over to Torreys, but since I was going down they decided to come down too.  To be honest, I felt bad that they couldn't do the second peak and that Chrissy couldn't get to the top because of a decision that I was making.  I also felt completely confident in that decision and that helped.  Chrissy hiked up a little ways more while I rested a bit, then we headed down together.

I spent the first bit down apologizing profusely for her not getting to the top.  She told me not to worry about it, but I know she was disappointed.  She is better at pushing herself than I am and I'm sure that if she had been hiking with Carole, she probably would have made it.  I did (and still do) feel bad that since she stayed behind with me she didn't get to the top, but I also feel confident in my decision for myself - and that helped me get through that.  The rest of the hike down was very pleasant and we continued to be in awe of our surroundings.  We were also super proud of how far we did get!

Emily passed us on the way down and Carole eventually caught up with us.  I went on ahead to let the sisters have some time together and that ended up being a treat for me as well.  Normally I don't like to hike alone (so much so that I hardly ever do it).  However, it was nice to end the hike alone with my thoughts.

I thought about what a great group of women I was surrounded by.  Tina, Stephanie and Chrissy are three of my very best friends.  I would do anything for them and they are each a blessing in my life!  Carole and I aren't close anymore, but we were great friends once and I treasure that time together.  Emily and I have only been friends for a couple of years, but our shared birthday and now our shared love for hiking has brought us closer and I'm thankful for her.  Polli and I are just getting to know each other.  I wish I had a tape of her laugh, so I could hear it every day.  I just met Danette (but I couldn't leave her out).  She was very kind and I want to be able to hike as fast as she does someday.

I thought about my friends, Katie and Holly who hiked with me in preparation of today.  (Thanks!)  I thought of the many other friends who have encouraged me along this journey; their phone calls, emails and Facebook posts wishing me well.  I thought about my new found love of hiking.  This is probably the best part of the whole experience (physically).  Just because Grays Peak was today, it doesn't mean that I'm done.  I'll be headed back to Chautauqua later this week and I'm already looking forward to it.

As one thought melded into the next, I felt a peace fall over me.  If you had asked me a week ago (or even a day ago) how I would feel if I didn't make it to the top, I would've said, "miserable" or "devastated" or "disappointed" at the very least.  As I finished out my hike, I felt none of those - only contentment.  No, I didn't make it to the top, but I still did an eight and a half hour hike.  I still had a great day with people I love.  I still got to experience perhaps one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.  Yes, I had a melt down, but I overcame it.  Yes, I had a difficult decision to make, but I was sure of myself in that decision.  No, I didn't reach my goal, but maybe I attained something else.  Maybe this is what God needs me to hear.

I've always been a "the journey's the reward" type of girl.  But I've always achieved the goal as well.  It's easy to say the journey's the reward when you've done both.  I think this is the first time I didn't achieve the goal (a blessing within itself).  I'm always looking for more in life (as we all are at some point).  The perfect partner, better parenting skills, more knowledge, better efficiency to gain more time to do the things I like.  I could go on and on.  And I'm not saying that I won't still try to attain these things.  But sometimes, maybe we need to take a break to realize that what we have - or what we've accomplished - is enough for now.  I may not be perfect, or even close to it.  I may indeed have a lot to work on to become the person I want to be.  But for today, I'm enough.

That's what made it so easy to answer Emily when she asked me, "So, when are we going to do it again?"

"Next year."

And so the next journey begins....

My Week of Excitement

Well hello blog-land!  I haven't posted in so long that it feels foreign to me again.  I got into a bit of an emotional funk, but that isn't the point of this post today.  The point of today is that I'm pulling myself out of it and I've had a GREAT couple of weeks!

To be honest, I would love to give the play by play of the past ten days - just because they were so jam packed and so super fun.  However, I do realize that not everyone wants a detailed account of my every minute (although I can never figure out why not - haha).  What I will do is point out the highlights of my "week of excitement" (as my daughter called it).

First of all, my girls had Vacation Bible School last week.  This is only our second year doing it and I have loved it both years.  It is such a positive message, the kids love learning about Jesus and we got a CD with all of the fun songs that they sang.  Also, some of my friends' kids attend as well, so I get to see some of my buddies. 

On Monday, we went to Chick-Fil-A with one of my friends and we ran into three other friends there.  I know this doesn't sound too terribly exciting, but I'd always wanted to live in a neighborhood where you would just "run into people you know" everywhere.  Well, the only place I "run into people I know" is Chick-Fil-A.  Is it a sign that I eat there too often?  Maybe.  However, it was super fun to see my friends.  It was later that day that I realized that if they made a "Sex and the City" type of show about my life.  I wouldn't always be having lunch in some trendy, high-priced restaurant with my friends all the time - we'd be at Chick-Fil-A!

We got to go swimming twice last week - which isn't unusual for us in the summer.  However, both times this week were a bit of a treat.  On Tuesday we celebrated a friends birthday (again got to see a bunch of friends) and on Wednesday we got to go to a new pool with another friend.  Both of my girls could touch almost anywhere in the pool, so I actually got to sit with my friend and just enjoy her company.

I hiked at Chautauqua and I couldn't believe the size of the poppies as we started our hike.  They were so beautiful.  I was reminded once again of the glory of God and how blessed I am to live in such a beautiful place.  I also couldn't believe how brave I was.  There were bees buzzing, grasshopper wings flapping and crickets chirping - and I just kept hiking.  I only shivered once and I didn't freak out or run from an insect even once.  I hadn't been hiking in a while and I was proud of myself for getting back out there.  I was impressed that even though it had been almost two weeks, I wasn't exhausted (woo-hoo).  Mostly, I was thrilled to be moving and thankful that I could do it surrounded by beauty alongside a friend.

My big accomplishment for the week was that my cousin and I re-did the floor in my kitchen.  Yes, you read that right - I did it myself!  Of course I underestimated the prep work (and the cost of the tools I hadn't realized we would need), but we had fun.  My cousin is such a good guy - and he is super funny!  He's also laid back, so when I had a moment of OCD he just rolled with it.  (Love that!!!)  I knew that I wanted to do this project myself, but I didn't know how much I would enjoy it.  One of my favorite parts was sanding the floor - who knew?  I also enjoyed laying down the tiles and making it all purdy!  But my favorite part was laughing with my cousin.  Sometimes, our conversation just led to laughter, sometimes it was my singing (not that I don't have a lovely singing voice - it was the songs I chose) but my favorite was when we thought we messed something up (or when we really did mess something up).  Instead of freaking out or getting mad, we would both just start to laugh.  Gosh I love that boy!!!

I also managed to get in some scrapbooking with friends, eat at one of my new favorite places, worked a bit, got a new refrigerator, spent time hanging out with two of my fave friends and had an awesome day with my family for Father's Day.  Of course, I still have some of that emotional funk left over, but I have to tell ya' - life just doesn't get any better than this!

I Woke up to the Vastness!

It always amazes me how quickly our lives can change.  Obviously, we think about that when tragedy strikes.  But I'm just talking about the direction our lives take - positively or negatively - and how sometimes we don't even know that they've taken a turn.  I realized it today.

I'm in Evergreen at a fabulous B&B for a scrapbook retreat.  But I can't start there -I have to back up.  From April 21st until this past Tuesday, I've felt like my life was in a downward spiral.  One thing after another knocked me down.  Tuesday I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas in one hour and thirty-five minutes (and I didn't feel like I was going to collapse!).  On Wednesday, I remembered the power of the "poof".  On Thursday, I passed my driving test (whew!)  Thursday afternoon, I was having a conversation with someone (telling her all of the craziness that is currently my life) and she said, "You're doing pretty well.  Considering what you've been through, you're doing much better than I expected."  That stuck with me for the rest of the day.  I hadn't really thought about it, but she was right.  Six months ago, these events would make me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.  But I haven't even thought about doing that.  I've felt beat up and I've wondered where I'm headed, but I didn't want to hide.

Friday I packed my car with what I lovingly call my "heavy hobby".  Normally this task takes my breath away - literally.  It didn't.  I figured that I must have packed the boxes lighter than normal because I didn't even heave when I brought the big bags up the stairs.  I got to Evergreen and started to move and groove.  This is the tiring part of retreat, when I try to get everything into the house and set up as quickly as possible.  Again - no heaving.  Then I had the strangest thought: what if the boxes aren't lighter?  What if I'm just in better condition?  Wouldn't that rock?  The more I thought about it, the more I think I'm right.  This whole hiking thing is really paying off - I'm able to start a retreat without being completely exhausted.  Woo-Hoo!

(But I still hadn't noticed the change of direction.)

Luckily for me, God makes sure I understand one way or another.  This morning I woke up to.....the vastness!  I opened the shades in my room and there it was.  To most people it was nothing - absolutely nothing.  Just white.  To me, it was the "vastness".  I was immediately back at the Grand Canyon, in awe of the beauty before me.  No shades of gray - just white - with no visibility except for the trees immediately in front of me.  Again - to most people, this wouldn't be an overly significant moment, but it was for me.  You see, when I was at the Grand Canyon, I hit a turning point.  I was good and I knew that I was headed in the right direction and everything is going to be ok.  Then April 21st came and spun my life in a different direction.  Of course I noticed it, because it was on the cusp of being a tragedy (at least to me).  However, on Tuesday, when the weather was perfect and Katie was free to hike with me and we had enough time to make it to the top and my legs weren't killing me and I wasn't heaving and...and...and...

I didn't notice that my life had changed direction again.  I didn't notice until today - when I saw the vastness - then I knew.  When I came upstairs, I went out onto the balcony to take some pictures.  And as I stood in the quiet of the beauty surrounding me, I thanked God for helping me through the past few weeks and I thought, "I got this!"

"Poof" Please

Several years ago, I discovered the "power of the poof".  Before the book The Secret came out, my friend had it figured out.  If there was something that she or one of her friends really wanted to happen, she would say, "Let's put it out there."  And - poof - it would happen.  At least that's the way I remember it.  Ok, maybe it didn't happen with everything, but enough for me to notice.  Enough for me to ask, "Hey, when are you going to poof me?"  Then I read The Secret - devoured it, is more like it.  I love this premise.  I love that these philosophies date back to the Bible. 

If you haven't read it, the idea is that whatever you put out into the universe, you will get back.  If you put out positive things, positive things will happen in your life.  If you put out negative things, negative things will happen in your life.  You're supposed to say everything in the present tense.  "I own a house." vs. "I'm going to own a house."  Because "going to" is always in the elusive future and will never come to be.  I also found this very interesting: the universe doesn't hear "not" (cannot, am not or does not).  Therefore, saying "I am not in debt." doesn't really work.  All the universe hears is "I am in debt."  It's much better to say, "I am rich." or "I am financially stable."

I know that to some, this sounds crazy.  Just because you say something to the universe or pray to God doesn't mean you always get what you want.  And that's true - not always.  But I have seen it happen - in my own life - the positive way and the negative way.  For example, once I found out that I had to re-take the driving test, I kept thinking, "Wouldn't that be crazy if I failed?"  The answer to that question is no - it wouldn't be crazy.  It was devastating!!!!  And again, I'm sure naysayers are thinking, "Really?  Just because you had that thought, that's why you think you failed?"  Again, the answer is no.  I'm sure that's not the entire reason.  However, not once did I think, "No problem.  I'm gonna pass with flying colors."

On the positive side, I have noticed a considerable difference in hiking Mt. Sanitas when I start to run out of energy and I say, "I got this!  I'm good.  I'm going to make it to the top." vs. when I say, "I can't.  I'm so tired.  Half way up is good for today."  I even notice a difference when I'm vague.  When I focus on the bad in my life, life seems difficult.  When I focus on the good, I only feel blessed.  When I walk around saying, "I've turned a corner, I'm doing really well!"  I feel better than when I say, "I'm not great.  Life sort of sucks right now."

Now don't get me wrong - I'm certainly guilty of the latter (especially these past few weeks).  That's why this post came to me tonight.  I really have been "just surviving".  The first two weeks, I felt like every time I got up, something else knocked me down.  This last week, I just felt sorry for myself.  Well, tomorrow is my second driving test and I've spent the last few days telling everyone I see, "Pray for me on Thursday morning."  Tonight, I found myself thinking, I need to be poofed!  That's when I realized that I had been "poofed" - negatively - by ME!  Ugh!  I know better than that!  So - whether you call it praying, or the secret, or putting it out in the universe, or poofing - please be doing it in a positive way.  Don't sell yourself short and don't sabotage yourself with negative thoughts.

As for me, I'm off to bed to get a good night's sleep - because as of tomorrow morning, I'm a licensed driver again.  (...and my handy man's fixing the cabinet...and my new fridge is awesome...and Mike has a great job...and my retreat is super fun...)  And just in case you'd like to poof me in the morning - I thank you in advance!

Everything Happens for a Reason (right?)

That's what my grandmother used to say.  I grew up believing that and today is no different.  The only thing different is when you hear that when you're ten or 15, it sounds awesome.  It makes you think that being at that particular mall entrance when the cutest boy in the world walked through the door was "meant to be".  It sounds romantic.  When you're 39 and you feel like the world has chewed you up and spit you out for almost two weeks straight - not so romantic.  I could give you the details of the past two weeks of my life, but that would just send me to bed in tears, so I'll say this instead: read The Happiness Project!!!!

I have been amazed at how much this book has helped me in these past weeks.  One of her things - to sing in the morning - sounded cute to me.  Being a choir girl, you would guess that I would've jumped right on it.  Well, I hadn't.  Until today.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time.  I cried and cried and cried.  And this morning - I wanted to cry some more.  I was short tempered with the girls, but I was following another one of her mantras, "do what ought to be done".  As I was making Erica's lunch I started quietly singing "This little light of mine".  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I know more than the one verse, but I can sing that one verse over and over again and it always gives me a boost.  Today the boost didn't come from the song, though.  It came when Erica said from the other room, "Sing louder, mommy!"  As the tears welled up (again) I pushed through and sang louder.  I had finally sung enough and a few minutes later, I heard a little voice singing, "let it shine, let it shine, let it shine".  The tears subsided, the smile grew bigger.

And since I also love to take inspiration from movies (especially those that make you cry - the ones that Mike always asks, "why would you watch that?") I also want to add that "sometimes something bad has to happen so that something good can happen".  It's from the movie Life as a House with Kevin Kline.  I'm sure this isn't the first place this concept has been explored, but it's the most recent place I've heard it.  It definitely applies today.  Maybe opportunity can only knock if you're home.

For those of you who have been with me at these difficult moments, I want to thank you.  Thank you for being a support to me, for loving me (and for a few of you) for praying over me.  Keep those prayers comin'!  Laugh out loud.  Do what ought to be done.  And definitely - sing in the morning!

I Finally Found the Humor

"The power of laughter is an amazing thing!"  ---  I say this all the time and I truly believe it!  I'm most amazed when people are able to find their laughter in sad or difficult times.  I'm a firm believer that sometimes it's the only thing that gets us through these situations.  As you can guess, being a believer of this, I try to find the humor in most things.  Mostly I'm successful - on occasion, I'm not.  And sometimes, it's just delayed.

I was driving home on Easter Sunday after a long, worrisome, relieving, fun, tiring and happy weekend.  I stopped at a stoplight and instead of waiting for the light to turn green, I looked both ways and then drove through it.  I didn't do it on purpose.  Clearly the weekend had caught up to me and all I could think about was that I would be home in under five minutes.  The nice policeman behind me had a different idea.

I can't mock him - he was one of the nicest guys I've met in a while.  Of course he asked for my license, registration and insurance (I couldn't find my insurance card - great!).  Luckily for me, he was "fresh out of tickets" and was going to let me off with a warning.  He went back to his car and when he came back, he said to me, "I'm afraid we hit a little snag.  Your license has been revoked."  WHAT???  "I don't know why yet, but we're going to be here a while."

After calling in back up (because he now had to give me a ticket for driving with an invalid license), he left and I met nice cop number two.  After another long wait, he tells me that it's because of a ticket that I paid late --- in 2005!!!  Yes, it's true, my license was revoked SIX years ago and I had no idea!  He asked me to pull into the park and ride and call someone to come get me, because I'm not allowed to drive without a valid license.  And if I do, and I get caught, I'll get arrested.  Lovely!  I asked if there was any way he could just follow me home - because, again - I live FIVE minutes away.  He took a look at my girlies in the back seat and agreed - love him!

Monday morning I called the DMV and the good news is that I can go to reinstate my license as soon as I want.  The bad news is that it's not going to be cheap and I have to retake the test.  I'll be honest - this sort of freaked me out.  I mean, I haven't "reviewed" the driver's handbook since I was sixteen!  I found it online and spent the night studying.

Up to this point, I've had friends say, "That's such a great story, I want a great story."  "That's a lot of drama, but it's funny drama." and "Don't you feel good that you didn't have a meltdown?"  No, no and NO!  I kept my composure, but I just wanted to scream!  It's true that I didn't have a meltdown, but I wasn't feeling "good" about any of this.  Like I don't have enough to do - now I have to jump through hoops, pay more money and figure out how to get my kids from point A to point B?  "It's not a great story!  It's not funny!  I want someone else to fix it!!!"  (Have you noticed the lack of laughter?)

On to Tuesday.  My neighbor took me to the DMV this morning.  Time was ticking and I was getting more and more nervous about picking up Isabelle on time.  My number finally gets called.  (whew)  She takes my money and hands me the test.  I only got one wrong - woohoo!  Then she tells me the good news ..... I also have to re-take the driving test.  I have to make an appointment and the wait is 1 1/2 - 2 weeks out.  Here's the deal: if your license is invalid for more than a year, then you have to retake ALL parts of the test.

So I say to her, "So I can't drive until I take the driving test?"  And she says (in her "I've said this a million times" voice), "You do have a permit now, you can drive as long as there is a licensed driver 21 years of age or older in your vehicle.  It's like you're sixteen again."  And there it was - my inability to keep a straight face.  And just like that, I finally found the humor in this story.

I have to say, I'm glad I did.  I spent the rest of the day laughing every time I thought of it.  And today was a much more pleasant day than yesterday was.  So, if I may be preachy - try to find the funny side of your setbacks.  It's much more enjoyable than stewing about them.  And if you see me walking through the neighborhood between now and next Wednesday - it may not be just because I'm training for Grays Peak!

Motivation

I re-read my post from yesterday and couldn't help doing a follow-up.  I have to say more about "the weakest link".  One of the other things I pondered as Chrissy and I talked was why is it that all of the people that I've invited are more fit than I am?  I can't be THE most unfit person of all the people that I know.  And the answer can't just be that non-fit people don't want to climb 14ers.  I think there must be something in my psyche that finds these people motivating. 

I do know from other areas of my life that I am most likely to succeed when someone tells me that I won't.  I don't know if I just soooo like proving people wrong or if there's something awesome about doing "the impossible".  (I'm hoping it's the latter - the former just makes me sound like an awful person.)  I noticed it even in my self-speak on the hike on Wednesday.  There were a particular set of rock stairs that we were about to go up.  There were two or three landings on the way up.  Chrissy was hoping to go all the way up without stopping and I said to her, "Wait for a few, then come up.  I'll get a head start because I know I'm not going to make it all the way up."  To be perfectly honest, my thought was that I would stop at each landing.  Yet, that's not what I did.  I started climbing those steps and when I made it to the first landing, I just kept on climbing - and climbing.  I made it all the way to the third landing - where both of us stopped for a little break.

Ok, so someone telling me that I can't - be it myself or someone else - is a huge motivator for me.  The weird thing is that none of the friends that are going on this journey with me would ever say that to me.  They are all amazingly supportive women, who are not only my friends, but some of my biggest cheerleaders.  They will encourage me, root me on, praise my efforts and accomplishments and if necessary, they will go slow with me.  I am so blessed!!!!

So how does this all tie in together?  I have no idea.  These supportive friends don't exactly fit in with the "you can't do it" group.  Maybe it's just me - saying "I can't keep up with any of them." to myself - so I can prove myself wrong.  Ok.  But I'm still going to try to phrase it better!

Variations and Accomplishments

Ahhh - what a fabulous day!

After I got the girls off to school, Chrissy and I were off to our hike.  Emily couldn't meet us so early, so we were going to meet her up there.  She's so much speedier than we are, we figured she could catch up to us and we could all go back down together.  Today was interesting because we didn't push ourselves as hard.  We were actually able to carry on a conversation and we weren't heaving!  We also didn't stop as often or for as long as we had been.  My goal for today was positive thoughts and words.  I've realized that almost everyone that we've invited on this journey is more fit than I am.  I've been joking that "I'm the weakest link."  Although this is probably a true statement (least in shape, slowest, etc.) I think I should be verbalizing it differently.  Chrissy suggested "I'm NOT the weakest link" or "I WON'T BE the weakest link".  They're both good, but I'm looking for something else - I just can't figure out what.

The second thing I wanted to be more positive about was what I call a "can do" attitude.  I preach it all the time to my daughter, so it was surprising that I don't do it myself.  My problem is that I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.  Therefore when I see what seems to be a huge, steep group of rock stairs, I think, "You've GOT to be kidding me.  I can't do this.  This is crazy!  Who was the idiot that thought up this idea?"  Oh yeah - oops - that was me!  Last Saturday, I had several different times when my legs had had enough and I felt, thought and said out loud, "I don't think I can do this".  Today I was taking a different approach and although I haven't figured out the perfect words for "the weakest link", I did manage to take charge of my legs. 

There were only two times that they felt like I was hiking up quicksand, but this time instead of saying, "Holy Cow!"  I said, "I got this!  I got this!  I got this!"  Yes, I heard a little bit of George Lopez in my head.  Yes, I could hear Erica saying, "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" - like she does when she's trying to be brave.  And yes, maybe it wasn't too bad because we weren't pushing as hard.  But I gotta tell ya - it worked.  Instead of the "trudging" lasting minutes on end, it almost immediately went away.

Now in order to make good time on Grays in July, I am going to have to push myself a bit and improve my time some, but it was really nice today going a bit slower - a bit steadier.  We both enjoyed the view.  We both wondered which takes longer.  Is it true that slow and steady wins the race?  In general, I do believe that the journey is the reward.  But I also don't want to get caught in a rainstorm on Grays if we take to long.  So some days I will push and some I'll take it a bit slower.  Variety really is the spice of life!

By the way - we did meet up with Emily, but she was making such good time that she wanted to keep going and see if she could improve on her time it takes her to get to the top.  She did it!!!  Her record was 55 minutes and she got it down to 49!  Woo-Hoo!!!  You go girl!

As for the rest of my day, I'm certainly making progress.  First of all, I wasn't completely wiped out from the hike.  Yes, I'm sure if I had laid down I would've fallen asleep.  The good news is that I didn't lay down!  I kept moving.  I worked, I got some of the storage room reorganized, some of the basement cleaned up (with help) and some work done in my office.  There are so many days that I feel like I just want (or need) to crawl back in bed because I'm so tired or overwhelmed.  Then again, there are days like today.  Days when you don't lay down, you push through and at the end of the day, you can see your accomplishments and be proud of yourself for what you have done.  I need to hold onto this feeling - and tap into it when the desire to curl up in the cherry chair and do nothing!

And if you're lucky, you get to end your day with a little treat for yourself --- like watching old episodes of Happy Days, the latest Harry Potter flick and a hysterical bit on Who's Line is it Anyway with Richard Simmons.  Life is good, people.  Let's see what I can accomplish tomorrow.....

My Inspiration...

Well, I have stayed up way too late tonight and I'm going hiking in the morning, so I need my beauty sleep.  But I did promise myself that I would blog everyday, so ..... I've decided that on nights when I can barely keep my eyes open I will either post something I've written a while back or post a favorite quote.

Tonight's quote is:

Each of us can be sure that if God sends us on stony paths, He will provide us with strong shoes, and He will not send us out on any journey for which He does not equip us well. 

There's a Party on Grays Peak!

I am so excited about climbing Grays Peak this summer!  I have wanted to climb a 14er for a few years, but hadn't found a climbing partner.  For those of you who don't know me, I have grand plans of doing such things on my own accord, but it never really happens.  I do soooo much better if I have someone to walk along side me on a journey (or in this case, pushing or pulling me).  Well it started out with my friend, Emily.  She made a plan and I show up whenever she tells me to.  We walk or hike - depending on our time restraints, the weather and how many kiddos we have with us.  She said one of her other friends might want to join us - cool.  Then my friend Chrissy came on a hike with us.  Her goal is to walk the Bolder Boulder with one of her friends.  She told me that I should come along.  I told her that I'd walk the Bolder Boulder with her if she climbs a 14er with me.  I think she got the short end of the stick, but she agreed.

Soon, we added her sister, and my friends Stephanie and Polli.  I think today we might have added Kathy and Karen.  There may be some other people that she works with, but right now, I think we're up to nine.  I love a party, so I'm thrilled that so many of my friends want to take this journey with me.  I keep saying we're having a party on Grays Peak.  Of course whenever I say that, someone always asks if we're going to have champagne when we reach the top.  Obviously these people aren't thinking of my current fitness level.  I mean, I'm working really hard so that it's not the worst idea I've ever had, but if I drink at 14,000' I'll have to be carried home.

The most recent milestone is that I climbed to the top of Mt. Sanitas on Saturday!  Can I get a "Woot! Woot!"  Of course, there were times that I didn't think I was going to make it.  There were times that if my legs could talk, they would've said, "Are you crazy???  I'm not going any further.  I don't want to and you can't make me!"  But Chrissy and Stephanie were very patient and very supportive and just about the time I really was ready to give up, we were way too close to the top.  As I looked up at the final incline, Stephanie said, "I'm at the top, you can do it."  All I could think was, "It's Maui all over again!"  (but that's a different post)  And most importantly, it worked.  It was my idea to climb a 14er, it was my idea for Chrissy and I to hike today, I'm the one who invited Stephanie to join us and there's no way that the two of them were going to reach the top while I looked up at them and waited.  So I pushed through.  I reached the top.  (thanks, girls)

The views were stunning!  The other hikers didn't look nearly as tired as I felt, but I didn't care.  I sat on a rock and heaved while I took it all in.  Mt. Sanitas is only a fifth of Grays, so I have my work cut out for me.  But it was still breath taking.  I was still glad to be there with my friends.  I was soooo thankful that they both love me enough to not get mad at me when I said, "I don't like either of you right now." on the way up.  I resolve to try to stop doing that!!!!  I was still proud of myself and my accomplishment.  I took a moment to thank God for good friends and the beauty that surrounded us.  I took a few photos and then we headed back down.

The round trip took us three hours.  Chrissy is determined that we'll get faster and faster and I can't be completely outdone, so I'm sure she's right.  I did feel like an old woman for the rest of the day.  Every time I stood up, it took me so much longer than it normally does.  And I walked hunched over for a few minutes.  And holy cow, my knees hurt.  And I discovered a new fitness goal.  It's not to lose a certain number of pounds, or to get to a certain size - it's to be able to get up from a low couch or to get out of a car without grunting.  I think it's a good goal and I'll be adding it to my happiness project next month.  The good news - Sunday I got out of bed easily (which surprised me) and when I came down the stairs, I didn't wimper even once.  I felt great all day and even completed a huge project Sunday afternoon.  So there's hope for me yet.

I won't be drinking at the top of Grays, but whether I'm heaving or not, I will be sparkling!!!  Let me know if you want to join the party!!!